Seperated wife lives with my kids...a big mess.

Seperated from my wife 3 years ago. We lost our business and home after bad finicial troubles that had gone on for 2/3 years beforehand. We had been together for 14 years. She was a beautiful woman, loving, kind, helpful, adventurous, sexy...all I ever wanted. Probably the only thing was that she could be a bit chaotic at where she lived, clothes everywhere, cluttered..but not badly and she was not good at saying sorry if she got something wrong, even something minor.

Had two wonderful kids, after much work, lovely little home, kids adored by both of us, totally immersed in family life. She changed a bit after our first child, not wanting sex which was a nice part of our lives, got better then same after our second child. She would sometimes, esp Xmas be a bit too lavish with presents to our kids, bit ott. When finicially we hit the rocks she was on prozac and well locked up, tearful, did not speak to me, shut me out, for some months, then said, I dont feel the same about you..and within a few months I was asked to leave the family home which i did. She basically erased me from life though never cut me off from my kids, I could see them anytime and still had a key to the house to look after them.

Her home has fairly soon after me leaving become a shambles, changed round routinely, always redecorated, things bought, later thrown out and replaced, often dirty, sinks, toilets, washing up left, laundry everywhere and despite some occassions a big clear up takes place two weeks later it goes back to same. She has been dating online, initially sex dating and orders sexy clothes and toys before each meeting...seen the boxes arrive when there with children and figured it out..found stuff when helping the kids...did not need to snoop. My eldest child 13 has said he is not happy, mums in a mess, hates going home to the home, her head is empty was one comment, she is always on the phone....little doubt it is prospective daters as it would not be a always work..or friends. I have watched total disinteregration over three years and my children will go on to suffer I believe. They have managed well so far probably because they were brought up so beautifully from the start. I have spoken about all these issues...she is in denial that there are any problems. She lives as she does without my help...did not want it. Yes I love her, always have..it is so sad to see..what the hell do I do.      

HI Ron

I'm not a professional but your wife sounds ike she may have a personality disorder, borderline personality bipolar?

I'm in a similar position husband in denial has left the home almost 10 months ago refusing help from anyone including profesionals, not sure if that's due to a lack of trust in people as he has been hurt and bullied by people he worked with.

It's awful when there are kids involved, ours are 19 and 24 and neither want any contact with him as he can't help himself or won't.  Our daughter has had to undergo counselling as it's totally messed her up.   I can imagine you are very worried about yours especailly if they're living with Mum and are subjected to her behaviour.  Kids are pretty resilient, she sounds like she needs a wake up call but when that will happen no one knows, my husand is walking round like an unexploded firework!  We've backed off to let him get on with it, he can destroy his own life but he won't be destroying 3 more lives in the process.

Any chance the kids could stay with you if she is finding it difficult or struggling to cope?  Are there any other alternatives you could look in to?

What about you, what do you want out of life?  Take care of yourself Jackie

I'm afraid depression/mental health isa very selfsih disease and they can only cope with their own needs and survival. 

Thanks for you thoughts...will reply tonite. My wifes mother had agrephobia..and her sisters home is very poor..clutered....unkept..

No problem.  I too have had anxiety and agoraphobia so can see both sides.  We learn from our role models parents, learnt behaviour, learned helplessness etc.  Things can be deeply ingrained for many years and the lid can come off when something is triggered. 

I learnt no coping strategies from my parents, my Mum panicked at the slightest thing, she made a mountain out of a mole hil, eveyrhing nono matter how small was a total disaster!. Although I had the anxiety I've taught myself to chill out and am very laid back with my kids, sometimes you either follow what you have learnt from others or make a conscious effort to behave entirely differently.  Take care Jackie