shame and depression

Mental health
1

ok so here goes....writing out my feelings for you all.

i feel rubbish, worthless, useless and very low. I dont have anything to smile about. The positive things in life have hindrences that make matters worse. Im consumed with suicidal thoughts and self harming because thats what i deserve except i cant carry them out for fear of failure and getting caught and ending up in some nut house. My partner would split up with me and id be alone and that would make me worse.

i cant go get help with it as im ashamed to admit it. The whole thing would stop me from working. work is the only positive right now and i need that but id get sent home straight away with my job.

my family aint approchable, always have something else more pressing to worry about.

i dont have many of friends, most havent got the time to speak so i just sit here in a constant whirlwind of suicidal thoughts. its like im drowning and everyone around me is breathing. they are fine and im just looking at myself for the failure i am.

2

So sorry to hear how you feel. You are being very brave to reach out for help here. This forum is a good place to vent and turn for that support and get that *hug* that could mean all the difference. I find myself that reaching out to friends and family not always help as they don't always understand. However, it does feel very good that they are now aware of how I am feeling as they show their support. This forum can hopefully help you as we all one way or another have had very bad thoughts or can relate to some extent (even if we all have our own story behind our feelings).

Do keep letting us know how you feel. Hope that you one day soon will build up the strength to reach out for help from your doctor or family as it is not at all shameful to reach out for help. It is very courageous to ask for help and you are very strong to write in this forum. I am so grateful myself for gathering the courage to ask for help a couple of months ago, and am on a better path today because of it.

You are not useless and you are absolutely worth staying alive. Do you have any activities at all that focus your mind away from your bad thoughts? Try colouring/painting or perhaps playing/shuffling cards or just look out the window on a bird flying by, or even go out for a walk. Those are little things that worked for me.

Take care

Xx

3

Hi,

Could you write down what would be seen as useful to other people on this site.

How old you are, what grades or results you got, what job/jobs have you done.

We often concentrate on our negatives when feeling so low with ourselves.

Mike.

4

Hello, first of all you are not useless or worthless and you have done the right thing by expressing your true feelings. I can relate to what you are saying about not wanting to tell people because you dont want it to effect your work and private life but things will only get worse if you keep kidding yourself. I myself am only just realising this and first thing tomorrow i'm going to call the doctor and make an appointment. I too dont have any friends i can confide in and i think this has been a big factor in my problems. My depression is taking over my life and so is yours we need to fight this. And i just want you to know that you are not alone

5

Hi why can't you seek help from your doctor?  Only you and them would know as they wouldn't tell your employer or family etc.  You can keep it as quiet as you want but it's clear this is not going to go away on it's own.  If you don't take action things might get even worse - do you want that?   x

 

6

You did the right thing asking for help. Depression is so misunderstood that it keeps many from getting help. This is nothing to be ashamed of anymore than diabetes or cancer. It is called mental illness and it will never be understood by anyone that has not expeienced it. You may not want to say your age but if you can go to the doctor by yourself, no one has to know. It is your choice. You need understanding before you can talk to others your self. I urge you to seek medical help anyway you can. This is a terrible feeling and you feel so alone and ashamed. You deserve to get better and need to. Please post again and let us know how you are. I truly want you to feel better soon. You can get better but be positive and give yourself time to. God bless

7

I don't think  that is pertinent information for useless1989 to give out.  I'm sure she just wanted to vent and get some positive feedback.

8

Please reach out to your doctor when you have thoughts like that.  You need to get professional help or counselling. Your negative thoughts are taking control of your life.  Take the first step with your doctor!

9

hi!! 

Sorry that you are in such a bad place, It probably seems impossible that you will ever feel better, but you will! If you can get help from your doctor you can start recorvering. As to worrying about losing your job- your boss will not know that you talk to your doctor, it's all confidential right? the best way to hold onto your job and maintain control of your life is to seek help immediatly, there is noting to be ashamed of! Good luck xo

10

hi Mike

In relation to your post. Its not relevent as such but i will share that information. Im 26 and a Police officer and doing a degree.

Yes work is the only place i feel free because i HAVE to show a strong face, people rely on me for their protection but as with the job it has the troubled side too so please dont judge me!

11

Hi,

Okay, I find that what you do could be relevant to your situation. So now we know you are an officer of the law.

It would seem by your work that you are open to all that we, the public, don't want to be involved in.

You see people at their worst, theit actions against others and the consequences of those actions. It is also possible that a person in your situation could be drawn into this other side of life.

If you have done something that shames or upsets you then that may mean your reasoning is not corrupted.

If you have allowed something to take place on your watch, then you will also be aware of the outcome.

You are an officer of the law, policeman/woman, but you are first and foremost a human being, able to make bad decisions as well as good ones. You are suicidal because deep down you feel that is the easiest way out.

But once you die, in all probability everything could be revealed about your actions.

You will be judged in your absence and all will be one way only. Any good part of you will be erased, family memories, love of loved ones, so many questions left unanswered. Is that the legacy you would want to leave behind in your name.

If what you have done have you done alone? Or would others be left to continue on.

Please think very carefully before taking any action.

People who have faith can always turn to their faith in times like this, people who have none must face it alone or turn to a faith for guidance.

Mike.

12

Hi,

How are you coping? Are you coming to terms with your predicament.

It is very worrying when things eat at you and it takes a certain strength to try to carry on.

Please hold together and see if we can help you.

Best wishes ,

Mike.