Hi, advice from anyone or from fellow sufferers would be most appreciated.
I developed social anxiety at around the age of 12, this being a result of a combination of factors, traumatic events at home (which i wont go into) and the shock of starting secondary school. Its a constant feeling of not ever feeling like i fit in and that i’m not really good enough. I really struggle to make new friends especially with women.
Im able to have conversations and laugh with people but I find it very difficult to trust people to then become friends
After a very traumatic sudden family bereavement in my late teens, i became worse. I had a family soon after this as i wanted my own family to love, this made my isolation increase.
Anyway… fast forward a couple of decades and i’m approaching 40, i’m proud to say in my late 20’s i went back to uni and trained as a professional working in a health occupation with immense responsibility. However, over the years it has become increasingly difficult for me to carry out my job which involves lots of talking to people, including people in authority, which always make me nervous and making decisions quickly and correctly.
I feel that i shouldnt be there and that i really don’t know what i’m doing, i feel very out of control. I’m now on my 2nd breakdown. With the first breakdown i had time off and was diagnosed with complex PTSD.
I can only explain it as (in addition to bouts of depression) too much social overload, too much chattering and busyness which makes me exhausted and I cant think properly to make decisions. I cant bear small talk and gossiping which I feel is such a waste of time. I’m a very caring person and feel that i communicate well when required. However, i’m not very assertive and if theres conflict at work, I burst into tears. This makes me feel like a child.
I hate meetings, would never do any public speaking or seminars and constantly blush. Im running on adrenaline constantly which adds to the tiredness.
I know im a good person with a caring personality, I find if you’re aren’t constantly arguing your case and opinions, then you don’t get anywhere. There is a lot of snapping at people and belittling in my job which is horrible to be around,
For years i’ve been taking anti depressants and beta blockers to be able to goto work and talk to people and put on an act that i’m this bubbly outgoing person. I just cant do it anymore, although i do need some social interaction, i’m happy to just be at home by myself and my dogs where i can think straight.
Ive been desperately looking for jobs to do at home as i still want to and need to work. I just cant find anything suitable or that im qualified for and im terrified that i’lll end up back at my job in the same state a few months down the line.
My husband becomes very frustrated that i cant just snap out of it. I suppose he worries he’ll be the only one earning. Hes very practical and straight down the line, you just get on with it and he feels that i act childish. Sometimes i just want a hug and to tell me its ok.