everyday that i am alive i feel i am a ticking time bomb who is one day going to explode. by "explode" i mean give up, succumb to an escape by the name death. i honestly cannot even realistically see myself dying in any other way other than by me being the cause of it. i hate driving now, every single time i drive i feel like crashing my car hard enough that i'd be dead, or i find myself wanting to jump off a building or a bridge or wanting to take a rope and make myself a noose. these thoughts have been occurring everyday.. i could have the best day or the worst and they'll still come around. i'll be in the middle of laughing or in the middle of smiling and talking and there the thoughts flood in once again. i get that you are never going to be 100% happy, i really do but i just don't understand why i always feel so unhappy? and when i am smiling from a text someone sent me that might have made my day i think to myself "why are you happy? are you actually happy? is this too good to be true?" it is like i cannot even let myself be happy because i know it probably isn't the truth and why lie to myself? i tell myself to open up to people and i find myself doing the opposite. i know to not rely on others but i keep wishing in the back of my head that someone would tell me "it is okay you can rely on me always" and when they said that it was genuinely true. i just wish i had that shoulder to cry on, that body to warm me up when i feel so cold or when i am crying out an ocean of tears and they just held me until i was calmed down. i just wish there was someone i knew 100% cared but it won't ever happen and i hate it. i know you don't need other people to be happy but once you've gotten a taste of it that feeling lingers until you find yourself craving deeply again. it is hard to trust anyone when your trust has been broken time and time again and the one time you truly were fool enough to think someone could keep that trust they did the same thing everyone does, they leave and they burn that trust all over again. i want to let myself be happy and let myself develop deep trust with someone but the problem is me, i can't because i am so scared of being hurt and tossed like always.. it really really sucks when you feel like you have no one.. it sucks even more when you're in a room full of people and you don't feel like your around anyone you just feel sad and lonely, like always.. it is so hard to keep it together anymore. i just wish i knew things would get better, thinking is just imaginative and they are not depicted as reality to me until they happen, i don't ever see it happening and that is the problem. every second i breathe on this earth i almost feel as though it is a waste because what is the point of being alive when you feel your constantly on the verge of death? that is the true question, and frankly the only answer i see is not even an answer, because there isn't one.
Hello mariah,
So sorry you feel like this, you must believe that things will get better. Thats one of the things about depression, it makes you feel that you will never be happy but that isnt true!! Are you on medication or tried therapy? Ive just started and its scary but many have benefited from both. Please dont do anything drastic, it is never the answer! Please try and talk to you doctor.
Best wishes
Jordan
Hi Mariah, I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone, however it must feel like you are the only person feeling this way as it’s about you and your sense of belonging in this world. I wonder pretty much every day whether anyone actually cares how I feel too but that’s probably a distorted view as I’m sure people do care, of course some more than others, but those close to me will care if it ended my life. I battle through depression daily and some days it seems ‘why do I bother’ but I carry and take one day at a time. That feeling when you are surrounded by people laughing..talking to each other and being human..I wish I’d felt the same, human and part or society. Depression sucks the life out of you. Seek help please and do what’s best for you.
Hi Mariah - you have posted here before, haven't you? I wonder if you have had any medical intervention for how you feel - doctor, meds, therapy? If not, that is the place to start. Please understand that the movement from depression to managing depression does not come with a cut and dried answer. It's a journey of self discovery, and will be one of the most self-supporting things you will do in your life. The meds will help balance your mood so you are able to deal with the depression from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. It will take as long as it takes.
If you have medical support and are disappointed or despondent about the process, meds can be changed, dosages tweaked, alternatives can be found. If the doc is not pleasing, get another one. Alternative medicines include Lavender, Camomile Tea and St Johns Wort.
Death is and escape, but it's permanent. All possibilities die with it. Death is the universal price of life and it will find you when it's ready - you don't need to look for it.