suicidal and terrified

Mental health
1

I feel sick to my stomach. 

I haven't felt actively suicidal for quite a while now but I felt it creeping and then the other night I acted like a total idiot and now I want more than anything to end my life, tonight. 

I've never liked the idea of overdosing because it's too hit and miss but I have an awful lot of pills and I feel very close to taking them. 

The reason I'm posting is because I know this is a bad idea, I know I shouldn't do it! I'm scared, I want to make sure I don't do something stupid but I don't know what to do!

2

Fee, plz plz don't do this, why make a permanent solution to a temporary problem, you can and will get through this.i know its ever so hard to cope. I felt suicidal too, I cried and cried and wanted to just die. But 5 weeks on, and I'm loving life again, so imagine if I did it? I have kids and a husband. I understand how you feel. Plz go for a long long walk tier your self out with walking, talk to god, keep telling your self everything will be ok. I promise you will be fine sweet heart. Are you on any meds?

love and hugs x

3

You can talk to us on here, xx

4

hi Fee, i always feel suicidle, i'm on meds that help me cope with this, ur certainly not alone, an like urself it comes n go's,

overdose not for me, other ideas come n pass, although i mention these to my doctor,

sumtimes the urge is too strong, so i daill 999 request an ambulance, an then speak to psycologist,

hope this helps,

5

Hi fee

firstly sit yourself down and breath nice and slowly. .imagine your are inflating a balloon in your tummy with every breath you breath in. Try and rationalise in your head what is making you feel suicidal and what positive steps you can now make to remove those thoughts and feelings. I am very glad you posted here and i totally agree harming yourself in any way is a bad and irreversible idea.

Do you know why you are feeling extra low today?

Are you taking any medications correctly?

Please let me know whats going on for you today so we can try and help you here xxxx

6

Hi fee

firstly sit yourself down and breath nice and slowly. .imagine your are inflating a balloon in your tummy with every breath you breath in. Try and rationalise in your head what is making you feel suicidal and what positive steps you can now make to remove those thoughts and feelings. I am very glad you posted here and i totally agree harming yourself in any way is a bad and irreversible idea.

Do you know why you are feeling extra low today?

Are you taking any medications correctly?

Please let me know whats going on for you today so we can try and help you here xxxx

7

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate it. 

I am on meds, Propanolol and Sertraline. My pharmacist gave me months and months worth of meds and with what I already have I just thought, maybe I could end it all now before it gets worse. 

I have been having a bad time lately but it's been sort of steady, there was nothing rocking the boat but now everything is falling apart - I just can't seem to do anything right. I'm always making the worst possible decisions. 

I don't want to end my life, I really don't. I feel like a scared little child trapped inside my own body!! I just feel like I need to. 

It's hard battling with these thoughts I don't know what to do

8

Have you a local CRISIS Home Treatment number that you have been given - you can ring though i know personally that is hard to do if you are not able to speak easily on a phone ( i cannot so it takes me hours to get the courage to phone them ) , is your local A&E nearby as that is also an option in getting help straight away - ask to speak to whoever is on duty , see your Doctor ASAP and explain how you are feeling , that you are not coping - maybe a change in dosage of medication you are on , i know from personal experience that taking a large amount of tablets doesn't always work depending on what the tablets are - they are more then likely make you sick or do lasting damage to your organs . You could if you are able to text Samaritans - they usually get back quite quickly - 07725909090 ( i have them in my mobile "phone book" , i would suggest going for a walk listening to a MP3 player ( they are great to ease anxities ) but night time may not be an option . We all have what i call Meltdown's - it is part of depression ( i had one last Monday where for a while i could not stop crying , wanted out - i told a friend on facebook but i felt too embarassed to tell the gentleman from my local cmht who is my Care Coordinator on his visit to my home ) , remember that many of us understand how you are feeling , are you able to get a friend , family member to come round and sit with you for a while , maybe go to a cinema or watch a dvd at home - a good comedy . please take care , sorry i cannot be more helpful - the one thing that is preventing me from doing something major is that Christmas is nearly here and i have to be okay for that , after i am not bothered hence why my CC is seeing about getting me in to a Recovery House that is run by Rethink Mental illness and funded by my local NHS - he is aware that i shall be at danger point and would prefer me to go to the House rather then a ward which he says i will not like as it will be chaos , thinking of you xx

9

Aw Maria thank you for your post <3

I think maybe I do need to up my dose again but, I always feel so awkward bringing these things up! And yes I am very similar to you when it comes to phonecalls, they send my anxiety through the roof!! 

I would never usually decide to overdose as like you said, it usually damages you internally but doesn't finish the job. It's just the fact that it is the most accessible method at the moment I suppose! 

Everyone I know is away or busy, but I'm not very good at confiding in people in my every day life. 

Aw, your CC sounds as though he is taking good care of you. I just hate depression so much xxx

10

Hi fee

Maria has given excellent advice. It's so important you make the call and get the help you need.

Dont leave yourself feeling scared and vulnerable. There is help out there for you. ...Please take it.

Lorraine x

11

Hey fee25!!

it's me, Simon. Hang in there buddy. We've been going through this at the same time together, don't give up now my friend!! Talk to me, it helps.

12

Hello fee,

you can get through this awful time one distraction idea at a time,  you need to occupy your self with something constructive,  some thing that makes you active. You may not feel like leaving your computer just now,  looking for answers, watching for replies on here,  you can play card games,  how about 'Patience', have you ever tried that on your comp?   Is sounds so simple, it is simple but the little act of moving cards around helps your mind,   put the sound on as well so that you hear the snap of the cards,  you will get fed up of it,  it's frustratating when you keep losing - and you can't cheat with Patience on line,  but you are doing something that distracts your mind and does not need a lot of concentration to get right.   I play it often when I get so low and my thoughts turn to dispair,  it just breaks the line of thought until you are able to move on to doing something else.  tidy your drawers out in the bedroom,  go through what you have worn and what you havn't,  make a pile of what you havn't worn for a long time,  wash them and iron them to give to a charity shop.  Just keep doing and doing and doing,  your mind will have to follow your hands,  don't just sit thinking fee,  be as busy and as driven as you can be until you tire yourself out.  

One hour, two hours will pass,  your thoughts will be different thoughts because you can't stop thinking but you can distract your mind with your body and physically doing things.   Please give it a try fee,  do you have 'glory hole'  ... a cupboard that everything and anything goes in?  \clear it out.  

You are scared and don't know what to do ...................   with your mind and your thoughts - thoughts that scaring you and they hurt,  do some thing active fee,  get your self busy with a simple but time consuming activity,  don't stop unless you think of another drawer or cupboard that also needs sorting out.  Try fee,  just give it a try.   

You are going to get past this,  it will be tomorrow  _  which never comes anyway very soon and goodness knows what a new day will bring,  maybe a bag of clothes that you will need to take out to a shop,  the walk will help, you will meet people and chat with them,  just keep doing and going and not stopping to think.

Keep in touch on here and tell us about what physical things you are busy with.  

Big hug fee,  you are going to feel better really you are,  will get through this.

love to you fee

Jessie xx

13

That is okay , i was diagnosed with a illness in July ( physical health problem that is still ongoing - further appointments ) and i desperately needed to see the Social Worker i was seeing at the time ( my local CMHT ) but communication breakdowns ( partly my fault because of my difficulties in using the phone to ring the centre to speak to the SW and partly his as he was new to the team - looking back now i don't blame him) i ended up taking a OD of paracetamol in August as i couldn't cope with the lack of help , the shock of the illness , i ended up in hospital - the gentleman i have now - Care Coordinator is also a team leader at the locl cmht called ambulance , the taking of the paracetamol effected my physical illness and i had to stay in hospital for a couple of days to get rid of the paracetamol and for the medication i take for the physical illness to be abe to be reintroduce . This gentleman does home visits so i don't have to go to the centre , apart from the other week where he gave me a lift to the centre to see the new psychiatrist and sat with me in the appointment as i don't handle changes , new people . My trust , feel at ease went when i had the SW not feeling that he could help me and i had liked him . My CC will come out and take away tablets when i have suicidal thoughts , he is very good , took me a little while before i could even look him in his face but he was patient , still is , maybe because he used to be a CBT therapist , he also arranged for a support worker to come to my home once a week to do crafts as i had lost interest in doing them. I know what you mean about confiding in people around you but you will find many will understand what you are going through , they may even be going through it themselves , depression , anxiety is a common illness among woman and men , more so in this tough world of today . Try and get back to see your doctor before the surgeries are closed for long Christmas Weekends and tell them you are not coping , if your doctor is good then they whould listen to you as we are the experts on our bodies , mind and we know if something is not right , sorry i cannot be of anymore help , i think i mentioned before about Colouring in Colouring Books for grown ups - they are a great help to me as i can really get into a picture using gel pens - glitter ones are my favourite and i feel good when i have the finish picture and it is sparkly , please take care , thinking of you xx

14

Very good advice and i agree with it , i play FreeCell on my old laptop - really can get engrossed in it   :-) 

15

Jessie has given the best advice. That's what I did, its hard to get started but once you do, it does help. A lot of walking really helped me, I mean I walked for hours, then get in the bath and , practice breathing. I also used to watch only fools and horses every single day, over and over again, because I couldn't concentrate on tv , I new the storey line and it was easier to watch.

We have all been where you are now, and you will be where we are now, if not better.

You WILL be ok, I promise you x

16

Hello maria,

not come across 'FreeCell'  ,   I am not very good with these modern games,  I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing !   I do though play the patience,  it is my 'turn-to'  when times are tough.   Drive myself daft with the cupboards and I can Never ... Never find things !   I move things around with my clearing outs and forget what I put where.

Can't win at this game of life but you gotta keep going on and getting through the days best way you can.

Christmas is almost here,  times can be tough round about then.   I do hope you are well as you can be and you have a good one,  TV will be rubbish no doubt about that !  .....   one year,  not that long back,  Sharpe was on from  first thing till last,   ohhh I did enjoy the TV that day.......  Sean Bean at his best ...  well,  just my opinion  lol !

Thanks maria

Warmest regards

Jessie x

17

Freecell is similar to Patience / Solitaire , easy to do , this laptop that my parents brought me has games far to extreme for my liking , so i often go back to my older one - games are more enjoyable - easy to get into , because i have to rest alot i stocked up on cheap entertainment - joblots of Dvds from Ebay at very cheap prices so have a good collection to enjoy over the coming weeks - all sorts from cheerful children's films to scary ones . Don't see much of Sean Bean these days but he was a fine looking actor though my era is more 70's , take care , keep safe xxx

18

I am 47 years old I've been through a lot of my life. Your twenties is very hard time and a lot of emotions and pressure in your life. I know I was at the point of thinking about killing myself so I went skydiving and it put everything in perspective just facing death. A lot of people including my best friend changed his mind after he took a lot of pills and he wanted to live. 911 was on the way after he called, he told the operator what he had done and how much he wanted to live. He died.. it ripped his family apart. It did so much damage to his family and his father never recovered...and I have thought of him eve day for the last 20 years.. Something I've found out in my 20"s Your life can change in one day for the best. Depression is a chemical imbalance.. you have taken the first step asking for help.. please see a psychiatrist or therapist and tell them what's going on in your life. Life can change on a dime and one day it will all change for the better. It changed for me within a short period of time. If you do feel that close to ending it please go skydiving for bungee jumping. I recommend skydiving resolve the problems in your life after jumping will seem much smaller. Good luck. I wish I can leave my phone number on here for you? If its not against the rules please make another post and I will leave you my phone number. There's a lot of people that really do care, more than you ever think. You will find later in life or even tomorrow. Life can be very sweet ... thank you for posting. Chris price

19

I am 47 years old I've been through a lot of my life. Your twenties is very hard time and a lot of emotions and pressure in your life. I know I was at the point of thinking about killing myself so I went skydiving and it put everything in perspective just facing death. A lot of people including my best friend changed his mind after he took a lot of pills and he wanted to live. 911 was on the way after he called, he told the operator what he had done and how much he wanted to live. He died.. it ripped his family apart. It did so much damage to his family and his father never recovered... I have thought of him eve day for the last 27 years.. Something I've found out in my 20"s Your life can change in one day for the best. Depression is a chemical imbalance.. you have taken the first step asking for help.. please see a psychiatrist or therapist and tell them what's going on in your life. Life can change on a dime and one day it will all change for the better. It changed for me within a short period of time. If you do feel that close to ending it please go skydiving for bungee jumping. I recommend skydiving because the problems in your life after jumping will seem much smaller. Good luck. I wish I can leave my phone number on here for you? If its not against the rules please make another post and I will leave you my phone number. There's a lot of people that really do care, more than you ever think. You will find later in life or even tomorrow. Life can be very sweet ... thank you for posting. Chris price

20

That's an excellent reply. And an eye opener indeed.