Hello to all,
I suppose I just wanted to talk to somebody and that's why I am writing this. This will be rather long so sorry about that.
I have suffered from anxiety for some time now. It all started in my teenage years (I am now 24). Whenever I had some kind of pain I would search on the internet and become obsessed over it. I remember laying in bed for a week thinking I have brain tumor and that I was about to die. The anxiety was on and off. Then I never thought it would cause me some kind of problem. Over the years I would become obsessed over something for a few weeks, get stressed about it and then I would kind of forget about it and move on. I had a panick attack when I was 17 but since then I felt pretty ok. Over the years I developed fears I don't previously have, like fear o bridges, tunnels, hights and mostly airplanes. Even when traveling with car I would always think of the worst possible scenario happening but it was just a fleeting thought.
Five years ago I met my boyfriend and everything was perfect. I was the happier I had ever been. I grew up with my mother who I love but she definitely had her issues when raising me. She was really strict and had outbursts of anger. Her emotions changed by the minute. I remember taking responsibility for myself pretty young. I started working part time when I was fifteen and full-time at nineteen. So when I met my boyfriend we made plans after two years of being in a relationship to move in together.
That's when things started changing for me. The change was so subtle, that I didn't even notice. Several things happened in a year (my boyfriend had a motorcycle accident, he fortunately was okey, my dog which I loved with all my heart had surgery because we thought she had cancer. Unfortunately after some months she really developed cancer and died) I was shocked. But the most shocking of all was the inability to cry. I did feel sad but I did not cry and was pretty calm about it. Two months after that (last June) I had horrible migraines everyday. I started obsessing about brain tumor again. And then one morning out of the blue came my first full blown panick attack. I went to the er I was vommiting every five minutes had rapid heartbeat and all of that stuff. After 4hours I was exhausted but back to normal in the following week this happened three times with the exact same symptoms. I had my MRI and blood tests everything was good. I then went to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and mild depression and prescribed antidepressants. I never took the meds I really thought I could manage on my own and I didn't feel depressed so I just forgot that this had ever happened and moved on. Went on holidays, spent time with friends, I got promoted and had a perfect winter holidays. Everything was good.
Then my second dog had an injury and had surgery. All the anxiousness I had tried so much to control came crushing down on me. I didn't notice at the beginning. Around March of this year's I would become more agitated about everything. I would wake up at night with panic. I still didn't think much of it (or I just didn't want to accept I had to deal with it). One day after a long day of work and when I had returned home I started crying. I couldn't stop. I didn't have any reason to cry. I just did. For three days I couldn't stop. That's when I went again to a psychiatrist and prescribed me fluoxetine. I am seeing a therapist as well. The thing that scares me the most in all of this is that I think all of this has brought some kind of depression. I feel sad and hopeless. I overthink everything and this has made me feel like I have some existential crycis as well. I can't find meaning in anything. I feel so detached from everything I used to enjoy and feel like I never really had meaning in my life. The only times I seem to relax is when I am with my boyfriend or his family. I feel safe with them. I think about my future and feel doomed. I have never felt anything like this. I have been taking my medication for five week and although I know it is early to see full benefit I still feel like I will be in this dark place forever. I constantly have crazy thoughts about death. I fear I will die or someone I love will. I then think of going crazy and harming myself. I don't intend doing anything like that that's for sure But the "what ifs" are killing me. I really don't think that after all of this I will be able to feel "normal" again. I feel such guilt for my boyfriend. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and he does not deserve to endure all this pain with me. Anyway I just need some comfort and needed to vent. I am sorry for any grammatical mistakes, English is not my mother laungage. Feel free to share your stories.
Joann
You’ll not have a brain tumour. I’ve been through that stage of my anxiety I get scared I’m going to have heart attacks strokes etc. I’m currently going through a stage I think I have throat cancer. But I’ve had tests with my bloods and stuff and doctor told me no cancer don’t worry I’m 19 it’s horrible but stay strong just remind yourself it’s your anxiety it’s hard but will get better. I think like people actual suffer from these illnesses did they sit and worry and make there defos depressed every night probably not. They try live there life’s to the happiest they can! Stay strong you’ll get better. It’s so hard but it will get better seriously I always tell myself it’s just my anxiety and take deep breathes keep good
Thank you Darren for your reply,
I totally understand what you are going through. Anxiety makes us think all kind of negative stuff but sometimes it's so hard not to believe what our mind tells us. The greatest struggle for me right now Is that I feel trapped in my body. I am restless but can't be bothered doing anything at the same time. It's really getting frustrating. Feeling empty and sad but at the same time agitated and restless. I hope we find a way to better handle our thoughts and not let them control our lives so much!
Josnn
Hi Joanne, I read your message and was so moved by it that I'm sending you a big hug! It sounds like you are a deep thinking person who can sometimes over think situations and fixate on thoughts. I've do exactly the same. It sounds to me as though it could be obsessive compulsive disorder. Whereby you get a thought in your head and you can't get rid of it. How do you feel when you get these thoughts, do you try and resist and push them out? I think the fact that you worry about thinks all the time, is definitely linked to anxiety. Your continuous worrying is draining and wearing you down. I think from an early age because life was sometimes difficult you maybe felt alone and developed coping mechanisms without even realising it. The fact that you didn't cry when your beloved dog died is an example of that. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone reacts differently at times like that. I think you have bottled up your feelings for a long time as this is the way you cope with. Almost as though subconsciously you don't allow yourself to go there. Therefore, you have built an invisible wall so you don't have to deal with the pain. The only problem with that is in the end your grief will catch up with you and come out usually triggered by something unrelated. You could tell yourself that it is OK to feel sad sometimes and to cry. As human beings we all have times when we feel sad, it's human nature. Tell yourself it's OK to feel like that and that your cannot always feel or be strong. It sounds as though you are anxious and depressed. There doesn't always have to be a reason. I'm glad you are now taking your medication and it sounds as though your boyfriend loves you and is very supportive. That's great and can only help. Don't be afraid to speak out when you feel sad. I know it's tough for you at present but there is hope and you can get better, I promise you. Message me anytime sweetheart and I hope you feel better soon. Keep me posted, Donna xxx
I've had anxiety since I was about 20 (I'm 28 now). I know exactly how you feel, it really does get soo hard sometimes. I notice I go through stages, there was a period where i was so nervous i couldn't eat anything and lost a lot of weight, then I had a period where I was experiencing agoraphobia and was afraid to even go to walmart for fear of having a panic attack in front of others. Currently I've been dealing with health anxiety after losing a loved one to cancer last year. I see a therapist and it helps a lot, I haven't tried to go on meds yet - thatll be more of a last resort for me. But I always think like, what's the next thing gonna be now -_- I've come to terms that it's probably never going to fully leave and that's definitely depressing sometimes. I get in moods when my anxiety is bad where I do feel super depressed, but once I feel less anxious I am better again. I think it's prob the same for you - you don't actually have depression issues, but your anxiety is making you feel so low that you're feeling depressed. I hope your meds kick in and help you soon, I have heard they can take months or even up to a year to fully work. So I think there is definitely hope for you and I wouldn't give up just yet! Even if these meds don't work, some people need to try a few diff ones b4 finding what helps them. That may be the case for you.
Thank you Donna so much for your reply. You give me hope that in the end everything will be better. Truth be told from very young age I used to keep my feelings to myself. I never liked expressing my feelings. I do it only with people who are really close to me. That's why people that don't know me sometimes think that I am distant and "snob". I always had to be strong and mature because my mother was emotionally unstable and I think that in the end all this maturity has made me tired and exhausted. When I have all these negative thoughts I try to push them away but thst seams to make them more uncomfortable and distressing. For example I don't have driving license yet but I often think how I can just turn the steering wheel and go to the opposite direction. I don't mean to do something like that but it freaks me out. As for the grief part you are right I just try to stay strong and cope. When my grandfather died, whom I love dearly, my mother was devastated. I was 17 at the time. My mother had to fly over to another country for the funeral and leave me behind fend for the house and myself. I didn't cry or mourn. I felt sad but just kept going. I think everything has cought up with me right now.
Anyway, I really hope you have all the best in the world and thank you so much for your support!!
Joann
Thank you Philly for your reply. I really hope everything gets better for you. Therapy indeed helps a lot and that's the first step to learning how to cope with anxiety. I too think that anxiety is a permanent situation but can be handled quite successfully. (Hope we can do it) when I am in a better mood I think that my anxiety is just a personality traits in me like everything else that makes me who I am. I just want to tune it down so that I can manage it better and right now it seams impossible! Stay strong. That is what I try to tell myself everyday!
Joann
Hi Joann, you have my support anytime. That is a prime example that when your grandad died, your mum went away for the funeral and you had no choice but to cope and survive by yourself. You had no choice but to just get on with things alone. When in fact 17 is such a young age to have to cope with the loss of your grandad whom you loved dearly. It must of been such a difficult time for you. You needed support but unfortunately you mum had to attend the funeral. But you got through it! And you will get through this difficult time as well. You seem to be very bright and have a good understanding of what is happening. That's good in a way. The thoughts you talk about, the more you push them out, the stronger they keep coming! Try not to! If you think something, say to yourself, im not bothered, its only a thought, It can't hurt me. Let it come and go and let it pass. I know its easier said than done. But its the thought that is making you anxious. Try not to let it! What you are experiencing is more common than you think. Thoughts can be very powerful but that's all they are -just thoughts. Distract yourself. Keep me posted sweetheart, Donna xxx
Joann
You will not have a Tumor, your are suffering Anxiety and you may find given your past you are sensitized to your body and this is effecting your life choices.
Like you we are dog people, we lost our first dog after it walked through a pool of oil or break fluid in the snow, I developed cancer in a claw and withing six months He was dead, it had spread to His Lungs. A dog is a member of the family and they do take ill, the problem is their lives are so short and we seem to suffer their death in an amplified way because of that.
All I can suggest is keep attending your treatments and they will explain any ways you can control this illness that many suffer here. If you follow their treatment pathway you will hopefully feel better soon
You are not alone
BOB
Bob thank you for your reply!
I really hope start feeling better soon.
Truth be told yesterday I had a calm evening and night. I even cleaned my house which I had not been able to do for a long time.
Pets are like family members for me too. I now have a Yorkie which is 12years old and I dread the moment she will pass away.
Thank you so much for the support!
Joann
Hello Donna,
Yesterday I had a pretty calm evening and night. I even cleaned my house!! I felt much better after we talked in here. All you lovely people here give me support and remind me I am not alone although I wish nobody had to go through anxiety and mental illnesses in general.
I hope you are having a good day as well!
Joann
Hi Joanne, Im so glad you had a better night last night. I reckon it was because you distracted yourself. You probably felt quite tired afterwards which definitely helps with anxiety. And I totally agree that having depression and anxiety is the worst, loneliest condition to have to deal with! I'm always here for you because I understand. Message me anytime sweetheart xx Donna x
Sorry I spelt your name Joann. Ya! I got it right! Xxx