So much going on, feels so strange.

Mental health
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i only joined last week, was it last week? Yes think so. Lots of nice people, Jake said he finds it helps him to write, I finding the same thing, need to write now, no one to talk to.

strange few days, depression no change, physical health bad, not ate for 24 hours, feel strange, detached, like I'm looking at the world but doesn't feel real. Anxiety not good, went to dentist Thursday, spent two days replaying in my head everything i said and did during the appointment, certain my dentist was looking at me like I was a freak or just weird, keep rerunning everything, all my actions, every word. Wish my mind had an off switch. Worn out through that and my heart keeps racing.

dixcoverdd a couple of days ago I have border line personality disorder, seems i may have had it since a child, explains a lot, maybe I'm not evil after all like people said I am, reading th info I was given on feels like reading the story of my life. 

My my cat has died, had him for 10 years, also discovered my friend from school days has killed herself with a heroin overdose. Keep thinking how happy she was at school, always giggling and laughing, what went wrong? Guess she grew up, now I know why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up, sorry rambling now.

for the first time I decided to try and take back some control of me, booked a hotel room for January. Got a 79% price cut on it, pay later and I can cancel without paying anything or losing money. Means I got 3 months to see how life goes. Maybe my physical and mental health will improve, maybe I will wake up one day and think life is wonderful, do miracles happen?? Not with my luck but who knows.

Didnt book for breakfast not really much point. So many things to consider, like if my life and health gets worse and the hotel plan follows through so many people to consider. Do you leave a tip and an apology for the hotel staff for ruining their day? Should I go out wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas to maybe give the emergency services something to smile at? Rambling again I thin sorry.

not scared of death but don't want to die alone. Was planning or thinking of being on the phone to the samaritans as I died but keep thinking it would be cruel of me to do that to someone, make them listen to me die.  So I guess that is a no. Need to find some nice music instead.

Guess ss the reason for January is to give the elderly relative one last christmas, he loves christmas, I hate it.  A time for families and children, without them christmas is pretty hollow. Hell, even thinking back to family Christmases years ago it was fake. Spending christmas with people who for 364 days you hate and ignore and for one day you pretend to be happy and smile at them while secretly hoping they choke on their Turkey.  Have discussed things with him, told him if police come he has to deny knowing of my plans and deny knowing I had the means for my end. Unless he wants to spend his final twilight years in jail.

told me he will be fine on his own, he likes his own company, might miss me but he will get by. Said he wants to live forever. God how did he get so sic kingly cheerful. Maybe that ECT he had when young, maybe a good zap of electricity is what I need, worked for him. Left him lists such as bank details, funeral plans, where to buy the ham, how to work the tv remote, little things.

have printed out my email communications from my suicide comtact, he warned me to delete all correspondance but I figure if I do go ahead I don't want to leave loose ends, make the polices job easier if they know where and how. Besides I don't think the police are going to be hopping onto a plane to Beijing to track down my contact.

had a phone call from that euthanasia forum in Oz, don't know if I can say the name, begins with an E. Got kicked off their forum, seems they took exception to me trying to talk their members out of suicicde. Just find it weird that people post updates on the day they intend to die and people are online wishing them good luck. Me I was trying to stop them but that didn't go down to well with the death ghouls on there. Tell you it's a freaky place that site. Made contact with three people spoke with them, spoke a few times with them, convincing them how wonderful life was hope they reconsidered. Weird really, can't save myself, but will try and stop others. Didn't even refund me my membership fee.

sorry to ramble on, think I need to try and damp down my anxiety I am feeling now and take some pain meds as well.

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I like to be organised, may not need the hotel room, maybe things will improve, maybe my dr will do something maybe new meds or something. A lot can happen in 3 months. For bad or good.

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Hey elves just got back and ding my phone goes smile glad you feel writing things down helps mate does more than you think

Yeah I tried a few forums before this one and I just got told to see my doctor and as if they didn't even bother reading what I had to say.. That's a bit strange people post the day they want to die and people wish them luck, a bit weird..

You will enjoy the hotel I've been in one for a month now and fly back home on Wednesday, I don't want to imagine how bad id be if I was still in that dreadful hostel.. Hope your ok bud, don't feel like you have nobody to talk to smile I'll listen

And I get what you mean with your anxiety, I had to ring someone the other day and went as far as writing down what I was goin to say and then going over in my head after and picking it all apart after.. it's horrible...

Hopefully I can get put on meds and start therapy, I wrote a letter because when I'm not in a low mood I'm in total denial I need help and just think it will pass.. Anxious though because why would a doctor believe me when I know I'll act like I'm fine...

Take care mate hope you get better soon smile

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Hi Jake hope you feel a bit better once your back home  in Blighty.  Know what you mean about doctor believing you when you act fine, I'm the same, don't think I will be able to fool him this time though, the physical evidence is all too clear and anxiety really sucks.

 Great idea about writing the letter. Hope you get some proper meds and treatment so you can begin to recover and feel better.  You should be happy, not having to deal with this. 

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Hi Elves I am feeling very sad after reading your post.  Thank goodness you got off that dreadful euthanasia site.  As you tried to talk people there out of suicide I am going to try and do it for you here.

A lot can happen in 3 months like you say so I am glad, if you had to book a room, you did it so far ahead.  Are you on ad's at the moment?  Have you had/or are having any counselling.  If not I think you should do that first before you consider suicide.  Is there anything you haven't tried to make yourself feel your life more worthwhile?  If so do those first please.

I think you are feeling especially low because of your poor cat dying and your old schoolfriend.   I had to have my puddy cat put down in January this year because he had cancer.  For at least 5 days afterwards I felt like a 'cat killer' and felt terrible. Then the words people said to me could get through - he had a good life,  you saved him suffering etc. etc.  

I feel for your school friend - that's one reason why drugs are so dangerous isn't it? But how you feel about her is how people will feel about you if you go ahead with your plans.   

I don't think you really want to die do you?  Is it the only solution you can see?  Are you at the end of your tether?  I do understand those feelings and I bet lots on here do so you are not alone.  Now you have found us stay with us please and we will give you all the support and help we can.  Don't forget suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem and your uniqueness would be missed.  x

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Hi hypercat, not any counselling, my psychiatrist dumped me, said he couldn't help me anymore. Supposed to have a med review next month, will be imposible to pretend everything is ok to my g.p when he sees the injuries on my arm and asks why I have lost over two stone in weight.

my physical health means I am too scared now to eat and every night I go to bed wondering how sick I will be the next day and how much pain. Along with the depression well, Stupid I know that There are people worse off so maybe I'm just selfish.

Sorry about your cat hyper, but at the end you showed him how much you loved him by letting him go to save him from pain. You put what was best for him first even though it was hurting you. My cat  was my only friend, killed by a dog. I tried to save him, got him off the dog but wasn't strong enough and the dog dragged him out of my arms. Kept thinking how he would hate being dirty and covered in mud and blood, especially when I gave him a bath a few days earlier.

it is the only solution I see, sitting staring at that little bottle you think how easy it would be, just to fall asleep forever, I'm lucky I guess that I will have no one to miss me, my family have previously told me they won't be going to my funeral when I do them the courtesy of dying. when you have no one then I guess it makes things a lot easier.

I would guess most people don't really want to die, just want the pain to stop. Problem is not all physical pain can be cured and as for depression you can't escape your mind. Those demons keep coming back.

will stick around here, unless everyone gets fed up of me and tells me to go away. I do tend to have that effect on people, was told that BPD people can come across as slightly strange or missing a couple of screws. I replied that I wasn't missing a few screws, in my case the entire toolbox was missing.

 

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Hi, writing can make you feel better but i hope that your not planning your suicide. We have spoke here before and i am always willing to listen. I feel sad reading your post and thou i don't know you personally i would be devastated if you died. Keep with this forum and we can support you. Jake and Hypercat and myself care that's 3 of us. Please keep writing down your feelings, don't give up. A big hug to you Elizabeth xx

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Thanks mate I know sometimes not being here might seem like the only way out when you feel like that but there's so much potential of being happy in the future, for me I want a family of my own which is something I use to remind myself to stick around.

Like I said don't think you don't have anyone to talk to because I'll always be here for you, I know how horrible it is not having anyone you can talk to, people here care and so do I.. Take care your a really nice guy and deserve happiness, just stay strong and come here when your feeling low x

I do know how overwhelming not wanting to be here can be, I had another day of completely wanting to give up around 2 days ago but someone who I met here helped me through it. 

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Hi Elizabeth and thank you, I really do like it here. Writing things down here makes me feel like I got people to talk to for the first time in my life. Just made the booking for if I decide to make that leap. Hoping I wont, hoping things somehow will get better not worse between now and January but strangely feel at peace now either way.

miss my little cat, he died in my arms, just buried him now and put a marker down. Will keep writing, wish this anxiety would ease up, feels like something awful is going to happen and my heart is hammering away. It feels exactly like what you get when your really scared but it never goes.

thank you for caring. Someone suggested to me Valium for my anxiety and depression so maybe see if a chemist has some.

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Thanks Jake, glad your still here as well and I'm sure you will have a nice family in the future, that is a great goal to stick around for, people here are really nice and supportive yourself included.

 not a guy a girl, not that it matters. Good that someone here got you through when things were bad. x

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Sorry about that x

Feeling any better today? Sorry if I ramble on a bit, feeling low and tend to talk a lot to distract myself

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No probs Jake, know what you mean, I also ramble a lot, it's good to talk as well helps when your low. x

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Yeah 7am now and had no sleep at all, getting really anxious about having to go to the airport tomorrow.. And thanks I do ramble on but just my way of dealing with things..

You up to much ? x

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No, having pain from my physical illness, feeling pretty bad, will go to bed,  I need to give up eating completely.

Hard not be anxious about your trip tomorrow, you will soon be home though.

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Really sorry to hear that x

Yeah get some sleep if your not feeling very good, talk later and of course, take care xx

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You too Jake, look after yourself hope you have a nice flight home, not to stressful and you feel less anxious. xxx 

i wil wil be back here maybe tomorrow or day after depending.

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Hi, I am sorry about your cat he sounded like he was good company for you. Valium can only be got on prescription and it is addictive, thou there are other meds you can get, i take Citalopram and they have helped with my anxiety. I don't like meds but they take the edge off, only take 10mg for that reason. Please see your GP and explain how you feel. Take care xx

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I'll be on probably when I'm home or in hongkong as I have to wait 7 hours there before my flight..

Anyway look after yourself and remember your not alone xxx

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I tend to do the same but you must tell your gp everything, like I said I've wrote a letter as there is no escaping then once I've shown it to my doctor, maybe you could do the same? You could also look at support groups for people going through the same, I am thinking of finding one where you can meet and talk to people who understand.

I'm going to show them the cuts on my arms and really try my best to be as honest as possible but deep down it's easy to say all of that here and no doubt I'll just shut down when I speak to anyone..

That's a horrible thing for your family to say, don't listen to them you have every reason to live and I can't believe they would say that knowing you are struggling sad

I wish I could give advice about not wanting to be here but when I get low, I don't have friends and my family have put me down so much and don't understand me, I feel like there really isn't much to stay for.. I just hold onto wanting a family which is perhaps the reason I'm still here.. 

Nobody will get sick of you here I promise and I hope you feel this is a place you feel comfortable to come and release.. I may have nobody but the people here have helped me and it may sound silly but it's a place I can come and relax when I'm down.. 

Just scares me that I'm 20 and everyone my age is so happy and having a wonderful life and I'm emotionless, show no interest in my own life or others and have never been so alone and lost..

Anyway I'll stop rambling, had to say all of that though.. anyway I'll always listen and take care xx

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No Jake you assume everyone at your age is happy etc. but lots aren't.  They are just better at putting on a happy face (or more hypocritical) which ever way you look at it.  Putting a happy face on attracts others which in turn makes you feel better - it's a vicious circle.   Looking miserable or depressed repels others which is a sad fact of life. x