terrible and very low self-esteem

Mental health
1

Hi everyone,

I am a 22 year old male and usually I am pretty content with my appearance and before I say anything just know I am the least vain person. For years now, after seeing a photo of me side on, of the right side of my face, I've always been very self concious of it, to the extent where I feel incredibly uncomfortable when someone is on my right hand side and go out my way to avoid it, like sitting in the lecture theatre so that people are all on my left hand side. I am happy with the front of my face and the left hand side, and others seem to like it to mostly, my ex's and the past girls I've seen have all been hot which I'm thankful for, but I never even let them or my family be on the right hand side of myself and if they are, i will try and cover it up somehow, most people don't notice.

I am wondering if it really is as hideous as I think it is or if it's anxiety making me feel this way, as I am perfectly happy with the left hand side and front of my face! The past few days all I have done is spend time taking photos, videos and looking in the mirror at the right hand side of my face, but it's not getting any better, it's getting worse/uglier if anything!

Sorry that was poorly worded, but I am panicking about it and it is making me feel extremely low!

The select few people I've told about it have said just love yourself for you, but I cannot look at it that, I feel extremely judged by it!

Thank you for taking the time to read this, if anyone has any advice that would be amazing!

2

Hi Charlie,

Only 10-20% of attraction is looks, everything else is subconcious and non-verbal, so dont worry about your appearance, your probably better looking than most people which is a bonus but it really doesn't matter in terms of attraction, unless you have health issues then looks dont matter.

You're looking at the glass half empty, imagine your walking down the street and you walk past 2 beautifu ladies, as you walk past they start laughing. Someone wtih low self esteem will think they are laughing at them because they are ugly or find them funny, but someone who is confident will instantly think they are well interested in him/her.

There's no evidence either way, nobody can be sure, but its all about how you perceieve it.

Looks are a really funny thing, everybody thinks that they are the most important thing but they are actually the least important, and please dont worry about confidence.

Nobody needs confidence, what you need is competence. When you jump out of an airplace do you really want confidence? Confidence isnt going to make that cord pull out the parachute, only competence, and experience from your instructor or yourself is going to make sure everything works. Its like jumping in a pool, every day you can have the confidence to jump into a freezing cold pool but no matter what happens, each day you arrive at the pool and its still as cold and as daunting when you first jump in, but only when you jump in a few times are you prepared and ready for it, competence. Confidence play's no part in our success, its a myth, just like looks. Like I said they are important about 10-20%, so they do help, im not saying good looking people dont get places because of their looks but they also offer other things like competence, good looking people are around good looking women a lot, they become competent in those situations, they learn how to talk, act, dress (style is very important) and they have the correct tone, non-verbal communication etc. Anyone with any looks can tap into the other 80% and come across more attractive than someone with lots of good looks.

Take care of yourself of course, but dont think physical looks are a priority, they are a bonus at the most.

3

And what would happen if you people would have seen right hand side?!

Must you care about what other people are seeing?! Don't care much as most people don't give a damn about that.

4

Sorry should just explain confidence plays no part in our success, it does but competence is much more powerful.

Id rather have someone who tries something 5 times with no confidence than someone who tries it once with lots of confidence. But cause the low self esteem person will eventually become more competent and ready.

5

Which one do you prefer? To get rid of this obsession and live a life with non-occupied and free mind or having anxity all the time and be unhappy? 

6

Hi Gary, first of all let me say thank you very much for your reply and taking the time to write all of that out, I really appreciate it!

I think the reason why I prioritise looks for myself so much is because I don't want to feel judged if someone were not to find me attractive! But I had no idea that looks only accounted for 10-20% of attractiveness so that does definately put my mind at ease!

I guess I am around attractive girls quite a lot but I just think if they were to see the right side of me, they'd be instantly put off!

But I'm going to follow your advice and de - prioritise my appearance and work more on competence!

Again, thank you so much!

7

Hi ilyar,

Thanks very much for taking the time to read my situation and replying to me! I'd absolutely love to get rid of this obsession with trying to have the perfect looks but it's become so hard not to if you know what I mean?

And I feel like if people were to see my right hand side they instantly be unattracted to me despite maybe attracted to the left side and/or front of my face! And feel very judged also!

But again, thanks so much for your reply!

8

Hi Charlie,

Yep dont worry about looks, especially things like that, there's nothing wrong with caring about your hair, grooming, smell etc. thats very important but that comes under style, not looks. Looks are physcial features that we cannot change, but they only contribute slightly to attractiveness.

- competence

- style

- body language/posture

- tone

- shoes

- humor

- strong minded/not easily put off or challenged

- good values

- good vision for life

looks were important 100000 years ago when women needed protectors and providers and good dna for their children, now most women dont want children until into their 30's, society has changed, looks are no longer as important, social status obtained by having the above list is what = attractiveness now.

 

9

Hi Gary,

When you break it down like that it really does show how many other factors count towards it! I like to think I have a few or most of those traits but when I'm feeling bad about my looks my personality reflects it by being quiet or reserved. I'm 100% going to take your advice and try and care less about that aspect but may try and see a therapist to change my thinking that way!

Thanks again mate!