The diary of a Citalopram user

Treatment and medication
1

Hi there, from reading through the various pages posted on here i felt it might be useful for future citalopram users to have a day by day diary from someone taking them.

to start with, a brief background of me and my condition:

i'm 26, have depression and i've had it since i was a young teenager. it's never really gone away but i get highs and lows ranging fom feeling passable to suicidal, to the point where i have tried to take my own life several times. when i was 17 i waas put on peroxetine which really didn't work well for me so i stopped taking it and have just 'coped' since.

recently i have been very low. usually i feel lackluster, emotionless and numb but during the last few months all ive wanted to do is lock myself in a room, turn off my phone and cry. it's even got to the point where i can't go to work or to the shops because i might have to speak to somebody.

i thought to myself, 'this is insane and has to stop' so i plucked up my courage and took myself to my GP. this was really tough for me as i've spent so many years smiling in all the right places and telling everyone i'm fine that i really had no idea how to tell the truth about how i was feeling. fortunately Dr Gibson (a GP at my practice who i had never even heard of til today) was increadibly kind and understanding and i was able to open up to her completely.

we spent a long time discussing the different options and decidided that as my depression isn't trigered by any environmental factors it's probably a brain thing so drugs are the best option. she prescribed 20mg citalopram and here is my day by day diary of how theey are affecting me.

i hope people find this useful.

Day 1:-

(ok, so not really day 1, more like hour 2 on the 1st day)

i feel a little bit giddy and flaoty. all my muscles feel a little bit tenser and i find myself clenching my jaw a bit. also my scalp tingles a little bit but no nausea, no head-aches, no stomach cramps.

the easiest way i can describe my reactions to the pills right now is it's like taking a very mild ecstasy tablet but without the euphoria or the loving everything.

will post Day 2 tomorrow and let you all know if anything's changed.

hope you all feel better soon guys, Emma

2

hey peeps, cheers for the encouragement, glad to here both of you are doing well :P

Day 2:-

my muscles still feel tense and my hands are stupidly fidgety. i also still feel very spaced and my memory and vocabulary both seem shot to pieces.

the main change ive found tho is the appetite. before yesterday i wasn't eating properly because i just couldn't be bothered to get up and cook, it all seemed like too much effort and not worth it, now i'm just not hungry. in fact, more than that, i feel full all the time. last night i thought to myself 'i'm gonna treat myself for doing good and getting fixed' so i ordered a takeaway pizza, my favourite meat feast with all the trimmings and was really looking forward to it. i wasn't hungry but hadn't eaten all day so figured that'd kick in when it arrived. unfortunately when it did arrive i took two bites then actually had to force myself to finish the slice. after that i couldn't eat any more and ended up getting really sad and crying cos i'd wasted nearl a whole pizza that i was really looking forward to which seems stupid now but hey, that's why i'm on the tablets in the first place.

i've decided that the best way to combat this is to eat little and often and to try and trick my stomach so i've been to the shop (also big step, a few days ago i wouldn't have bothered) and bought a fridge full of food that can be cooked a bit at a time and a whole vat of covent garden soups and innocent smoothies. the theory behind this is that from the incredibly dry mouth i've discovered that my body doesn't object to vast quantities of liquid being put in it so therefore, soup and smoothies = liquid with nutrition and vitamins, will let you all know tomorrow how i get on.

yet again, keep up the good work :lol:

Emma

3

hi all, again thanks for the encouragement and advice, i have taken Ken's advice and bought a stack of multi-vitamins smile

Day 3:-

woke up this morning in an absolutely foul mood, every tiny thing has been winding me up to the point where i want to scream and break things. i don't know if it's the pills or just because i feel so tired but it's passed now and left a gaping hollow feeling.

the food trick seems to be working, i can see a lot of soup in my life in teh immediate future, even so though, i don't enjoy it, it tastes of nothing and i have to eat tiny bits at a time, very, very slowly.

i still feel spaced and now have a bit of nausea thrown into the mix but the fidgety hands thing seems to have calmed down quite a lot.

my main issue today is the tiredness, soooooooooooooo, sooooooooooooo tired it almost hurts.

i'm meant to be joining some friends tonight for a pub quiz but i don't think i'm going to make it, i'll see how i feel later but right now i just want to lock myself away and hide under a blanket. i am however fully aware that this really doesn't help so i'm going to try and push myself to go out and socialise but no promises.

will update you all tomorrow

have a good day all, my thoughts are with you

Emma

4

hi kirsty smile

really sorry to hear about your dad, you have all my hugs and kisses with you through that.

i was petrified of being put on tablets for many, many reasons. the main ones are that i had some 9years ago and they were horrific, that it would mean having to finally speak to somebody and admit that i need help, and finally it will be on my medical records forever.

the reason i made the decision to take them is because my life had fallen apart to such an extent that i'm willing to risk horriffic side affects if takes me even a tiny step of the way to feeling 'normal'.

everyone's experiences and reasons for and against taking these tablets are different and the only person that can make the decision on whether to take them or bin them is you. also, the experiences you will have if you do take them will be unique (as far as i can tell from other posts). the only thing i can do is tell you how ive found them.

i can describe my experience so far in one sentance 'i was expecting worse'. everything looks a little skewiff and the appetite thing is pretty annoying but that's about it. i wasn't sleeping properly before and am still not but my GP assured me that that takes longer.

i'm only 3 days into the tablets and they're not a miracle overnight cure so they've not really altered my mood at all yet, i still have highs and lows. what i have noticed is that the lows are a little bit easier to deal with now that i know i'm being pro-active in getting fixed.

this diary/blog has also turned out to be amazingly good therapy, i find myself now thinking of myself almost as some sort of science experiment, anilyzing how i feel rather than dwelling on it. also just the ability to be able to talk about how i feel openly, honestly and cconfidently for the first time in my life is incredibly liberating.

i think my best advice to you is to have a think about how you feel and ask yourself, 'is this worse than some pecculiar side effects or not?' if it's not then go back to your GP and discuss alternative treatment, if the answer is yes then consider the tablets.

i hope this helps, keep in touch and we'll all get through it together

Emma

5

hi kirsty, so glad you made the decision that was right for you, i agree that the leaflet can be VERY scary, they have to legally list ALL possible side affects no matter how rare, even reading the leaflet that comes in a box of paracetamol is scary. that said, if you do experience anything scary then make sure you speak to your doctor. i'm sure you'll be fine though and would love to hear how you're geting on :P

Day 4:-

had a really low day all day yesterday so didn't make it to the quiz and i started panicing about being in a crowded place and having to talk to strangers. also ive hit a bit of a conundrum. ive been signed off work for 2 weeks and my GP says i need to get out and do stuff and have a good time but most of my friends are from work so how will that look, being signed off work but being seen out and about? i spent a lot of yesterday thinking about that and getting a bit stressed out about it.

today though, i woke up and actually feel ok. i don't feel great, i don't want to go dancing in the streets or anything like that, i just feel ok. i got about 5 hours sleep last night (!!!) and didn't wake up with the instant dread of what the day will bring, today i woke up and felt ok, today i can cope. i don't know if this is the tablets, the sleep or just a random up day

but im liking it and hoping that this is what the future has in store for me.

i still have the giddiness, the dry mouth and the appetite thing but i'm getting used to them. the appetite is still the biggest difficulty by far. the little and often approach is definitely the solution, along with vitamnin suplaments, but the difficulty comes in actually remembering to eat. i have a history of anorexia and i know how easy it would be to fall down that hill again with these pills and i'm determined not to let that happen but it is easy just to forget to eat. ive taken to making sure that every time i go in the kitchen i grab something out of the fridge and trying to keep an eye on the time so that i keep eating. it's a really strange situation, the complete opposite of the anorexia but very similar. both consume your day with thinking about food. both completely alter your behaviour towards food. both make you sneaky about food. with the anorexia, it's all about sneakily not eating, now it's about sneaking it in me without my body noticing.

anyway, gonna stop waffling on now and leave you in peace.

keep up he good work and will post again tomorrow to let you know if this ok feeling lasted

Emma

6

hey Claire and twistynix, thanks so much for sharing your experiences, as i'm sure you've gathered i'm totally new to this and have absolutely no idea what to expect so all input is gratefully recieved.

Day 5:-

yesterday was brilliant, stayed feeling ok for the whole day :P yet again, don't know if it's the drugs or not but to be honest i don't care. today started well but now i'm feeling really apprehensive about something but i have no idea what as my plans for today consist of staying home and not talking to anyone. i do have plans for tomorrow though, i'm going to leave the house and go visit my sister for the night so maybe that's it... who knows.

side affects wise, still the same but still getting used to them. finding it easier to eat now and as long as i can get throught the first 2 hours after taking them i'm ok. as mentioned by Claire, i have given a lot of thought as to what time i take them but 10am works best for me, that way i get a bit of morning side affect free, take the tablets then the worst is over by midday.

took another really big step (for me) yesterday. i'm really awful at talking about how i feel, as mentioned in previous post, spent so many years smiling and saying i'm fine that i really have no idea how to open up and be honest about how i feel. ive decided this time's going to be different, if people ask i'm going to tell them the truth but this is still proving really difficult and i can never find the right words to describe it. because of this, and the fact that i've been a bit of a moody git recently with no explanation, i have treated my boyfriend really badly. my 'big step' yesterday (in fact that's not enough, it was an enormous, gigantic, massive step for me and i'm so proud and glad that i had the balls to do it) was to send my boyfriend a link to this diary. i really wasn't sure what his reaction would be as we've never really discussed this kind of stuff. i felt sure that he'd be understanding because he's a lovely guy but to what extent i had no idea. his reply after reading it was 'very brave, very good, i am with you 100%, love you' which put me on a massive high, so Keith, thankyou, sorry i've been a total bitch recently, i'll always be mad but i'll be the fun kind again soon, looking forward to thursday :P

yes peeps, thursday, that means i have an action packed 2 days of being out of the house, 2 days in a row! no wonder i'm aprehensive. i'm also a little excited though which is incredible, i should be a complete wreck right now but i'm not, i'm actually looking forward to leaving my 'safe space'. yet again, don't know if it's the pills or not, still don't care.

ok, gonna sign off now before i start dwelling on things too much and work myself into a panic, time for a bit of desperate housewives therapy (whoever said escapism doesn't work is totally wrong).

thanks again for all the support, info and advice and remember no-one is alone, we're all doing this together.

Emma

7

hey kirsty, i had the clenched muscle thing for a few days but it went pretty quickly and is gone completely now. i'm still 'floaty' but i'm used to it and during random high points it's even oddly amusing (i have no idea why so don't ask).

please keep in touch and let us all know how you're getting on, you've done the hardest part already and now it's just a waiting game. always remember you're never alone, we're all in this together :P

Emma

8

hi peeps, thanks loads for the updates, it's great to hear how you are all finding the tablets and great to hear you're all on the mend :P

Day 6:-

yesterday was a bit tough, had a bit of a low day. one of my really close friends is also on citalopram and going through a really bad patch right now. she's been in and out of the priory for it but has recently been well enough just to be a day patient, going every few days but yesterdasy she was re-admitted. this shouldn't really upset me cos i know it's the best place for her but it does because she's not happy and i don't feel strong enough to visit her.

i'm still feeling low today but i'm going to my sister's tonight which although right now i really don't want to leave the house i know that once i get there i'll cheer up.

i'm also meeting up with some friends tomorrow night so i won't be near a computer to post an update til friday.

sorry about short post, not really in the mood right now, might add to it later maybe. if not then will update you all on friday.

Emma

9

hey guys, i'm so sorry that i haven't posted for so long, i kind of fell into a big hole where i couldn't do anything other than stay in bed and not want to talk to anyone. i feel bad about this because i kinda feel a responsibility to help other people now by posting this blog but i'm so, so, sorry that i just really wasn't up for even reading the replies (that would've obligated me to post something) yet alone reply. i'm sure you all know how it is when you hit a stupidly low time. anyway i will now, if you don't mind, fill you in on the day by day happenings of my life as a citalopram user.

Day 7:-

as suggested in previous post i did actually go out and meet a select few of my friends and at the time i felt wonderful, i even had a few... drinks even tho i know you're not supposed to on these meds, but i nearly totally relaxed with my friends for the 1st time in ages. yes was still feeling the stonedness and trouble eating but at this point it was much easier to eat nearly a full meal, some of the stronger flavours had come back too smile

Day 8:-

Bad Day.

stayed at my boyfrriend's place last night as had had a few... drinks. met him from work with a load of my good friends for a birthday when they all finished work. still getting odd stoned and aversion to food feelings and had to pretty much run past my work place hiding my face but made it there. after 2 drinks (about 8pm) i get a call from my parents screaming at me about why i wasn't home.

this was odd, normally my mum gives me the 'why didn't you tell me you were staying out, do you know how worried i was?' i'm 26 and lived away from home since i was 20, also they know i stay out every friday night and i have a mobile if they need to call me. sorry, that sond whiney

so anyway, i had my mum screaming and also crying down the phone at me cos i agreed months ago to drive her and my dad to the airport for their holiday. now i'm the bad guy cos i couldn't give them a lift at 5am cos i'd been drinking and they only thought to give me the details that i had to leave at 4am to get them there on time at 8pmish the night before, when i'd been holed up in the same house as them for 3weeks b4 hand. i'm the vilain here according to my family and would like your views. i didn't take them to the airport and am now the most selfish person ever to live according to my family.

day 9:-

after going back to my fellas for the night and subjecting him to some of the shit going through my head i took him on a day out that was a tour of all my teenage haunts. he then stayed at mine, putting up with my room which righ now looks like an absolute bombsite, the product of a crazy lady that all she wants to do is hide under the covers.

day 10:-

drove my fella home then basically fell into the same old pattern of being down and a little bit panicy every time the phone rings and especially if the doorbell rings.

getting appetite back a bit tho and a little less fidgety. felt massively depressed about the airport thing and wondering if i was being selfish or not so hid away from the world as best i could.

Day 11 & 12:-

sorry to have to combine them but i have trouble distinguishing between the 2. were both really bad days. all i kept thinking about was how i'd let everyone down and was useless and selfish so basically hid for both these days, although this was the point where i stopped noticing the 'rush' about half an hour after i took the pills, it's much more gradual now. no more bursts of nausea or dizziness. it still happens but it's milder now and a gradual thing.

Day 13:-

went to visit my sister. Bad Day. she took it upon herself to call my GP and hassle her about her methods, then gave me a lecture on what i should be doing to combat this. my sister has never suffered with depression and has absolutely no idea what it's like to feel like you are worthless and your life is spiralling out of your hands so i'm pretty sure that she ha no i

10

[quote:71101b9e4b=\"loki \"]Hi there, from reading through the various pages posted on here i felt it might be useful for future citalopram users to have a day by day diary from someone taking them.

to start with, a brief background of me and my condition:

i'm 26, have depression and i've had it since i was a young teenager. it's never really gone away but i get highs and lows ranging fom feeling passable to suicidal, to the point where i have tried to take my own life several times. when i was 17 i waas put on peroxetine which really didn't work well for me so i stopped taking it and have just 'coped' since.

recently i have been very low. usually i feel lackluster, emotionless and numb but during the last few months all ive wanted to do is lock myself in a room, turn off my phone and cry. it's even got to the point where i can't go to work or to the shops because i might have to speak to somebody.

i thought to myself, 'this is insane and has to stop' so i plucked up my courage and took myself to my GP. this was really tough for me as i've spent so many years smiling in all the right places and telling everyone i'm fine that i really had no idea how to tell the truth about how i was feeling. fortunately Dr xxxxxxx (a GP at my practice who i had never even heard of til today) was increadibly kind and understanding and i was able to open up to her completely.

we spent a long time discussing the different options and decidided that as my depression isn't trigered by any environmental factors it's probably a brain thing so drugs are the best option. she prescribed 20mg citalopram and here is my day by day diary of how theey are affecting me.

i hope people find this useful.

Day 1:-

(ok, so not really day 1, more like hour 2 on the 1st day)

i feel a little bit giddy and flaoty. all my muscles feel a little bit tenser and i find myself clenching my jaw a bit. also my scalp tingles a little bit but no nausea, no head-aches, no stomach cramps.

the easiest way i can describe my reactions to the pills right now is it's like taking a very mild ecstasy tablet but without the euphoria or the loving everything.

will post Day 2 tomorrow and let you all know if anything's changed.

hope you all feel better soon guys, Emma

Loki

I was just wondering how you are doing on Citalopram. Are you still on it and is it working for you. Would love to hear how you are getting on.

I have been on it just over a week and I'm suffering with side effects, increased anxiety and feel sick all the time.

I would love to hear from you.

KK x