split personality??

Treatment and medication
1

Hi folks,

after 14 months on prozac I have now changed to citalopram for past 6 days - terrible dry mouth!! Anyways, wondering if anyone feels they have a split personality?

Somehow I have managed to go to work (pt) and appear to be cheery with people, however when I get home I am so exhausted from all the smiles and get really upset, crying and short tempered - I feel like 2 people.

I feel friends are getting a bit fed up with my reclusive nature and running out of goodwill with me - as I've not been returning calls etc but feel I've not anything much to talk about.

Waffling on now, sorry.

hope you all doing as well as can be.

sarah x

2

Hi Sarah

Firstly, congratulations on your ability to continue working while settling down on Citalopram. That alone in my opinion is one huge achievement.

It is no wonder you are exhasted at the end of the day. :oops:

I can see what you mean by split personality :shock:

I can have some really good days or even good moments then without warning can go back into my black hole and become the one eyed monster again! :?

I aim to be back at work in 2 and a half weeks come hell or high water!

Being home all day I don't think is doing me any good what so ever, as it gives my mind too much time to dwell on my dark moods and moments.

I am becoming more and more convinced that these moods will remain with me forever and the only way to get through is to bury them deep in my brain again and leave them there for eternity.

Yesterday I had some terrible thoughts of suicide and although I don't think I would ever attempt it, it did scare me!

My thoughts are becoming more and more morbid - I have even started to plan my own funeral - what songs I want playing, I've even started to write a letter that I would like reading out at my funeral!

Like you Sarah, the last few days I have not felt like talking to anyone - so much so that when someone does it is on the tip of my tongue to tell them to go get lost and leave me alone. :oops:

I have been on citalopram for I think 6 weeks now started on 10mg then went up to 20mg 2 weeks ago.

I am still under the impression that NO drug will help never mind cure us. We have to learn to live with it and find ways of coping from day to day.

Waffle on as much as you like here Sarah, we are all here for you and you will be amazed how much it helps to post your deep and most inner thoughts and feelings here.

Stay strong and perhaps even consider taking a couple of weeks off work while your body adjust to these crazy, crazy pills.

Melbi xxx

3

Hi Sarah and Melbi,

Sarah, I have days when I don't know why my thoughts are so confused, but I believe I have not experienced schizophrenia. Please see a competent medico, like a psychiatrist, who can give you an objective view of the chemical imbalance from which you suffer. I don't know if adding more chemicals makes it better or worse, but you really do need to discuss this issue just like you would if you had cancer, or influenza, gout or an ulcer. Keep posting here, we are a caring and supportive community.

Melbi, I admire you for trying to get back into the workforce. I did, and it is definitely a better place to be than sitting at home feeling worthless. But don't overdo it sweetheart. I would like to suggest that instead of burying these dark thoughts perhaps you could confront them and just remind youreslf at every opportunity that you are a good mum, you are loved by your daughters, you are respected by us, in this forum, and we are really hoping that you can realise that you are a worthwhile member of our little global village.

I am beginning to be persuaded that you are right that no drug will cure us. But at the moment I'm still here, and that's a plus. I thank you again for your post which alerted me to my problem with whiskey, and I still have not touched a drop of it, despite having 2 and a half bottles in my fridge. This is an achievement for me, but it's also due to an act of yours. Please don't be morbid Melbi. We are also here to support you. I have found listening to music helps, but if you choose the wrong music it will drag you down too. Katy and I like the Cranberries, and Dolores O'Riordan's album \"Are You Listening?\" is a favourite. Look at the positives: You have Nigel, he cares for you. You have your daughters, who want you to see their love. And you have us crazies who understand you and want to see you get better. Look after you sweetheart. xxx

4

Hi Sarah and Melbi,

Sarah, I have days when I don't know why my thoughts are so confused, but I believe I have not experienced schizophrenia. Please see a competent medico, like a psychiatrist, who can give you an objective view of the chemical imbalance from which you suffer. I don't know if adding more chemicals makes it better or worse, but you really do need to discuss this issue just like you would if you had cancer, or influenza, gout or an ulcer. Keep posting here, we are a caring and supportive community.

Melbi, I admire you for trying to get back into the workforce. I did, and it is definitely a better place to be than sitting at home feeling worthless. But don't overdo it sweetheart. I would like to suggest that instead of burying these dark thoughts perhaps you could confront them and just remind youreslf at every opportunity that you are a good mum, you are loved by your daughters, you are respected by us, in this forum, and we are really hoping that you can realise that you are a worthwhile member of our little global village.

I am beginning to be persuaded that you are right that no drug will cure us. But at the moment I'm still here, and that's a plus. I thank you again for your post which alerted me to my problem with whiskey, and I still have not touched a drop of it, despite having 2 and a half bottles in my fridge. This is an achievement for me, but it's also due to an act of yours. Please don't be morbid Melbi. We are also here to support you. I have found listening to music helps, but if you choose the wrong music it will drag you down too. Katy and I like the Cranberries, and Dolores O'Riordan's album \"Are You Listening?\" is a favourite. Look at the positives: You have Nigel, he cares for you. You have your daughters, who want you to see their love. And you have us crazies who understand you and want to see you get better. Look after you sweetheart. xxx

5

Hi Breezman my dear online friend,

I don't know, maybe the morbid moments are part of the recovery stage. I have always listened to music depending upon my mood. Maybe by dwelling in the darkest of moods helps release it from our bodies. Who knows what is really going on inside our heads!

A colleague rang me last week devastated to hear of my illness - she couldn't believe it! Her response was 'you have always been everybody elses strength, you are such a strong person'.

As you know I have suffered depression and anxiety for as far back as I can remember - 14/16 years of age.

I have always pulled through because I find great comfort in trying to help others. My job entails helping others less fortunate than myself. Some days my job sends me home feeling pretty much useless as you can't always provide the right help there and then and can take days if not weeks to solve their problem - sometimes there is no solution and you have to face the fact that there isn't always an answer.

Sitting here at home all day everyday swallowing these pills that make me feel I am no longer me is extremely difficult and as each week I do this goes by I get more and more stressed at the thought of having to go back out into the big wide world.

I will go back and I know before long this will just become another one of those episodes I can look back on and say - I recovered yet again!

So what keeps me fighting?

My children, grandchild and now Nigel. Obviously my mum too - to even try and imagine what my mum would feel after 44 years of supporting and helping me would go through should I end it all doesn't bear thinking about.

I have to be strong for them if not for me.

Most days I feel my job on this god damn planet is done and it is time to move on - and yet when I have had a serious illness I worry that I might die!

My dad used to always tell me God would never give anyone a cross too heavy to carry - perhaps God misjudged my strength? I know when I finally meet my creator he is going to get one hell of a kick on his shin and a damn good rant from me! :shock:

Thankfully most days I can laugh at myself and I can accept myself for who I am! Hey! If I didn't suffer from depression and anxiety I would probably be some selfish self centered bitch who everyone hated. :oops:

So which would I choose?

Self centred selfish bitch

or

An anxious depressive who cares about other people and their well-being

I'll go for the latter :D

My boss told me before I went off sick to stop feeling guilty - to think about myself more and others less!

What kind of person would that make me? In my eyes not a very nice one!

LOL i haven't even taken my crazy pill yet and look at me rambling!!!

Time to get out of my safe haven (bed) and face the world (my family)

Enjoy your day everyone and do please PM for a link to the new chatroom - it is so much better than the other :D

Melbi xxx

6

Hi Melbi,

I cannot imagine you self-centred or selfish. Neither of those adjectives fit you. But depression is a creeping sickness in that it seems to gradually isolate its victim from others. My ex used to say I was a million different peole, and that nobody really knew me, but that is not true. I am neither moody nor suffering from multiple personalties. It's just that some days I feel like not communicating. I don't know why. Usually I am very friendly and open and honest, but when I close up I tend to be unreachable. I suppose that's depression.

You know, your Nigel sounds like my Bree. She accepts me without reservation, places no limits and imposes no caveats, treats me like a man with whom she is in love, and I respond to that affection. So all I need to do is get off the Citalopram, get rid of the depression, and enjoy Nirvana with Bree! Well, it's a worthwhile goal, isn't it?

It's good to see you positive Melbi. Take care, my dear online friend. One day in the next few years I hope to bring Bree to England and perhaps we can meet. Can you imagine us nutters all together? YES! I can, and we would probably be as normal a group as you'd find anywhere! xxx

7

Hi guys,i woke up feeling pretty low today.feel a bit better now.I wish i could be positive like you guys! one day i think i feel a little better and then i just feel down again.i know its going to take time to get better and ive only been taking these pills for 3 weeks but im sure i feel more fed up now...has anyone just sat there and thought to themselves \"why me\"..i used to be so happy... :? kim.x

8

Hi Kim. Some days you're better off staying in bed! Yes, I've wondered, \"why me, what have I done, and how can I fix it?\" But depression seems to find victims in all walks of life, from road-wrokers to Supreme Court judges. We are where we are, and we must learn to cope for the moment, in the hope that one day we will be free of this debilitating condition.

Kim, I have read your posts. You are a caring person, and one who has made a difference here in this forum. You can be happy again, but you need to put the negatives in perspective and concentrate on the positives in your life. For instance, I feel so fortunate that after a 32 year relationship which broke down, I have found a loving partner and I am able to feel appreciated. That is a positive, and I am able to block out the negatives with this positive.

Do you have a loving partner? Do you have kids who love you? Are you close to a loving Mum, Dad, or siblings? If not, do you enjoy your work, and/or are you looking forward to going back to work or is there a way to improve your work-life?

There are always positives. It's just that sometimes we find it hard to recognise them. Remember to look after you. xx

9

Hi,brezman, thanks for the reply.I do have a loving family and a caring hubby.My mum is great,i lost my dad 4 yrs ago.My twin brother died 18yrs ago when we were 18.I think thats when i changed really.i lost all my confidence then and when my dad died i just went on a reall downer..But my kids keep me going although now we have the teenage yrs,wow thats hard. :? was i really that moody at there age!!Dont think i was...I keep strong for my mum to,she lots of loving since my dad went.But sometimes im so busy worring about eveyone else i dont look after number1...my mum always says that.I gave up work as i worked in a school but the panic attacks got bad and i became agrophobic..i go out now but not far,and i cant go anywere busy which is really anoying.i will get through this i keep telling myself..its as if i have a person each side one negative one positve talking to me all the time,\"your going to be fine today\"\"no your not\"...its alfull some days.But i am going to get there...ive got to. :wink: kim.x

10

Hi guys

Thanks so much for your replies, it was so good just to get my feelings off my chest!! I did actually phone work to say I would be off this week, 1st time ever as agree I need a wee bit of time to adjust to these tabs.

I have found work mostly positive as it has given me a different focus and use my time up without thinking too much about me!!, funny enough when I have days off I feel worse as nothing to properly structure the day - although I have school run etc. When I was on prozac 40mg, I was binge eating in secret but with these 40mg I have lost my appetite, is this normal?

I have been so encouraged and comforted by the mails posted and thankyou for including me.

Sarah x

11

Hi Sarah,

Your comments struck a chord with me. I find the sheer volume of work I must get done somehow gets done, but then I come home and the washing up is glaring accusingly and I can't remember what I wanted to get done ... like now ... I called in at home on my way to my head office, and here I am ... In re the appetite, I find that I am hungry but can't seem to find the necessary will to cook something, or I look in the fridge and decide that despite being hungry, I don't feel like eating.

So what's normal? Binge eating or drinking are not normal for a normal person, but for victims of depression I think just about any behaviour is symptomatic and so we must define \"normal\". For me, I force myself to have at least an apple or other piece of fruit every day. And I drink water often, like every hour. I find that helps.

Good to see you posting again Sarah. Remember to take care of you. xx

12

I think I have always used work as a way of forgetting, this is what I'm finding so difficult now.

I have no real reason to dash out of bed in a morning, meal times have become non existent to me, although just before being signed off work I wasn't eating anyway. I'd take sandwiches to work for lunch, take one bite and throw them away. I stopped having my breaks just because (looking back now) I was too scared to stop - even for a minute. I'd then come home and start on the house, cooking, cleaning, washing. I'd finally stop around 11pm with sheer exhaustion after being on the go from 6am, fall into bed only to lie there with no signs of sleep. I'd eventually fall asleep around 4/5am only to be woken by my alarm at 6am and another day to get through. This went on from around October until I finally cracked in February. :oops:

This is what I want to know......

Should we continue working to block out our feelings and emotions, our thoughts and problems or should we be staying home and wallowing in them? Does having the opportunity to 'wallow' in our sadness actually help cure us? Or at the very least, help us cope? Or does it just allow us the time to gain some more energy to continue hiding from all our emotions?

Should we block it out or allow it to take over?

Why do we feel as we do? Why aren't we capable of being happy or feeling contentment? Are we looking for something that doesn't exist? Have we set are tragets too high? do we have any real 'targets' in life?

Do we really know what we want out of life? Are we searching for something we haven't found yet? Will we ever find it? How can we find it if we don't know what we are looking for?

How can I look at my family and feel happy and proud yet the darkness still remains?

I know the house the state it is getting in is getting me down, so why can't I motivate myself to get it back in order? What do we really need in life to motivate us as individuals?

If I know that by getting the house sorted will make me feel better then why aren't I doing it? Am I being lazy? Too full of self pity? Resentful of it getting like this in the first place?

Yes I do feel resentment - I resent the fact my family do not have the ability or respect to keep it tidy! Is that my fault? Did I bring them up to be disrespectful of others hard work, did I not teach them about pride?

It's a fairly big house Breezman, nothing too extravagant but takes some doing to keep on top of all the rooms because my kids use each room as a dumping ground for empty crisp packets, empty coke cans, college stuff, shoes, bags etc.

I refused last year to take any responsibilty for their bedrooms, now I just close their doors so I can't see the chaotic mess - but I know it's there and it gets to me but I have stuck to my guns and not tidied them.

They use the bathroom and leave wet towels, worn nightwear etc all over the floor despite there being a laundry basket just outside the door on the landing.

They shave or immac their legs in the bath and leave hair in it :twisted:

They never replace the loo roll :twisted:

Before I can get in the shower I have to start picking p empty shower gel bottles or shampoo bottles, sponges etc. :twisted:

At this moment in time I have an empty crisp packet on my bedroom floor because eldest daughter decided to do her hair and make up in my room while eating crisp and left her crisp packet there! :twisted:

It has been there for 3 days now despite me pointing it out to her every day :twisted:

Did I really rear two slobs? What on earth their houses will be like doesn't bear thinking about :cry:

Still, I am sleeping at night now but only with the help of Night Nurse, which, is fantastic as a sleep aid. I am not suggesting anyone here use it, I know it isn't right to self medicate but this is something I have done for years and dare say I will conitune to use for many more. I have to say though :roll: it i