Self destructive behaviour

Mental health
1

Does anybody get a bit self destructive to deal with depression? I think I do. When i'm expected to do things that I can't possibly do by those closest to me I start obsessing about self destruction. That I can't be worth anything so at least getting self destructive alows me to fix the problem of not doing anything. When the people who are closest to you just get fed up with you and you can't do anything, because there your closest connection to te world you want to be on their side. Even if that means turning on yourself.

Last year I got very self destructive and had a psychotic episode where a really but myself through a ringer. I'm trying to sought out my depression before I do it again. Theres no sense of martydom in it I just feel that beating the poop out of myself metaphoricly, less so literlly now a days. Meaning doing things that I know won't be good for me mentally. It would be fine if I could turn the self destructivness into somthing positive, what ever that may be. However because i'm also dealing with depression trying to do anything positive is like trying to walk up a stair case made of quicksand.

2

Hello Ben,

To answer your question - yes.

To elaborate, I think that there are a couple of things going on here. Firstly, men tend to experience much anger when depressed, more so than women. As you dont have a satisfactory or healthy outlet for your anger, (as you've rightly said) the anger is turning inwards and is working against you. When you are asked to do something, which you feel you cannnot (this is because when we're depressed, doing any more than getting out of bed, is like trying to force 100 watts through a 40 watt bulb)  you become anxious and highly aroused, which leads to the anger and frustration. At the moment accept that you cannot do much. There's no point in fighting that fact - at the present time you're not well enough. However, try to do something positive every day. This may be, going to the shop for a paper. Doing a word search. Running up your street and back. It doesn't matter what it is, just something that you can complete. Baby steps. All the best x    

3

Yeah I do self destruction two ways.

1. dog yap /bite. With those I love.. buid up the frustration, have a yap or bite them at them, maybe for something small like walking in front of me, or blocking the doorway while letting me in (dad opens the door then stands in the way, holding the door open). After the yap, I mentally 'go to my basket' and disconnect .. not talking to them for days. Eventually the links reassert and I can talk to them again, but my ex-fiencee couldn't handle these - not her fault

2. Try to put a hole in the wall / floor with my mobile, or destroy something else portable, like a laptop screen. Its sort of punishment for the laptop - and also me who has to repair it.

I guess talking down.. "what the hell do you think you are doing letting XYZ happen" etc also happens..

At least I'm not punching / abusing people - I'd never do that, but theres always the pressure of 'well maybe one day you will..'

I've recently had a lot of frustration at work, and I've let some things fall by the roadside, ie not getting Tax sorted out etc.

This does not help as I get tired of all the crap and then look for something more positive. Unfortunatly its something like T.V. so it doesn't fix the problem. So there is a continual frusration that keeps me awake, so I feel too tired to address the issues so the frustration continues.. like the quicksand staircase.

The BEST thing that I have a mentor at work that I am discussing stuff with .. Also forums like this - if you commit to something like post "Right, I'm going to do my tax." It somehow feels easier ... Also I had to cancel Gym contract, and didn't for a year cause I was intimidated - I have an issue with dissapointing people, and cancelling contracts, or returning stuff.

WHEN i finally got around to cancelling there was one phone call required and 5 mins later it was done without any issues, so I had build up all this stuff for nothing..

Maybe one thing to make it positive is to be a Mentor, say, on this forum..

what is it they say? "jjust need an ear, doean't matter who" At least you can say that you are helping others.

4

Hi Ben

Do you take any meds for your depression? I'm bipolar and used to get very self destructive but once they found a good combo of meds for me I felt so much better and never get angry now, I'm just so calm, not drugged or fuzzy headed, just happy and calm.  Of course, I don't have any testosterone like you, which I know can be a driver for aggression, but maybe a medicated soloution might be worth looking at?

Best Wishes

Lizzie

5

Thanks for the reply. Just starting on anti depressents tommorow. Heard countless hopeful testimniols. But this made me even more hopeful. Thanks for the advice.

6

Thanks for the sage advice and explaining how it effects you. It's helpful knowing that other people can find tasks (small in some eyes) unatainable to one with depression.

7

Great that you are feeling up beat about it, but be prepared for it to take a good few weeks to work, and for initial side effects, stick with it for as long as you can and think in the run.  The anti-dep I'm on is citalopram 40mg a day, which one have you been given?

All the best

Lizzie

8

meant ot say THINK IN THE LONG RUN  oops!

9

Thanks for explaining it and for the advice.

10

Thanks for asking. 50 mg setraline once a day. Nervously excited about it (hoping that doesn't meanifest into mania.) Doctor said should take about two weeks before any effect.