this is follow on from my post titled shocked how quick depression can get worse. Basically yesterday was a big wake up call for me dating a man with depression. Til yesterday I wouldn't of known he had depression if he hadn't said. Yesterday I met him and he was in his own world nothing I could do or say helped. He lost his wife last year which set his depression off but til yesterday things have been able to take his mind of being upset. Yesterday there was no chance of anything cheering him up. I am thinking he feels he's rushed things with me and that's what brought it on yesterday. Once he'd decided not to come back to mine and been to hospital he seemed so much better. I have told him to have a think what he wants for next Saturday and we can talk about it. I did mention if he just wanted to be mates and get back together when he was ready that was fine. I've thought more about it now and come to the conclusion we do need to have a break and just be friends. This is the last thing I want but I know it's obvious he needs time to get over his wife. This wouldn't change anything between us we would still meet each week talk and be there for each other just less pressure and guilt for him. I wouldn't want to be in relationship with anyone else it would just be wait til he's ready for relationship. I have said its up to him but the more I think the more I think he needs to be single a bit to come to terms with losing his wife. I now have to play along with the boyfriend and girlfriend messages til Saturday so we can meet and talk through it. I haven't decided it's definately over for now as it will depend a lot on what he says but unless he's desperate not to split up we probably will but be on good terms.
Hi,
I'm a single young man with depression that has healty relationships with women (obviously not right now). It sounds like you've given this more than enough thought and been sympathetic to your boyfriend. From my point of view the worst feeling would be letting my depression have a significantly negative impact on somebody elses life. I also believe that this is a stance that would be taken by the majority of people who suffer from depression.
We have had the talk before where he said if ever his depression got too much for me he would understand me walking away. This was on the first bad day I saw him when he seemed ok. I have no intention of walking away but yesterday did make me think how much I could cope with if he only has days like yesterday odd times and feels better after going to hospital every time great it can be worked round but if it starts happening more and he doesn't feel better then I honestly don't know. I really want to help him and be there for him but I'm worried if days like yesterday happen more often and I don't see when or how he will feel better it may get too much. On Saturday im going to talk to him about how he felt and everything and be honest with him about how I feel I think for now he needs to focus on getting depression sorted. I think I'll ask him how he would feel if I was to say we should just be friends and unless he strongly wants to stay in relationship I mite tell him to have a week or two just being friends and see how he feels. It is being made harder because I want a relationship with him so I'm thinking being mates will be best but it's not what I really want so if he doesn't want to just be mates I will make sure we talk through things in detail but what we decide on has to be what he wants because I'll be happy with either I just want things to work.
To be very candid, I think getting depression under control is the number one priority and after that everything will be more likely to fit into place. Liken depression to being a heroin addict... bear with me. It takes a huge amunt of will power and professional help to get it under control but when you do, you'll be dealing with a different person. However, don't take on more than you can cope with if you need to stay with him, it's not your responsibility, professional help is vital (I can't stress that enough).
I totally agree his depression is more important and honestly a few days like yesterday I have no idea if I can cope. My head is saying split up and stay mates my heart is saying stay in relationship. I know I need to listen to my head. I have said its up to him but I know the sensible option is split up and be mates and get back together when he's ready. I think best thing to happen is if he says he wants to be mates for a while because I know that's the best way in long run and it won't be hard for me having to tell him he should focus on his depression.
just one question what's the chances that yesterday was a one off. Like is it likely to happen again? He said he only has really bad days for a reason normally something to do with his wife. Yesterday was the 3rd bad day I'm aware of since September but was by far the worst. Wednesday is another day that could be bad it would of been his wife's birthday so that will probably go towards what decision we make tho I have no idea if either way will mean it's worth staying together. If he's as bad as yesterday bad days could come more often so more reason to focus on that or if it's not as bad then maybe the pressure of being in relationship made him feel worse.
I can't comment on the state of the various relationships but it seems as though your partner has very clear triggers. This is always far easier to deal with and resolve. The difficult cases are once such as my own which resembles an unexplained general melancholia punctuated by unexplained manic high's (bipolar). I think time is the best healer in this case and don't jump to label someone as deressed when their head may simply be a bit scrambled. People that suffer from depression generally have done for years. I hope it works out well for all involved. Try not to overanalyse everythng as you'll drive yourself mad.
i think that you have been very sympathetic to your boyfriend. i hope everything will be ok...