So sorry, me again!
Been struggling with suicidal thoughts for so long now, and it's just getting worse. Getting scared now. Don't trust myself. Was even looking at coffins yesterday. Not been this bad before. Thinking I should be prepared and start writing final letters.
Are you taking any medication for this severe depression?
Been on Escitalopran 20mg for quite a while now. Recently diagnosed with BPD, and am very suicidal. Have history of o/ding.
Hi mami
Firstly please do not apologise for your posting. We are all here for you and I'm relieved you have reached out to us.
I know you are very much struggling and have managed to cope with your feelings this far. I wish I had words of great wisdom for you but I only can give you my heart felt feeling, which is to carry on with the battle and demand assistance from the medical profession. Remember your mind is a powerful thing which is working against you right now. It's important to tell yourself that you are stronger than these thoughts and convince yourself that you are not going to entertain these thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.
Think about the people and things you love. I know this is a tall order when you feel desperately low but please try.
I hope someone here will be able to provide you with sound advice that will help you. Never apologise for reaching out for help. We are all in a similar boat fighting our demons but... We are united in helping each other overcome each hurdle. I hope you jump this hurdle and you need to really believe you will see brighter days.
What are you able to do now to help you relax? Warm bath, music or even a little nap may help. Please keep demanding help from your doctor too xx xx
God bless you and keep you strong xxxx
Oh Mami, my lovely friend, my heart just aches for you. I understand about the preparation, I have done that in the past, and if it makes you feel better, then do it. Perhaps as you do it you will realise how hard it would be for the people you are writing to to cope with losing you. They love you Mami, they want you to be there for them. I want you to be there for me. You have come into my life by pure chance and I think you came for a reason, please don't leave me, please. You are a lovely, lovely person, you have so much to give to others. There are awful people in this world who do not deserve to be here, but you are so special, so kind and caring, don't deprive the world and the people who love you.
I know you won't be listening to any of this...you are in such a bad place...but I can only try. I am crying for you Mami, I am hurting for you, my heart hurts. Please stay.
Pat xxxx
you need jesus go to church
"Life is for living" that's what my mother said... life is difficult to live sometimes but just try and enjoy the existence of being alive it sometimes help's if you know what i mean...
Many of us have been in the same dark place as you so please don't think that you are alone Mami. You feel so alone and lost right now. I know how that feels as well. Depression steals our joy and messes with our thoughts so much that we can't see any light at the end of our dark tunnel.
I sometimes feel better if I get out of the house for awhile or just start sorting through some of my junk at home. Different things work for different people at different times. You need to find what works for you. Just walking around the block can help. I saw a newly blooming rose on an old established bush in our yard today and it brightened my spirits and one of my cats who is getting old walked over to me meowing so I picked him up and put him on my car bonnet and I stroked him for awhile. He seems to get depressed too because his health isn't great as he is getting old. We both benefited from that, so try simple things but if you're anything like me sometimes being alone with your thoughts and sitting or lying around at home just makes us feel lower than ever.
Try to avoid watching TV programs that depress you. Choose uplifting shows. Actually I have often become so absorbed in a random movie on TV that I forgot how down I was feeling!
Tell your doctor how you are feeling. If you feel your medication isn't helping you ask if there might be another one you can try taking. I tried many antidepressants until I found one worked better for me than all the others.
If you are a creative person paint or draw or knit or sew. If you like to dance but you don't like anyone to see you put some music on and dance at home... The feeling of the endorphins in your body can cheer you up and no one can make fun of you!
We are all here for you dear Mami. Don't give up.
Pat, I am so, so sorry. Please don't cry, didn't meant to hurt you. You are my friend and that means so much to me.
Wish I could get away for a while, could do with a break from it all right now.
Please look after yourself my friend
Mami xxxxx
Thank you so much Lorraine, really appreciate your support.
Finding it hard to write anything at the moment, sorry.
Take care of yourself
Mami xxxx
I understand honestly. But when your feeling this bad, please remember you matter a great deal to many people. We all care about you and all understand the feeling of hopelessness. It's no good people commenting 'go to church' that's not helpful when you are despairing. You don't have to attend church for god to be with you. He is with you but we don't recognise it when we are ill.
I will pray for you and in my prayer I will ask for you to have strength and brighter days.
Don't worry about feeling you have to respond. You really don't I just want you to know I care and so do many others xxx
Is there any way at all that you could get away? It would do you the world of good. Is there anyone you could go to visit?
I am glad to see you posting. You should post more, tell us how you are feeling, rant and rave at us, let us try to help.
Keep strong, or as strong as you possibly can. Things change all the time.
Pat xxxxxxxx
Thank you for your replies and words of support.
Don't think I like my psychologist anymore. He keeps asking questions to analyse everything and doesn't understand when I don't have the answers. He told me not to look at coffins again because it wasn't helpful, I had actually found it quite comforting. Don't think he takes my suicidal wishes very seriously to be honest. He managed to persuade me to go DBT group therapy today, but I walked out soon as it started and left during break. Just couldn't cope with it, felt so suicidal. Bought pills and took some, not enough to o'd though. A CPN from CMHT called me and told me to keep safe.
Going away is a pipe dream I cannot fulfill, like many others.
Wish I had something more positive to say, but unfortunately, to me, dying is a positive thing.
Look after yourselves my friends
Mami xxx
Bless you mami
Dying is not a positive outlook and life can and will get better. I know that continually struggling must seem exhausting and overwhelming. I don't think your doctor is looking after you properly as there must be a combination of meds that would give you relief from your symptoms. Please have an early night as rest will recharge your batteries and give your mind some peace. Please demand proper help from your doc as clearly whatever help that's been offered to you is grossly inadequate.
Take care I'm praying for you xxxxx
life for me is a day to day struggle because im in a wheelchair saying you want to die is selfish watch the news people die that dont have a choice be thankful for what u have think of all the little things you would not have if you were dead btw whats your favorite food?
Sometimes... you just have to let things go... it's hard living with the past it has for me because it was the only thing which brought happiness and inspiration to my life. I blame depression on the lack of freedom, i mean just enclosed in such a small world... go to work, come home, cook, sleep, wash, clean... the list goes on. Sometimes people dont realise how much of a life there is if they looked at it from another perspective like save up money so you can go to your desired places and find a new future it really is a life out there if people want it. But there you go...
Thank you Lorraine. Have made appointment with my CPN for Friday morning. Hopefully she'll be able to help sort my head out. She wanted me to see psychologist on Thursday, but not sure if I can, told her don't think things are working between us anymore. Even though I didn't see him last week, after yesterday, think I need a break from him.
Please take care of yourself
Mami xxxx
Hi Shyla. I'm sorry you are struggling in a wheelchair, but you can't compare your difficulties to mine. We all have our problems. I am ill not 'selfish' and seeing others die on the news, unfortunately, does not cure my illness or make me feel better. You did not request to be in a wheelchair, and I didn't choose to have BPD, anxiety, depression nor PTSD.
Hi mami
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me. So pleased you have an appointment for Friday. Please make sure you tell the cpn everything including how tired you are with battling this illness. If you feel up to it please let me know how you get on.
I will continue to pray for you and sending a big hug to you xxx
Hi mami
I totally agree with you! Shyla's message perhaps wasn't meant the way it came across. You are absolutely not selfish and the feelings you have are real and debilitating and not feelings you would choose if you had a choice. Comments even if unintentional can have a real impact and I truly hope you are okay. We all know about global suffering and our hearts go out to all those affected. However that does not detract from our personal illnesses where we are constantly battling to get through another day.
You have done brilliantly sorting out you appointment as I recognise your in a place where that was far from easy.
Stay strong don't let certain comments get you down.
Love to you
Lorraine xx