So lonely.

Mental health
1

I just feel so alone.

I barely sleep at all. I average about 3 hours a night but even then it's filled with nightmares that wake me up screaming, or in agony from clenching my jaw so hard, or with indentations in my hand where I've clenched my nails into myself.

Now I have this virus, nothing serious but Im getting even less sleep. I'm exhausted. And everyone is asleep whilst I'm wide awake.

I feel isolated. I toss between wanting to ditch everyone and everything in my life (despite having a partner who I adore and also care for) and wanting to stay in bed the whole time, lock the doors and be with no one but my partner.

I can't remember the last time we had any fun. We are in our 20s. Early 20s. And our lives are a barrage of illness and medical appointments.

I just want a week of normality.

Not a trip abroad or millions of £s... Just a week where I don't have to help him bathe. A week where he doesn't have to remind me to eat. A week when I want to and feel able to shower. That's it. Maybe a trip to the pub?

Nobody in my family wants to believe in mental health issues (despite my family tree being littered with suicides and inpatient treatment for depression). It's just like they want to bury it deep, which I get, it just makes me feel even more isolated.

I don't want to waste my life but right now I feel as though I'm just literally getting through each day; there's no enjoyment, no genuine laughter or happiness.

I can't help but feel sorry for myself in my situation.

I can't help but feel anger towards those who tell me to "get a grip".

I'm trying so hard to get a grip sometimes I think I'm wearing myself down more.

I've got so many masks I put on now for various friends and family, I feel I'm starting to lose myself.

I just feel so alone.

2

Hi I emphasis with you but you are not alone anymore as you have us.   A lot of people including family don't understand or want to understand depression but we know all about it on here.    People will often say 'get a grip'  or 'snap out of it'  or 'pull yourself together'  like you are a pair of curtains.   

It does sound like depression and the only way you are going to get help and treatment is going to your doctor.   Meds and/or counselling might help so please make that appointment and go.   

Remember we are here for you.    x

3

Hi,

Thank you for responding, it's very kind of you.

I guess it's just that I know I have depression, I just seem to spend my life trying to convince family and friends that it exists. And that I have it.

I've had it for 10 years now and still my own dad, my best friends, my extended family, they just dismiss me as if I am not trying hard enough.

I've tried all the anti depressants under the sun they just don't really work for me, my psychologist thinks its because I have a number of other issues such as PTSD, OCD, panic attacks and insomnia that haven't been properly dealt with over the years.

He's trying now to help me deal with these issues but because of limited funding he himself has admitted we won't get all the work that needs to be done, done in the time we have.

So then I'm back with no help again. I've already exhausted all the appointments I'm entitled to with counsellors and CBT therapists, I've seen a psychiatrist too. But after my sessions with my psychologist run out that's kind of it.

Like what do I do then? When I've tried all the meds? When I can't get any talk therapy?

It just further adds to my feelings of loneliness.

Thank you for being there and being kind x

4

You have us here so don't feel too alone.  I have lived alone for 30 yeasrs except for pets, but I think loneliness is very difficult to deal with.  I don't sleep well either, never have. 

Depression takes away so much.  People who have not experienced depression rreally have trouble understanding it.  I think we all find that.  Just one close friend or memberof the family who you can talk to does help.  Many people feel there is a stigma about having a mental illness and like you say dismiss it as nothing important.  I hate this "get a grip" that gets said.  If we could we would wouldn't we.  But we can't "get a grip". 

Keep posting here and we all understand and care.

5

Hi,

Thank you for being so kind.

You're right, I think loneliness is so difficult because even when I'm with friends I still feel so lonely, because I know they don't understand how I feel in my head.

It's not through lack of trying to explain either. They're just firm "non-believers". I said to my psychologist it's like trying to convince somebody to believe in ghosts. It's like people have they're minds made up; either ghosts are real or ghosts are not. But the problem is that there isn't really any room for debate when it comes to depression.

It is an illness. Simple as that. It's a very real thing and so I get SO frustrated when I try and talk to people about it and they just switch off like I'm crazy, like I'm making it up. Which I'm obviously not.

Who would want to invent this reality to live in? Apparently I'm "so lucky" that I don't work. I'd give anything to be able to work!

People act like this is some way I've decided to live my life, rather than it being imposed on me. Honestly what id give for some normality; a job, some sleep, not having to constantly check the hob is off, not leaving the house and then having to go back in to make sure I've shut all the windows, not having panic attacks all the time. All of this is exhausting. And I'm "lucky" I don't work?

A lot of people get to work 9-5 and then they come home, and relax. My job of battling this awful depression is all day, everyday. I don't even get any peace from sleep.

I'm so fed up honestly I just can't even express how desperate I am to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry for ranting xx

6

do what makes you happy, find friends and it would be good if you would search for help

7

Why is this person who was posting as a doctor from Toronto called Albert now posting as val? I don't understand xx

8

I think it's a scam which is why I asked how they were guided in.   I don't know if you noticed but there were several spelling mistakes in their posts and I don't think a physician would make any.   I missed the change of name though - well spotted.  x

9

Yeah from the initial posting I was asking where they were getting their information from as like I said, it sounded so familiar to what genuine mental health practitioners have said to me.

When I questioned further it seemed to me to be repeating/copying information rather than a genuine practitioner.

Then he signposted me to a youtube clip which I watched, I looked up the person who appears to be delivering the content of the clip and came up with a practitioner from Toronto.

The credentials and exact facts of their profession didn't seem very clear though.

And now the name has changed.

Don't really understand it or its purpose?

Do you?

Sorry I'm new to all of this online posting thing it just set a few alarm bells ringing for me and made me a bit uncomfortable.

I might be over reacting, I just didn't like the tone or content of the messages. It didn't seem genuine.

And if it was a genuine medical health professional trying to reach out and help, why change their name and gender?

I genuinely don't get it! X

10

Hi Audrey I have been on a few online sites and have come across a few scams and lies before.  Now I am not suggesting that Val is anything other than what s/he says but I have a good instinct for things that don't seem quite kosher if you know what I mean.  

If you suspect anyone of this the best thing to do is click on the report button on the bottom of their post and let the moderators sort it out.  x

 

11

Thanks for that I didn't know about that.

Weird because in normal life I'd be much more conscious of that kind of thing..

Well all I can say is less then 48 hours ago "val" was "Albert".

I just worry about the most vulnerable people genuinely seeking help, who haven't come across people who talk the way they were.

Thank you for the advice x

12

Brilliant Val. Agree with all of the above. "You become what you think" It's so self explanatory and very powerful. Something I've recently started learning myself. I've suffered from severe bouts of depression myself and took it upon myself well to help myself. It's the perfect medication. Stop looking for others to fix you or how you feel etc take it upon yourself to try and understand it yourself. Help yourself. It can be done x

13

Hi Audrey,

I did notice this user yesterday and deactivated the account. I have now deleted their posts and some replies. I'm not sure it was the same user that was posting before but if you see anything suspicious like this then please do report the posts and do not reply to them is best. You are certainly not over reacting. We cannot stop all spammers but will delete accounts once reported. It may be this and the other user were genuine physicians/therapists but I expect they were promoting their own commercial services/clinics so will be blocked.

For info - there is a link to FAQs at the bottom of every page in the forums if you need any help including how to contact me if required.

Regards,

Alan

14

Having disbelieving and unsympathetic family can worsen mental health issues. When I first got ill I was only 18 and constantly being told by my parents to "pull my socks up", "stop moping", "grow up and take responsibility" etc etc. Unfortunately I got really ill a year later and was in hospital for quite some time, it took a plain speaking psychiatrist to spell out to my parents that it is possible for people to become mentally unwell and cease to function. Hence why I was on a section in hospital. 

I understand the feelings you have, it's a long term battle dealing with mental illness and eventually you might get to a point where you accept that you can't live in the same way as everyone else, with the same amount of spontaneity and freedom. It's a hard truth to come to terms with but I guess once you do acknowledge it, some of the self blame might ease.

15

I understand the frustration, I would also like to be able to have a job and develop a  career for myself but I can't right now. You have to accept that people don't understand what they've never known, it's impossible for a person who has never even been mildly depressed to comprehend the depths of suffering that some people experience. It's a pointless task to fight your corner, those with a caring  and those who are good listeners are the people you need around. 

Depression is solitary though, as with all conditions of this sort (and many physical conditions I'd imagine) it's something you have to address on your own. At the end of the day, there's no one else inside your head but you, you have to be the one to decide to fight it. Depression is also frustrating because you don't lose insight, the cruelty is that you are fully aware of how pathetic you feel (and might look to others) but you actually can't stop it. Someone once said to me that being depressed is like being forced to stuff your life into a toilet and ram it down with your foot.

16

H I emphasise with you about your family and friends as mine don't understand either.   When I told one sister I was sufering from depression she just said 'What have you got to be depressed about?'  So I never mention it now.

Stop trying to talk to your family about it as it is pulling you down and making you feel worse.   If they refuse to understand there is no point in keeping trying is there?   You are flogging a dead horse there and for your own sake stop trying.   This is very common as often families either don't want to or can't understand.

We understand and are here to support and help each other.  It's not perfect I know but sometimes it's all we have.   The only place I don't feel alone with it is on here.   So keep coming in and talking to us Audrey and we will do our best.  Lots of hugs

Bev x  

17

i really feel for you i struggle to excist and go to work to feel normal but its killing me inside

what you have writen is how  many people inculding me feel  on daily basis anybody who has never suffered with depreeion will never know the pain 

all you get it will get better pull yourself together like that helps to have a week of would be heaven and about the masks thats so me just to keep the peace when you get ask and how are you ? if you told most people the truth they shy away or change the subject i knowitsnot much help but i know where you are.

people say suicide is easy way out they have no idea at ALL 

18

I agree. Suicide is not an easy way out. I think sometimes people are more scared of living than they are of dying - for someone to be able to overide the instinct to live and protect your life must mean their pain is enormous.

That's what people who aren't depressed don't realise, a lot of them just think depressed people kill themselves because they don't want to face up to responsibility. It's not that though, when I'm suicidal it's more a feeling of being so sick of existing and having no life left in you, that actually being dead sounds like an improvement.

19

I get this weird feeling, I wouldn't exactly call it suicidal but its almost like that.

It's like I don't want to be living my life but I don't wont to be dead either.

I can only explain it as wanting my life to be on pause, my brain and body to be in pause.

Like I need a break from everyone and everything, and myself. But I don't want it to be permanent, just for long enough to feel better.

I don't know if that rambling makes any sense to anybody lol but that's the best way I can describe it.

20

It makes sense to me. I always think "I want to hibernate". I have no urge to live but I don't want to kill myself either. It's like living in limbo.

Some days I do feel like I could kill myself but I would never do something like that unless I was absolutely sure. For me to be absolutely sure, I'd hvee to make a plan and not just be apathetic. Most of the time I'm just apathetic so I don't try and kill myself.

I have made suicidal gestures before and it was traumatic. I don't think I realised it would just make things worse, I thought it would be a release. I did end up getting addicted to taking overdoses as a means of self harm/coping and very nearly killed myself. Never doing that again.