Suicide through long term drug overdose

Mental health
1

Hi, I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple of years ago and prescribed antidepressants which I have taken sporadically - but now taking them as directed. I also had an eating disorder which everyone thinks is under control as I have gained weight, but really I am losing it slowly so no one notices, it makes it easier with the long term plan.

I have decided that after being called stupid by my husband after taking an overdose of paracetamol that the only way to get out of this never ending painful existence is to take a long term overdose. I started about 6 months ago taking about 20 a day in 4 doses of 5, and have gradually increased it to 4 lots of 10, I am still here obviously but just want to die.

My husband doesnt listen - especially if there is sport on tv, my kids are teenagers - so they are instinctively selfish. I have no family or friends. I know what the end will be like as my father died of liver diease, but I see no other way out.

No one sees the agony I go through as I have learnt to wear a mask, but I cant carry on like this much longer, I need it to end soon.

I suppose I am writing this to see if anyone can give me a guide as to how much longer I will have to carry on with this, do I need to increase the dose again or will I have done enough damage so that it is too late anyway........

2

Hi Mick68, am sorry u feeling this way as 2 your que at the end of your post no don't increase your dose i' m guessing u have already done damage how much i don't know but its not the way there r people 2 help u. U said u have taken an overdose in the past, was u not offered any profesional help or support?. Can u not go 2 your GP and tell them how bad u r feeling and u r having suicidal thoughts?.( Some antidepressants can cause these thoughts after long term use). I know its not easy and believe me i know how u feeling more than i care 2 admit.U r not stupid sometimes its hard 2 c any other way out. Take care and good luck.x

3

Surely packing a bag, walking off and creating a new life for yourself is better than snuffing yourself out in this rather horrible way? neutral

4

Hi Mick68,

We would strongly urge you to see your GP or contact the Samaritans www.samaritans.org/

5

I made the decision months ago, I can not see any other way out - I have no family or friends to go to and my family really dont understand. I have no money - I was made redundant a few years ago and have no source of income. It is best for everyone as I am just a millstone round my husbands neck, it is hard too make ends meet as it is, it will be easier without me around, being miserable and wasting money.

I have been in contact with the Samaritans for the last couple of weeks and they have asked me questions, to make me think and change my mind but really I am just more adamant and now starting my goodbye letters etc.

I dont want to see my GP as he will just refer me and give me that look - I have known him for over 10 years and dont want to be persuaded, I am hoping I have done enough damage now anyway.

6

hiya mick,

youve got to stop this IMMEDIATELY and get proper professional help, sod what your husband thinks, change your situation, if that means leaving home and starting again, well so be it.

im sorry but ive never heard of a more hit and miss way of going about killing yourself as this, your more likely to collapse with liver failure than die from what your doing, ok you could end up needing a liver transplant 8) which by the way would DEPRIVE a needy deserving person needing a new liver from getting one and having a new life, c'mon think about it, thats not right is it rolleyes

it strikes me its talking therapy (CBT) you need, have you been offered any ??

keep posting,

Ken~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7

I know it is hit and miss, but I really cant see any other way out. I wouldnt actually agree to a liver transplant as I am not that selfish. I have not been offered any cbt, but was treated for an eating disorder which everyone else thinks is under control, but I know I am loosing weight again, but am not doing it in such an obvious way this time so it wont be so noticeable

8

Mick,

I've never been on these forums before and I've just happened to read yours and it broke my heart. You are worth so much more than ending things in this way. You say you don't have a family or friends but you do - you have a husband and two kids who I'm sure love you very much and would do anything to make you feel better. Im only young and have only just grown out of being a teenager but if my mum felt the tinest but like you do then id want to know. I was on antidepressants for a while a few years ago and I would never ever wish depression on anyone- people cant see it as they can a broken leg so they can't understand unless they have experienced it themselves. Therefore I think you need to seek help through somewhere where you can find people who are experiencing something similar to you. But not before seeing a doctor. You need to be really brave and be honest with your doctor about everything and accept his help and the help of your family. You need to sort out your medication and probably get some help off a councillor or someone who has experience in this sort of illness. Don't just give up and take the "easy option", try. If not for yourself, try for your family, try because you have nothing to lose. You say you have no friends but friends can be easily made, everything can be turned around but not until you get help and you feel some self worth because from what you've said I don't think you feel like you're worth anything.

Don't give up, depression is a terrible terrible illness and its not your fault you feel this way.

9

Just when I actually thought about seeking help and was starting to think maybe there was a way of sorting myself out, my kids start arguing - I was only out of the room for 5 minutes, so now I am stuck in the lounge being a referee - no they arent toddlers, one is a selfish teenager going off to uni soon, and the other is a couple of years younger. They spend most of their time doing this and it is really upsetting for me, but they just think I am over reacting, between them and a husband who very rarely shows he cares, I have had enough

10

They're supposed to argue though, I'd be worried if they weren't at their age! Just ignore them if it's over silly things or laugh at them, that's what my dad does to me and it always makes me laugh and forget my reason for being in a mood! Plus it'll get better when the one goes to uni- she'll get more mature and they won't be around each other as much I'm guessing. Of course there's a way, you deserve to try and put an end to all your negative thoughts and outlook. Start by seeing the doctor, find out what he can do in the way of medication and referring you to a specialist. That's step 1. But you have to stick with it all, make yourself a promise right now that even though no miracle is going to happen overnight, you'll accept everyones help and start making small changes. It's just about taking baby steps in the right direction. My sister was very ill a few years ago with depression and she let me and the rest of the family help and saw the doctor and started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. "you time" is important as well, if you like travelling or reading or exercise or watching movies or having baths - whatever! You have to do things you enjoy. You're stronger than this illness, don't forget that. Now go book that doctors appointment! smile

11

I know they are supposed to argue - I did with my brother, but not to the extent these two do. As soon as they are both together there is trouble, they shout and scream at each other. What makes it worse is the older of the 2 went through an episode of depression 2 years ago and took an overdose due to a stupid arguement which she lost. She is selfish and must be the centre of attention, I know this sounds really really awful but I cant wait for her to go to university, so that she learns she isnt always right, cant get her own way all the time and learns to be a lot more tolerant of everyone else. I do love her but it doesnt mean to say I always like her.

I am going to the gp in just over a week as I have a bad rash which is covering most of my body and very itchy, so he wants to see me again, depending on how I feel I may talk to him, but first thing on a monday morning is not good.

Thanks for your support

12

Hi Mick68

I am so pleased that you have decided to write a post on here, so that you can see that people do care about you. I think maybe even a bit of you, somewhere amongst your desperation and depression also cares too. And that’s the bit that hopefully you can try to get support for, so that it grows and you realise that you are worth being alive.

Obviously nobody here does know your home life, but it sounds quite stressful right now. When you are feeling especially low, then the people closest to you become the people that you want to reject. Perhaps it’s a way of you trying to make it ok in your head that they would be better off without you. They really wouldn’t.

I think it’s brilliant that you have decided to speak to your GP. Please let us know how that goes for you. I think it’s a really brave step. Once you have been given some real medical advice, then I feel that it will be time for you to have some you time. What sorts of things did you used to love and enjoy. Can you plan anything to try and bring them back into your life? Have you thought about volunteering somewhere? I am a volunteer at a helpline and it can really help to support other people, whilst gaining new skills and confidence.

Please stay in touch, try to be honest with those that can help and definitively try to stop taking those pills.

13

Hi Caringsharing,

One of my main issues is that I really dont understand why anyone, especially a stranger should care, I dont understand feelings well anyway, having learnt to hide mine I find it strange that others can be so kind and concerned especially when my own family do not show they care (whether inwardly they do or not).

I am totally convinced my family would be better off without me - my husband works hard, all I do is spend his money, I have applied for jobs but got nowhere. He is clever and good at interviews, I fall apart and find it very hard to talk to people, I am no good at giving advice to my children as I cant remember my childhood to any great extent. I hate doing housework, but have started clearing out, so that there isnt a load of my junk around after I have gone.

I used to enjoy going down the gym, but had to stop as we couldnt afford it, I do go walking but my area isnt very nice so dont feel comfortable or safe in some places..........

The pills are a way of keeping control when my feelings start to show, just like self harming - I blame the cuts on the cat - he is young and playful with fairly sharp claws, he is the only one who shows me love, but I think that is more because I feed him and am around all day.

I feel like a housekeeper, but rubbish at that, so no they wont miss me, they wont notice much difference.

I have just over a week to decide about whether I talk to my gp or not, so plenty of time to think, until then the pills will continue - I buy them in bulk from a wholesaler and hide them in the house.

14

I think when you feel so rubbish about yourself it is hard to see why anyone, would care, right now you are feeling so unworthy I guess anything anyone says to you that is positive, is not going to sink in. You say you've learnt to hide your feelings, and I wonder what it would be like for you to try and trust someone to open up about them.

You are going to feel like everyone is better off without you because as I said right now you are disbelieving anything positive. But you can get past that, if YOU are willing to try. You sound like you really need a confidence boost but you are the only one that can allow this to happen. I wonder why you came on here - it seems like you were looking for a friendly and supportive voice as you're not feeling that at home.

It must feel upsetting to have no memory of your own childhood, I think loads of parents whether they had a great upbringing themselves or not feel that they don't do things right for their own kids and definitely find their teens annoying and selfish!

So you can remember a time when you did like doing things and some of that involved the gym. If you cant afford a monthly membership anymore can you go to a weekly class?! I heard zumba is good. Is there anywhere that during the day you can get a bus or drive to - like a nice country park - and then stick some headphones in and walk about?

So you feel that you have lost control and you need to regain it? But you aren't control over those pills. You are the one in charge of taking them, but you aren't in control of whatever they are doing to your insides. And perhaps it would be better to try and start to open up to someone about what started the loss of control. Would you ask your GP about counselling, have you thought about contacting Mind? 

Can you think of when times were happier and what was it like for you then? How about my idea of volunteering? You said that you used to work, where abouts - maybe some of those skills can be used elsewhere.

I know I am a stranger but believe me you are worth being alive. 

15

you are worth and deserve to be alive. I'm not one for hugging but wish I could come and give you a big one because I and everyone here care about you. Is it possible to see a different GP? Please try and consider your options for help and support

Take care

16

well where do I start - I live next to a country park, which is used by kids with stolen mopeds and drug addicts amongst others so I am not very comfortable going in there - in fact no one feels comfortable going in there! Also it is situated next to a graveyard/crem which only brings up feelings I would much rather forget.

when I say I cant afford the gym I really mean we are totally skint, I do lots of walking more because we cant afford to fill the car up with petrol than because I enjoy it. I cant get benefits and the mortgage and bills just about get covered by hubbys salary, I would feel even more guilty if I used our money on the gym. My husband also walks to work now to save the money on travelling. I am a volunteer for a local charity, I am the treasurer but am going to give it up as I cant keep up with the paperwork and I am letting them down now too.

In my head taking the pills kills the mental pain I feel not the physical, it isnt easy to explain but in my head it is clear - what I need to do and how.

I know that the world would be a better place without me - after all it is over populated and if I was a dog in this amount of pain I would have been put down by now, sorry I know you are all trying to help and support but I really cant see why

17

BECAUSE WE CARE smile If you went to A&E they would get a psych team to talk to you and hopefully proper support would start for you. Guilt , self hate, low self esteem are all symptoms of depression . With the right help you would look differently at things.

How long have you been taking anti depressants on a regular prescribed dose? They take a while to kick in and if not having a proper affect you should get a review.

Please take care

PS This is an extremely good and supportive forum-

www.mentalhealthforum.net/

18

hiya mick,

sorry for sounding so brutal and being late in getting back to you, but, you say your not that selfish and that you would refuse a liver transplant, well im afraid that you wouldn't be able to refuse if you were sectioned, to be sectioned you need to be a threat to yourself or others, clearly you are a threat to yourself sad

you say you are having treatment for "a bad rash which is covering most of my body and very itchy" obviously you haven't told your GP about the massive amounts of paracetamol your taking have you ?? so whats the point in seeing your GP about it, for goodness sake its the pills that are causing the rash mick, plain and simple, your GPs not psychic is he/she ? rolleyes

heres an official list of SERIOUS side effects :-

"Hypersensitivity reaction (rashes and shortness of breath).

Blood disorders resulting in readiness to bruise or bleed (e.g. thrombocytopenia) or low numbers of white blood cells (leucopenia).

If any of these persist or you consider them severe then inform your doctor or pharmacist.

Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects.

A serious allergic reaction to this drug is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction include: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), dizziness, trouble breathing.

This is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor or pharmacist.

In the UK you may report side-effects to the MHRA"

one way or another you've got to talk to somebody about the situation, but in the meantime try and stop the pills eh, cant you see that they are making you feel worse NOT better 8)

as regards buying in bulk, where from, the internet ?? if so it could be any old crap your pumping into yourself, just please stop it now, whatever you pay for the pills, stop and spend the money on the gymn or whatever cheesygrin cheesygrin

again im sorry if im upsetting you but these things need to be said, your family would be devastated, there lives would be mega affected by your death, whether you believe that or not doesn't alter the fact im afraid.

keep posting mick, well get through this wink

cheers,

Ken~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

19

Mollysox, I still dont understand why strangers care and yet my family cant see what is straight in front of them. they see I have been crying but never seem concerned. I have been taking the prescribed dose for 6 months and was on a high dose of prozac but it made me almost brain dead so I was changed onto sertralin at a lower dose. thanks for replying to my discussion

20

Ken,

Please dont worry about being brutal, I was brought up by my grandmother who was never backward in coming forward, sore subject which I am not going to go any deeper into.

I get the tablets from Costco, so I doubt there is any crap in them, but who knows what goes into half the stuff we use. They cost just under £4 for enough for about 3 weeks, my local council run gym costs over £4 for one session........

The rash is actually getting better even though I am taking the same dose, I wasnt given anything by my gp so it is getting better on its own. I went because my husband made the appointment for me, he was fed up with me scratching and was worried I was infectious........... and it might affect him or the kids.

As far as my family being devastated, not so sure, they would only be upset because I wouldnt be there to do their washing etc or they wouldnt be able to blame me for whatever they have an issue with, my husband would just have one less person to ignore and also he would have to waste less of his money on food, which is probably why I dont eat much either.

It is nice to get others opinions, although I only started posting as I wanted to know how long I had left, every day is just torture, yesterday was really bad, and today isnt too much better.