Suddenly for some reason my behavior strikes me as completely ridiculous. So absurd in fact I have absolutely no idea who the woman was that did this. This is my flare to flurry pattern. It's a pretty simple routine. I feel okay because I have been sleeping and taking care of myself and exercising and not freaking out over one life trauma or another. So I fly into a flurry to catch up with the life I am supposed to live. The life of a woman with a clean house and her bills up to date, all the laundry done and calls returned not nearly so late. Unfortunately she said her farewell in 2005 but me, the person sitting here writing this right now, I don't think I noticed! I sure haven't acted like it. Because I have expected me to be her but we are not one and the same. Not anymore.
Didn't matter, because in attempting to meld her, the busy, outgoing type-A, with me, the socially estranged, overly-cautious recluse I have become, that type A fought to the top every time. It's comical, in retrospect. In a sick sort of way. So here I run around in a flurry doing everything I am supposed to, in order for me to be pleased with me. And in doing that, in acting like her, I slide right into flare's home plate. Then I feel like a bug who hit a windshield so I focus on ways to make myself feel better. That sleeping and exercising and managing stress thing again. And low and behold there is a God because it works! Slowly but surely the flare will abate, I'll stop feeling like the bones inside me are going to crack or the fiery swirls of chainsaw are whirling around my back.
So there I sit feeling better. What do I do? I look around and the house is a freakin' mess! The dogs need to be groomed, bills paid and oh but don't forget to have dinner made. Calls need to be returned so people don't just write me off forever. And I really do ask myself what the hell is my problem? Why is my life so out of control? Why is it I don't have a job again? Really, I mean really, why do nearly every morning I sleep until ten? And then she steps in... Before I know it I am racing around trying to get everything done at once, good riddance! I am apologizing for every failed expectation and lost stroke of brilliance. I promise myself this time I am going to do better, not succumb to some pesky little illness. And before I know it, oh I think by now you know where this goes, I've gone and done it again, and let the Fibro wall smack me in the nose.
we grieve for the person we use to be its such a horrible feeling. the only way I can describe my self and how I feel is like an alien is inside my body. Im not the person I use to be Ive changed in so many ways I dont recognise the person Ive become. Its so so hard I dont like the new me, I want the old me back the fighter a strong person caring person. I dont recognise my self any more. the old me has gone for good. easier said than done when your use to rushing a round all the time but we have to learn to pace ourselves or else we pay the price for it. gentle hugs take care
Hi Kaz 40 I felt like that in the early years with fibro i was diagnosed 18 years ago.. but after years of trial and error to find what works for me and finally with support from my partner (Children have flown the nest) i can honestly say for the last 5 years i have some of me back i try to stay positive i feel luckier than some fibro sufferers to be able to have more me time i have always tried to maintain some routine in my day..i am a morning person now i wasnt in the early stages i would stay in bed if i could i had a lot of other underlying problems i also have chron¬s.. i dont take meds for fibro just anti imflammatories for the chrons i take painkillers paracetamol and codeine also movelat relief gel and glucosamine sulphate for food supplement and joints i have cut out trigger foods i found mushrooms and spicy foods is one for me also i eat nice things like choc cakes sweets etc in moderation go swimming and do light excercises to keep the muscles supple and joints from stiffening and i have more good days than bad days.
I hope your not feeling too disheartened about whats ahead and you can find what works for you very soon
Hi Shirl, I feel so lazy - you were up at 10am and here I am for the past 4 hours still trying to find the energy to get out of bed. I was so energetic up until 2 years ago, then last march my body just crashed whilst I was at work and although I'm gradually getting a little better, my arthritis, fibro and CFS are so severe, I find it difficult to function some days as I'm spending a lot of time with my sister in law who has brain and spinal cord tumours and it's upsetting me so much. I am a little stronger day by day but watching the pain and depression my brother and their 3 daughters are suffering is really difficult x
you musnt be so hard on yourself you cant help how you are hun. non of us asked for this fibro Ive got arthritus me diabetes other conditions I have spent 6 months at a time in bed not being able to get up and having to have carers in which I hated with a passion as ive always been independant. watching my husband struggles at times is heart breaking you feel so quilty. but we asked for none of this.my heart goes out your sister in law thats so hard for you to see her and see what your brother and their 3 daughters are going through.life is so s... at times. gentle hugs take care x
Yes Kaz, isn't it just! I was so energetic and always dancing around the house, having friends over all the time working, raising my family, looking after my sister in law as she got her illness when she was just 29 and one of my nieces was just 1 year old. My sis in law is now under palliative care as she has just phoned me up and asked me to go to Majorca with her lol! She can't even walk now bless her - she's now angry with me as I wonder take her. She forgets I am unwell and forgets she is too. She makes me laugh though. She said she will ask her daughter to go with her. She is not allowed to fly and is on lots of meds and falls over when she tries to walk but loves to joke and laugh all the time.
Hi Gizmo so sorry to hear about your sister in law I empathise with you it's difficult being around someone else with health problems when you don't feel well yourself...I was a carer for my mum 15 years ago she had cancer osteo arthritis and emphacaemia looking back I think now it probably helped me with my health problems by focusing on how I could best support her there were days I couldn't be with her and I would just phone i felt so guilty at the time although I did go with her to the haematology clinic for her blood transfusions mum said I didn't need to go but I wanted to go so as it was all day there she would insist on buying me a magazine and chocolate bar bless her it made her feel better and I felt like a little girl again..lovely memories.my mum passed away 13 years ago. I'm sure by just being there when you can to be supportive of your sister in law and brother when possible is enough to bring some comfort and strength to your brother and nieces
Aww that is lovely how you looked after and cared for your mother. I remember my mum always getting me my magazines and chocolate bars but sadly she passed away very young of pancreatic cancer. My brother was 14 and I was 17. We were so very close and it hurt us so much.
I lay in bed with my sis in law and stroke her arms and back as she loves it so much and make her food as she is always hungry being on the steroids. It gives my brother a chance to get some sleep as she keeps him awake all night wanting to talk and make her food etc. ok I'm going to be a good girl now and have a bath, wash my hair and get myself something to eat so I can take my next tramadol. A week today, I have to have an op on my 2 big toes as I have ingrown toenails - I'm petrified as they no longer put you under, they give you a local anaesthetic into your toes - o u c h xx
bless her heart she sounds a lovely lady and an inspiration to us all. the way she is conducting her life one very brave lady.. I nursed my mom through cancer right up to the end. my mom was a fighter never moaned or complained just took everything in her stride. and made the most of what time she had. she never once lost her spirit. I strive to try and be how she was, but some days are harder than others. you take care x gentle hugs