Secret Drinker

General health and lifestyle
1

Some members of the forum know that my daughter in laws mother has been in hospital for a month with untreated pneumonia. The lack of communication regarding her illness has been appalling and a formal complaint lodged via PALS.

She was a very heavy drinker for years and my DIL was bought up by her grandparents. When DIL had her first child 8 years ago, she gave her mum an ultimatum, stop drinking and be involved with your grandson. Continue drinking and not be involved.

She chose to give up alcohol and has been an excellent grandma with total involvement. She also looked after my now 15 month old grandson. Due to the problems I'd had with alcohol, I wasn't allowed to have him on my own, until fairly recently.

The only tests she has had in hospital are blood tests and a chest X-ray. Her LFT result highlighted possible cirrhosis, due to heavy drinking in the past. The type of pneumonia she had was aspiration pneumonia which has lead to severe lung infection, kidney failure, weak heart and liver damage. Apparently this type of pneumonia can be due to heavy drinking.

RHGB has been excellent in suggesting what tests the hospital should have done and like Joanne's husband Joe she needed an abdominal scan. She eventually had one late yesterday, the results of which have absolutely shattered my DIL She's been secretly drinking for the past 8 years, she didn't stop and in short has looked after her eldest grandson for 8 years and my 15 month grandson whilst drinking. DIL walked out of the hospital and says she can't forgive her. My son is fuming as I wasn't allowed to look after either of them on my own. Both son and DIL are mortified by the unfairness, saying I've lost precious time with the youngest and its their fault.

Shes due more tests today, has now developed jaundice and from what I can gather, has basically given up and wants to die.

Yet another example where bloods didn't seem too bad, but the scan shows an almost dead liver. Another person with near end stage liver disease, no symptoms, no pain, no jaundice until now. She's being tube fed, on permanent oxygen and too late for any treatment. Apparently she was getting through the best part of two litres of vodka a day. I would not have known she was Ill when I saw her just before Christmas, very thin but not ill.

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totally shocking story and shows the dangers of drinking!! No, I am NOT defending he but do feel sorry for you! Tough but you can stand proud to say that you beat it!! You enjoy your grandchildren fully...Robin

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Hi robin

with age comes wisdom! No point getting upset, you can't change the past. They genuinely thought they were safeguarding their kids and I would have done the same with mine.

ive got the youngest one 3 days a week now, pick t'other up from school twice a week and I'm loving every minute of it.

Goes to show as you say the dangers of heavy drinking. RHGB is so right in saying bloods can be ok, but an abdominal scan shows exactly what's going on.

Frightening that often there's no warning signs, no pain, by then the damage is done and it's too late

 

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Hi VickyLou,

This story really shocked me. It shows the power of drinking & how deceitful a road it can lead you down. I read your post on my discussion which you have unfollowed. I am not offended by it & this post gave me another kick up the bum. 

I'm not planning anything secretive on Saturday it is a step a backwards. This ia a day at a time my anxiety makes me always look ahead & I'm just looking for a way to self medicate. No more secrets as this could be the end result. 

I wish you & your family all the best xxx

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I don't know why this happens to some and not to others. Some people alcohol ravages their bodies and renders them in this kind of condition and others drink until they are in their 80's..I watched a man who was approximately 70 something sitting alone at a bar...in a resturaunt the other day...obviously toasted...I don't know his health problems..but he is not laying in the ICU.

For sure I should be dead and/or have cirrohsis and I don't...I have had the scans...there was something abnormal on my liver but they were hardened things (can't remember medical term) but nothing to do with drinking.

The saddest thing here is the kids are about to lose a grandmother due to alcoholism.  And for both of you grandmothers...even while not living in the hospital the connection with the grandchildren was lost sad.

It sickens me that these children now adays...including my son use their children as a tool to try to get family members to do what they want (stop drinking).

I understand if a grandmother is drinking whilst watching the children...or driving with the children..but when you are a grandmother such as I that has said many times the drinking would not occur with the children around...and they still use the kids as a porn...its just sad that thier control issues take over. 

 

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Well Vicks, I'm not really sure what to say, except I'm sorry that it has turned out like this. Not really a time to comment on her symptoms or advise at the moment. I'll cover that later.

What I would say, from personal experience, is that it is very lonely in hospital and she will be stuck in bed 24/7. You can do nothing but think and with very little mental stimulation. The will to give up living becomes very strong. Your mental health can suffer greatly and there is this impulse to seek the only way out - give up and shut down.

Your DiL will be suffering mixed emotions and probably is all over the place internally at the moment. She will have both grief and anger, at the moment, anger at her mother and anger at the doctors. What I will say, is for her to put aside her anger with her mother. If her mother is not expected to make it, she has limited time to spend with her. If she shuts her out, through anger, she will have a very long time regretting that she never made peace.

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I'm trying to get through to her to her that what's gone on is irrelevant, She needs to forget her anger and remember what a great grandma she was to the boys, particularly when she was a single mum. Her grandsons need to see her, not so much the younger one, but her mum needs to see them too.

DIL needs to see her mum too. She will regret it once her anger has gone and then it's too late and she'll be full of guilt

She wont take the boys as she will have to see her mum. I've said I will take them as my sons working away. Said no at first, but my sons told her to go and stop thinking about herself and do what's best for the boys.

She can't understand why I'm not angry with her. Ok I was upset, but she thought she was safeguarding her kids and I'd have been the same when my kids were younger. Am seeing her tonight and hope she changes her mind

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I wish you the best of luck. Yes, anger dissipates quickly, sorrow  and then guilt lasts a long time. If her mum were to die overnight, she would find it difficult to forgive herself.

With you having children, I am probably teaching granny to suck eggs, but the sons need to be told what to expect when they get to hospital, because their current image of grandma and what they will see, will be very different.

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I fully agree with you that the oldest is prepared. He keeps asking me when grandma is coming back. She's only gone and told him grandmas on holiday ffs what planet do some people live on?

Will let you know what she's decided to do. As grandma is now only 4st 8lbs it would be very upsetting and frightening for them

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Okay, I don't like to be morbid, but at that weight, it does not sound good.

You could try the shock tactic. I think I have an idea which hospital it would be, if she is local to you. Every hospital has a mortuary and all you have to do is put the hospital name plus mortuary into Google and you will probably get this page.

"What is the location of the Mortuary?

The Mortuary is not signposted but can be located on level 0 opposite Radiotherapy at the 'Relatives Entrance'."

And then if you Google 'dying in hospital what happens' click on the first link.

"When a person dies in hospital

The hospital staff will contact the next of kin to formally identify the person. The next of kin may also need to give permission for a hospital post-mortem examination if the cause of the death has to be confirmed; however, a coroner's post-mortem examination may be carried out without consent."

You could print them out and say to her, well at some stage you will have to go and see her, as you are NOK.

I don't mean to be offensive by the above, but it is about the last angle that I would try. You yourself know the reality of what happens in this sort of situation. Only you would know how that would go down.

Best of luck this evening.

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great post and HONEST..yes indeed...no more secreets...simply too easy to close your mind and drink again because we have an excuse...you are right in not drinking Saturday and well do to you. Robin

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good and honest post RHGB

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Thanks Robin! I am going to take it one day at a time instead of thinking ahead- I will deal with Saturday when it comes & I'm hoping I have the willpower this was a bad week compared to last. Excuses yes - its the alcohol monster talking. This week especially is showing me I will look for excuses to drink which shows me I really have a problem.

 

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Oh Vicks, what can I say?! Just read thru all the brilliant posts from RHGB. and Robin. As you say, your DIL was only trying to protect her children. I am sure you will do all you can for your family. What a dreadful thing this AUD is. Thinking of you xx

By the way, I have shown your post to hubby, and he was not very receptive in fact he told me to leave him alone. Campral still working, so I am grateful for that.

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Sadie

i am glad I didn't offend you, that was never my intention. I have been where you are, and believe you me, far better to deal with the problem now, rather than carry on drinking in secret and risk becoming physically 

dependant on alcohol

Your husband sounds very supportive and you have a son too. As I said before, alcohol and the need/desire for it shows no bounds. It will suck you in and you'll soon find yourself living a lie. 

I honestly believe you you can beat this Sadie and am sure you'll find that your anxiety improves. I wouldn't have bothered replying and risk offending you and other forum members if I thought you couldn't do it.

Enjoy St Patrick's Day with your family, without secrets and your anxiety will improve.

Good luck in getting your prescription on Monday 

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I don't know where you get your inspiration from. No surprise you got the hospital right!

Thank you so much yet again RHGB, you're becoming my knight in shinning armour, or the Midas Man!

DIL called round earlier with the boys, and grandad found himself going to the swings instead of the pub. She was very vocal about not seeing her mum again and was starting to really annoy me. I pointed out who looked after the eldest one when she was a single mum. Who bailed her out when she got involved with pay day loan sharks.

She did admit that she couldn't have finished her degree without her mums help and would not see her ever again. This was a golden opportunity to put your plan into action, by me saying well you'll have to at some point, seeing you're down as NOK, look read this because you'll have to see her.

Miracles! She's agreed to pick me up tomorrow with the boys to go and see her mum and the boys grandma. She admitted being scared about telling the eldest that grandma is very poorly. We both told him that she was ill and had become very thin and would look different. Children can be so direct and astute because he just came out and said "I want to see her before she's dead and I won't be frightened if she looks like those people who live in tents and have no food and water" hanky time for this grandma. The little one was obviously unaware and was far more interested in opening my kitchen cupboards!

I know I won't sleep tonight, my mind is too active. The hospital said we can go any time, we don't have to wait till visiting time, which speaks volumes.

Thank you for all your help and advice, and you can have a gold star superman!

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I know I should be so grateful for my husband & son. The fight is in me to beat this. I believe this is the hard part. 

Thank you I appreciate your honesty & for believing I can do it. Alcohol free Paddy's day there still isn't a drop of alcohol in the house.

Just read your post below & I'm glad your DIL is going to see her Mum tomorrow. You all got to be there for each other.

Thank you ! I'm already prepped with what I'm gonna say to the doc- so determined. 

hugs xx

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JulieAnne 

Years ago, I would have been exactly like your husband. I hated seeing or reading about anything to do with alcohol. Fear and guilt being the main reason. I would use anything I could, diversion tactics to avoid talking about my drinking with my husband, who like you, was clutching at straws for anything to help.

im pleased the campral is working for him. It's obviously not a miracle cure, but it gave me more or less a year without alcohol to get my head sorted

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I am happy that it worked out okay. It was a bit of a gamble strategy, not knowing the people involved personally.

Hopefully tomorrow, although probably a bit tearful, will bring some joy and relief and reconciliation.

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This is really a story of betrayal and hate. This is her payback unfortunately now dying, Very sad to hear of all the years you lost due to her judgmental and lack of true character. You have more character and values in your little pinky than this wemon ever had. 

 It's so devastating one can hardly imagine how incredibably dishonest this women was to keep the addiction going for so long unnoticed.  It makes me wonder what else has she done that no one knows about. The alcoholic brain is so dysfunctional the mind of an alcoholic will,do whatever it takes to continue with the addiction. No matter how extreme. That's no excuse. Everyone trusted her for years and the damage is done. How does one recover from such deceit?

The is as as ugly as it gets . I know your struggles all to well Vickylou and of all people you never deserved to be treated so disrespectfully. 

How are you coping with all the news about this family member that robbed so many of life and family interactions while hiding her own addiction? 

Unbelievable this was so heartbreaking to read this story. I am so angry can't imagine how you must feel. Plz get a counselor to help you put this behind you so you can let go of the heartbreaK. That doesn't mean you will ever forget but I truely believe holding onto negative feelings can eat us from the inside out, it's a grieving process and it takes a long time to heal thru all the different stages. With professional help I to found it helpful to grieve in a positive way and learn to work thru the pain and let it go. Otherwise, it takes on a life of its own and a toll on our lives. 

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send blessings and peace your way!

Gentle Hugs

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