Hi. This is my first post so I apologise if I ramble!
I was in an extremely abusive relationship with an extremely violent, alcoholic cocaine addict which I finally managed to finish in July. During the 2 years of the relationship, I was systematically broken down and threatened on a daily basis. I spent the last 4 months in a constant state of panic and anxiety and my entire personality changed.
Since ending the relationship, I have really tried to get myself back to a happy, normal state but this last weekend, the ugly side of my trauma took hold and I think I scared off my new friend.
My new mate is 10 years younger than me (I'm 33), but we get on well and have a good laugh together, and for the first time in years I felt happy. On Saturday however, he and I were on a road trip to see the chalk cliffs in a beachy Head. It was a wonderful and spiritual day for us both, but on the 3 hour journey home, I sort of lost the plot.
I've been getting a lot of stick from my other friends about hanging out with someone so much younger than me, and it has been making my anxiety sky rocket. I finally exploded in the car at my mate. It totally put a sour note on an otherwise great day, and I could see he was really uncomfortable but I couldn't stop. It was really ugly and I feel so ashamed for putting him in that position. The rest of the journey back was really awkward and He's not answered my texts or calls since. I know it scared him to see me panic and lose the plot. He's such a genuinely lovely person, and I'm so scared I sabotaged what could have been a great friendship by bombarding him with my old behaviours and deep scars.
I don't know what I should do to repair things. Should I tell him about the abuse I suffered and risk pushing him further away, or should I leave him to get on with things? I really don't want to lose him as my mate, but I don't want to be some broken, shattered nut job that he has to deal with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm going out of my mind.
Thank you.
Tell him what have u got u got to lose,he is not talking to u so u either gain or it stays the the same x
You're probably right. There's nothing worse than someone who won't leave you alone though! I am so anxious at the moment that either way, I'll have a definitive answer rather than second-guessing what's going on. Just worried it'll be too much for him to handle and I don't want to cause him any grief. Thank you for your answer :-)
Hello, I would send him an email saying how sorry you are for the way you behaved, and explain your going through some difficulities at the moment, but don't go into any details. If he asks you about the difficulities then you can explain to him. Keep the email simple and to the point. I think you embarked on a new relationship before you dealt with your previous abusive relationship. You will be dealing with anger and low self esteem. You may benefit from Counselling to talk through your feelings. I know from personal experience that if you don't deal with the abuse you suffered a new relationship will not work, It is not fair on them to transfer your difficulties onto them. Please get help. Hope this helps.
Elizabeth.
I think it is worth a shot. He hates the fact that I over explain things, and he keeps telling me to relax and not justify every action.
Poor thing! I thought I was ready to move on, but I've just been a source of confusion and turmoil for him! I think you're right that an apology is the right way forward though. Then I guess I'll just wait.
Thank you for your insight though. It means a lot.
Hey, why are you going to Beachy head, it's where people commit suicide isn't it??...maybe a subconscious link to your emotional outburst? which is perfectly normal afer everything yo've been through! Have you have any counselling for the abuse? Sorry not sure if you are ale or female but "The Freedom Programme" is good for women who've sufferd abusive relationships...
We'd seen it on a TV programme and thought it looked nice down there! No subconscious undertones in it! I am a man btw. It's a purely platonic thing!! Haha! He's just the first new mate I've made since I got free, and he's genuinely someone I want to stay friends with. We have exactly the same interests and ideas about things and life in general. I'm just highly anxious and aware that I'm still quite "broken" and I don't want to risk damaging him too. Too much craziness will push anyone away. I suppose I just want him to know that in the few weeks I've known him, I've really grown in confidence and have moved on a lot, but there's still a part of me that needs to heal. I think I'm at a crossroads of really letting go of my past and I feel guilty he's having to watch me drive myself mad.
Therapy is a must though. No matter what coz I never want to feel like I do again. It's horrible!
Thanks for your thoughts too 
I know how you feel, I'm going through the same thing. Ive had a string of horrible relationships over the past 11 years & I feel like being single for the next 5 years to get over it all. I was recently dating someone 8 years younger than me (Im 35 & in denial about my age ha ha) it did help ward off the suicidal feelings for a while but we fell out & I'm back to square one again. I feel compleely riddled with issues because of how people have treated me. I'm responsible for my own actions too & can see both sides so I'm not playing the victim. These sharks do leave their scars & I wonder if i'm ever going to be happy again in a relationship. I'd settle for "friends with benefits" but this affects my self esteem. I find myself analysing everything I say with dates so I don't overshare or show vulnerability. They say it's good to talk but it's hard to express yourself when you've been through trauma..
Good for you for finding someone who makes you happy. They say guilt is a pointless emotion so don't beat yourself up about that. If he's a good friend then he'll stick by you.
If I'm honest, I've felt anxious a few times since I started talking to him. To him I must look clingy and desperate! He asked me outright the other day if I was lonely, and I instantly replied "yes". I think he's scared of what he's let himself in for, but he saw the worst of my anxiety and it was nowhere near as bad as I've been before. Not much consolation, I know!
Only knowing him for a few weeks does make it worse for him though. He's quite a sensitive person, and has had anxiety issues himself - and I became a source of anxiety for him. I am very ashamed of that.
I understand what you're saying about issues with people. I am naturally quite confident and laid back, which is part of the reason I struggle to recognise myself sometimes. That's the horrible thing about anxiety. It only mirrors the worst of a person and not the calm and "normal" person struggling away underneath!
I am positive that I will get better, and I hope that not being ready soon enough might have ruined what could have been a great friendship.
So your freind has anxiety, that's good that someone understands too.
I don't have many people who understand what it's all about. "freinds" have accused me of being a drama queen & crazy. Not nice! My ex used to have it & he was a valuable shoulder to cry on in tough times but I've had to cut him out completely - nefarious, manipulative swine, that one was. It's disheartening isn't it. I feel like the anxiety is wreaking my life but I hold ontot the fact that people tell me I'm caring & a good laugh. I try & mask things with humour in the hope that I can trick my self-destructive mind into submission.
His anxiety is what I'm trying to negotiate. He will really struggle to get his head round what I'd have to say. It'd upset him and I don't want to transfer my bad experiences onto him. He deserves much better than that!
I'll have to give him time to digest what he heard and saw and if he wants to take the risk with me and carry on our friendship, then I cannot pressure him. I'm going to back right off from him - not run away but let him get what he wants clear in his own mind.
All i can do is try forgive myself for what happened and work on myself to make sure it doesn't happen again. Why oh why do we let toxic people control us even when they're not there!!
I have just sent him a text apologising for my behaviour, and I'm sorry if I upset him. Ball's in his court now, so all I can do is hope I didn't damage things beyond all repair. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
You have done the right thing, fingers crossed he will accept your apology and give you a second chance. Good luck.
Elizabeth.
He's just responded and outwardly, things seem fine. He just sounds confused and said to stop beating myself up about trivial matters! He's not understood that him not responding sooner isn't the issue, the issue is the change of saw in myself. I'm going to have to decide whether to tell him enough to understand what happened, or get over all this craziness and dare to trust him to like me as I am now, not as I was before.
This episode has at least shown me that I'm not a loss as a friend. I've just got to allow myself to enjoy the friendship. We both deserve that!
Thank you all for your time in stemming the anxiety. Another lesson about myself learnt!
Friends share things with one another and that means the good and the bad bits of ourselves. I think you should confide in him - when the time is right. He'll probably be very accepting and understanding. I hope it works out. I'm sure it will. These things always have a way of sorting themselves out, don't they?
You're totally right about that. I've done a lot of thinking - in fact all I've done is think and I know the right answer now.
I've been going out of my way to avoid what's happened to me in my past, to such an extent I've been behaving really oddly! Telling him the truth will take the power out of the abuse. I trust him enough to put myself in such a vulnerable position, because without telling him what has happened to me, he will never really know me because I'll be hiding massive parts of my life from him.
I feel a bit strange talking about a male friend in such a way, but he's just the sort of person you'd want as your friend. He's told me outright that he thinks we'll be lifelong friends! Just hope I'm not too late in finally being honest, coz he's already totally confused about why I've been acting how I have! So long as I get the chance to talk to him, I have zero doubt we can have a great friendship.
So much good advice on here (and a good deal of soul searching) has helped me turn my almost crippling, breathless anxiety into a chance to get my life back on track.
Thank you all.
Really glad to hear that! Let us know how you get on xxx
So I spoke to him last night on the phone (not ideal I know) and filled him in a little bit more about the past and the triggers for my anxiety. The anxiety part he understood, but the situation was beyond his experience so he couldn't really understand it.
It's definitely put a wedge in things, but that'll erode quickly enough so long as I don't lose control to my anxiety again and start projecting it all onto him. It quickly turns into a toxic relationship if it's left unchecked!!
I'm still trying to decide how deep into what I went through to go because some of the things are horrific, and I don't want to keep reliving things from the past. I am also keenly aware that I don't want to turn him into a therapist. I just want him to know the facts so that some of my actions don't seem quite so odd. For example, he went to give me a friendly hug, and I flinched, recoiled and ran off - which confused the hell out of him! Or he's made a couple of jokey comments and I didn't know how to act or respond. He's been questioning his behaviour due to my reactions which would never make sense to him without knowing the causes.
It's a delicate balance between just enough information to put him back at ease and rebalance things, and too much information and burdening him with things he can't understand or change! As long as I keep my anxiety down and a clear head, I'm sure I'll get it right eventually!
Tell him you have nothing to lose. If he knows he can make the decision and you will be more accepting to yourself you tried to fix it.
Darl, I feel your pain. I was in the same relationship but without the cocaine and I know exactly how you feel. I would recommend posting on Womens Aid forum if you havent already done so, there are so many women with the same story who can no doubt help you, including me!
Whetheryou tell him or not is your personal decision. I told my new partner from day one because it is nothing to be ashamed of. Although you are not your past, the past will still effect you for a short or long time and to love you, he should accept that and, if he is a nice guy, will support you through this. This could turn into something really positive!
He may be distant because he doesnt know all the facts, so this is where it may come in handy to tell him.
You are not a broken shattered nut job. You have come through something truly awful and survived. That makes you strong, and to attract someone's attention who is ten years younger and kind, you are obviously beautiful, lovely and a wonderful person. Give yourself some credit and have a post on Womens Aid! xxx