So unhappy (long post,sorry)

[nh_user_384350]

Hi there, I have posted elsewhere on here responding to people about some mental health issues, trying to be positive. I mean in general I cope (or appear to) and try to find the good things in life to focus on. I have good things in my life and am lucky in many respects, I just feel so depressed and I was hoping this was never going to happen again. 

I can't sleep at the moment, I lie awake for hours every night and my brain won't turn off. Sometimes it can take me the whole night to fall asleep and then it's half past 5 in the morning and I'm still awake. I don't know why this is happening as I am active and do try to give my days purpose even though I don't work. I have to keep my mind busy. Lately though it's been hard to concentrate, I have this heavy feeling in my head like there are lead weights in there. Everything feels drab/dull. I feel like I am going through my days with a front on and inside I am just on the verge of tears. I hate feeling weak so I have to just put on a front and pretend I am ok, it's killing me.

When I'm like this I feel angry inside and ruminate a lot. I have started having unusual experiences again (I say again because I have had psychosis in the past and it does come and go) but I feel so scared by them and I have to just ignore it when it happens or pretend it isn't happening so as not to upset my family. I say mantras to myself to stop the voices but they speak over the TV and radio at night. Why is this happening to me? I have done everything I can to make myself well and I feel like I am going to have my whole life being scared of another episode of illness or feeling less than others because I have this illness.

I have thought about suicide as an option but I don't think it's for me. I've made suicidal gestures in the past but realised eventually that I didn't want to die in agony. I couldn't do that to my family, and to be perfectly honest I don't think I'd have the courage to end my own life. Although it is very tempting some days as I feel I have just had enough of existing. 

I don't know what to do. It's not my life that's the problem, it seems to be me. Other people have worse lives and they are mentally well. I feel humiliated writing this, and not hopeful I will be understood if I were to go back to mental health services. I do see the GP quite often who is nice but  I can't help but feel it's not fair to burden other people with my depressing sh*t. I just want to be normal me so I can live my life. When I am stable I feel I can enjoy things, at the moment I just feel so alone with everything. It's a bit like I'm grieving, but nobody's died - I've got that empty, detached, weird feeling following me around.

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I can't see me coping with this for much longer - all the anxiety, not sleeping, just generally not feeling well and thinking about being dead, not enjoying things, feeling so tired, seeing and hearing things that probably aren't there. It's horrible to live with. 

Sorry for the really long post - I just needed to get all this out my head.  

[nh_user_618508]

I don't think you should feel humiliated by this post at all. My partner has recently ended out relationship saying he can't cope with his emotions. I've always tried my best to be there and support him but he is insistent on pushing me away right now. It's scary and I worry about things that he may do as I know he's self harmed several times. There are so many people going through this but so many people fail to recognise it. I know no matter what people say to you really makes a difference to the way you feel but don't give up and continue to get help from people who understand and support you.

[nh_user_618246]

hi Alex

it all sounds so familiar, I have not slept for 3 nights either. I think the best thing is to keep talking or communicating. Chatting of contacting complete strangers i find is sometimes the best as they have no pre concieved ideas. 

the fog your experience is horrible, i know from experience.

my dad always said, "its darket before its dawn" - if i cant sleep  i sit and read stuff or go for a walk as laying in bed with eyes wide open never works

i hope your ok mate

Adam

[nh_user_596973]

Hi Alex, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this again. :-(

I have experience over the voices thing, but I have suffered on and off with depression since 18. (I'm 32 now).

Has anyone ever explained to you that depression can be due to a chemical imbalance in the brain? If these chemicals aren't at the correct levels, this can affect your moods & bring on depression.

It's easy to say, but you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You have an illness. Why are you stupid, or worth any less than anybody else for having an illness?

Would you think someone was stupid gor having the flu? It's the same thing in efffect.

Don't feel bad about going back to your doctor & please don't consider suicide.

You have got througu this once, so you know you can get through it again.

Take care. I hope you feel better soon.

[nh_user_538423]

Hi Alex, where to start...

Firstly it's good to talk and that's what this forum is all about, sharing our feelings with others and gaining encouragement, although that on its own won't make us better.

Adam is spot on about times when sleep is hard or impossible, read a book or go for a walk.

Never NEVER feel humiliated or think you are a burden on anybody, especially the doctor, he/she should be your best friend at the moment. 😃

Try not to view this as something only you know about, think of the help you would be getting if you'd broken both your legs and arms!! Perish the thought, but certainly everybody would be there to help and comfort you. Same with this, except they will only know and understand how you feel if you talk to them and help them see how you feel.

Suicide is an option, but a very bad option. The impact on your family would be devastating and suicide is permanent whereas your condition will get better sooner or later...

It's at times like these when you realise how much those who are close to you love you and really care about you if you confide in them.

Hang in there mate and except all the help you can get!