Hi everyone
Just a bit of background...I have had OCD for as long as I can remember, beginning with hand washing as a child. I have two main OCD issues- one is regarding sleep- I stress that it is not insomnia, but the obsession of sleeping well, NOT sleeping well and the fear of not sleeping well.
The other one is more curious \ unusual..it's called scrupilosity, which is a fear of religion. Where does it come from? Well, I have no idea (in keeping with how irrational OCD is). My family aren't overly religious and I haven't been exposed to any extremism of any type of religion. I just wondered if anyone has any experience of such a thing?
Mine boils down to a few sub-categories: the fear of disrespecting God; the fear of going to hell; the fear of thinking I like the devil. I've tried to explain it to people that with some (not all OCDs) you can essentially 'prove' there's nothing to be fearful of by riding it out, exposure therapy, etc. With this...well, I'm convinced that I'm right to be fearful, and the only time I will know for sure will be...well, in the afterlife, when it is too late.
More recently, my OCD has almost kind of 'mutated'- I have tried to test myself, challenge myself and stand up to it but this has lead to the train of thought that if I am successful in beating my scrupilosity, it is a sin in itself and i'm destined to go to hell. If that sounds confusing, here's an example:
I go for a run on the treadmill at the gym and push myself very hard. I feel like quitting when it gets difficult, and then the thoughts come: 'would you accept the devil's help if it means completing this run successfully?' Normally, my OCD kicks in, I spend a lot of mental time saying 'no' and stating the reasons why. Recently, I've tried to go with 'lets not justify it, let it slide and see what happens'. Sure enough, I have completed the run successfully, and without the ritualistic messages to ease the devil thought. However...this now means in my mind that I had 'help' from the devil, I'm wrong not to have dealt with it and I will go to hell.
It's very convoluted, and seeps into most things that I do. Has anyone had similar thoughts? (I am aware it is a very niche type of OCD and it reads ridiculous, even as I'm typing it it sounds daft) but it would be good to read if anyone has any help in tackling it and beating it (I've had CBT for it which has worked, but only temporarily).
Many thanks for reading.