Hi everyone, 24 year old and I really just need to vent out somewhere because this is putting an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders, I do this hoping it will help to ease the pain. I think I know where it all started, that day i turned 10 years old so me and my family where out celebating. I went headed to the restrooms all by myself and got myself into a stall, and just as I was about to come out I heard my dad speaking on the phone with someone else, I waited so I could heard what he was talking about and turns out he was talking to another woman whom he cheated on my mother with, waited for him to leave, went through the day a little numb and when we got home I told my mom, they obviously got into a big fight and I spent the rest of my birthday crying, this is the event that set things in motion. My mother eventually got to accept it more out of convenience that true love for my father. This is when i started to craft a mask, I pretended like nothing could get through that mask mind you this is just a metaphorical mas, I'm not good with my hands.
When i was in middle school i was bullied a lot because i was a little overweight at the time, the only thing I could use on my defense was my smarts so I always answered with sarcasm and irony, I know, bad thing to do by the one getting kicked on the ground, but then I got really sick, like a whole month sick, by the time I got better i was the biggest kid on school and you know what? now i was the bully, but not only that, i was adding insult to injury with my sarcasm. I started to date around age 16 and for some reazon i always found girls who cheated on me, couple that with what my father did and i started to get trust issues, silly thing at that age, but as I got older I kept finding myself on the same situation over and over. (I'm not gonna bother you too long with my love life but bare with me) When I was 20 I met a girl through one of my last friends, we dated for about six months and we started to have problems because she hanged out a little to much with her ex, I asked or mutual friend about him and she told me he was horrible to her when they together, that she spent days crying over him, she used to tell me she was helping him out because his dad had recently killed himself and I stupidly allowed it. Whenever i looked at her it hurt so much, I used to think it was because I loved her so much but now I know it was because deep down I knew she was laying, I had really high hopes for both of us but in the end she broke up with me and went back with him. That really broke me, I spent weeks crying by myself, the mask kept it all hidden away from everyone else. I've had a lot of friends but none of them seem interested on anyone else other than themselves, so selfish and egocentric, I always felt so alone when we used to hang out, one by one I stoped talking to them, they kept looking for me but only because they needed something out of me, my interest on making new friends went away, i talk to people but get annoyed so easily, I only have 4 friends that I consider very close and even them aren't completely faultless, they also have done something to hurt me one way or another. This has gotten the best of me, my selfsteem it's like -1, trust issues but I also stoped caring about anything that goes around me, I have zero interest on going out anywhere, I don't want to meet new people. Whenever i wake up i feel like I'm just going through the motions, nothing inspires me put on my mast to pretend everything's alright and at the end of the day my mask is so heavy it has made me so weary that when I take it off I go to sleep so fast that the next day I don't even remember how i got into bed, I still set goals here and there but whenever I achive them it's just a tiny moment, nothing more than a second that i feel something, but then everything gets back to being dark inside even when I worked months hard to get them, but honestly I just do this because I feel like I have to, I've kept this act for so long that I feel this is the only real thing in my life right now, this is the only thing pushing me through the day, if this fragil mask brakes it all has been for nothing because in the end I'm the only one I can trust and if I fail I would've betrayed myself like everyone else has...
Thanks for reading.
