Those who know first hand please help me!!

Treatment and medication
1

Hi, ive been reading through your experiences etc and need some advic epelase.....ive been getting very depressed and angry with so much in the world. I want to sleep and not wake up from my head thinking and thinking all the time. I cant sleep, i get confused and cant make decissions as they get me in a muddle and i end up getting head ache and anxious.

Im a mess, reading too too much into everything and its driving me mad. Im pushing peopel away that mean the world and i dont know what to do.

Ive been couselling 3 years ago....no help, and didnt take the anti d's that were prescribed. Listening to peple on them and taking peoples advice now i went started counselling gaian today and got prescribed....errr Citalopram. Its in front of me. Before i take it i feel that i cant handle anymore thoughts and mental pain worse than i feel already.

Do i take it?.....Any advice on pro's or cons?? Please

2

Definitely take them but bear in mind that they may not work for you and wont work right away. You may have side effects but stick with it and see if they go away. If they dont or you find that the Citalopram doesnt work see your doc and try something else.

3

John Boy..I hope I can help a little with what im going to say- im no expert but I know how you feel. Everyone on this site is in the same position, they just want to feel normal again and regain the lust for life, what is different is everyones experiences. Some people may experience similar feelings others different so please when reading this site understand that not everything applies to you and your situation we are all unique. What I have noticed is peoples physical reactions, like pains etc- the only side affect I have had physically is the sick feeling which goes after a coulpe of days.

My problem too is thinking too much, I can think for England..I used to have to sleep with the tv on so that my mind would have something to concentrate on..what you need to be aware of that your demons are only chemical imbalances in the brain, your not a werido and your not as alienated as you feel, we are dealing with chemicals here in our brains which have got out of control. When you take these tablets its amazing how they actually begin to block out the over-analysing, you just accept things for what they are. My depression is so complex...on my high days im very high on my lows im sensitive to temperature, sounds, people, happy people- they make me even worse, past relationships not being satisfied with the now and always wanting more. My depression comes through like a horrible storm of impatience and everyone and everything in the bigger picture is my enemy. What citalopram does is help sort the balance out and I can honestly say that for me so far after 6 weeks its helping me feel back to myself. So try them and see.

Although alcoholic drink is not great, it can set you back and then you feel worse for feeling sh*t again so try to avoid it.

'reading to much into everything' drives me mad too so what I have done is started tai chi. It really does help and forces you to focus on breathing, gets you out of the house and speaking to people you never would do, who are the best because they are not work, not mates and not byast- it also gives you inner strength which at this time is crucial. It also helps you sleep better- sleeping is part of the vicious circle but it gets better.

Take each day as it comes, tell your close ones about it but dont try to explain it too much because you will only get frustrated that they dont understand, just let them know you have this and are sorting it. Being on the tablets does infact make you more aware of how you treat people.

I hope this helps you a bit and be prepared for some ups and downs but know that these tablets will help if you stick with it and theres plenty of life out there for you no matter how down you feel right now. Just do the things that make you happy on the inside, start to pay attention to yourself and imbrace the small things you like and do them) and you will start to radiate some happy vibes outside, this is such a common thing just be strong enough to know that you can beat it, because you really can : )

x

4

Thanks for the quick response. My head right now is banging with all the thought and questions...is that normal? Im not sure if anything is wrong with me...its not like i feel im notin control but just keep questioning peoples motives....am i being used, am i the one whose wrong, am i right?...Its like the things i think and say are right...in my head...but to others i may be wrong...the question is ...is anything wroing with me or am i reading too much into things which means i have an issue. If not, im gona start taking a drug i really dont need.

People out there have real problems....my insecurities about life, where im going and scared of change....because i think about it so so much and fear it so much...it makes me depressed...or does it make me depressed? I sit my brain saying im getting down or have i got it in my head that im depressed in which case im in a downward spiral.

I really appreciate your responses....any answers a helpful. I know that too many peoples points of view can cloud a decision but ive never looked to those with the problem before for an answer. I nned toi be sure before i start taking this drug.

The doc didnt really question me...thats why im so unsure about what they prescribed.

I cant just get on with things...i wake up and think all the time, im lost in my own thoughts and ccnat wait to sleep so i can just relax.

Are any of these thoughts or symptoms what anyone else has thought of or gone through?

5

thats what citalopram does it balances it all out and starts to make you feel in control of whats happening. As SOON as I wake up I think about past relationships, I think what im doing wrong, whats wrong with me eveything. Thats why these tablets will help because it takes the edge off things but I do advise finding some sort of source to channel your thoughts to- do you have any hobbies at all? or is that step to far ahead for you? you just have to realise you are a thinker which at the moment is fighting against you but when you take the tablets your thoughts start to be postive and work alongside your day rather than turning everything into a negative. Encourage yourself however small try something new you need to have something to focus on while taking them otherwise you will again start to think too much into if they are working, then if they are not you will feel sh*te again for not feeling so high. It takes a while for them to adjust in your body. The doc probably didnt question too much because he/she could see it clearly. Dont question everyones motives some people you need to worry and care about others come in and out of your life for a short while you dont need to be aware of the reasoning all the time, ignorance is bliss remember that sometimes.

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John Boy and Lou, i have been reading this site for a while now, and i cant believe what i have just read from you 2, i have been thinking exactly the same for years , and only just prescibed with depression. I have just lost my marriage and kids, ialso believed i had ocd , have you 2 thought this as well. i have a been a mess the last few weeks, and my thinking process has just got worse and worse, as soon as i feel ok and then think and think myself back into a downer, i almost want to down as my lifes that bad and complicated as i see it. As soon as i have clear thoughts and goals i just complicate them and get down, sorry im waffling but i have been told by my ex so many times that i have demons in my head and that she could never work me out. i have been on tabs 5 weeks now, i dont cry as much, but this thinking crucifies me, i am also seeing a counsellor , i dont if anything helps, its just nice that its not just me

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JA- Im sorry to read you lost your wife and kids, im also sorry to read that you have felt like this for ages. Thats the trouble with life at the moment if your not the top of your game or what you think is the top then feeling depressed is very hard to accept. Its like a pride thing and ego thing. Im a young career woman with all my arms and legs and everything in working order..great family the bestest mates you could ever imagine and for some reason I feel like theres the biggest darkest cloud over me, a real sense of low. I find it hard because its not like its a physical thing like a cold where you can monitor when its getting better. Its all in your head- if you feel happy your not sure if you feel happy because you are or because your on tablets and the same goes for feeling low. But in the cloud free moments just embrace it just accept how you feel regarless of the reason, reasons can be harming- thats why chanelling your thoughts is key- tai chi is amazing for this. Can I suggest as a quick read the 'Yes Man' by Danny Wallace, its not a deep arrgravting book but a lighthearted true story which in a very small way can show you some sort or light, it really does.

It all may feel sh*t now but you have no idea whats going to happen and learning to appreciate this and focus on the moment rather than worrying about the past and present is key. Im good at talking just not always listening to my own advice. The future is only a thought it doesnt exist yet so whatever bad things you think are going to happen wont and the past is only a set of memories, depression confuses them all and trys to force you to work it all out, you dont need to- be strong with it because once you come out of dealing with your own emotions you will feel stronger than ever, not a lot of people can say that.

x

8

Sorry i didnt reply, i can only access this site at work. Reading your reply is unbelievable, for years i tried to explain this to my ex but all she would say is i cant work you out , go see someone that can. What you say is exactly what goes on in my head, i worry about the samllest thing and it gets me so down, even now i worry what will happen to me in the future, months and years ahead and it gets me in these downers. When married i had the lot, lovely wife, house and 2 kids, yet i hated my life, felt so bored , then the ocd used to kick in and these thoughts ran my life and affected how i acted and dealt with problems, i cant relax and this thinking ultimately ended in losing the lot, i often feel lilke i will never be satisfied in life and that these downers will always be a part of it. It is just so nice to hear that i am not alone and that level headed people can experience this, sometimes i question my sanity and that now i have lost the lot i will never get anywhere near what i had, its so scary. Sorry to trouble you with my troubles but to actually speak to someone who can think like and feel these things is a relief to me. i am going to look up tai chi, i want so much to sort my head out, i know it will take time but i have a million things to think of and its all a mush sometimes and i dont know where to start, you have been such a help to me, i am sorry I am going on, is what i am experiencing with these thoughts depression or something else , i worry so much, thanks JA

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Hi Ja

Like you I lost everything. My 2 children. house and financial security. I now live in a council flat and have remarried.

The flat is a secure place to live and I can decorate it and nearly do as I like. I was never allowed before and the nice big house never felt like home. My husband is wonderful. I love him so much more than the controlling bully I was with before. He has supported me through all of this and I couldn't ask for more of a person. Sounds good don't it. The only problem is I feel like he's too good and I will lose him and be alone again and then I feel like I won't be able to pay all my bills and will have to give up my little flat and move into shared house . I can always find something to worry about and these thoughts drive me mad. I have it good right now and with taking these pills its helping me see what I've got and not worry about something in the future that proberly won't happen.

I can worry about bird flu and how its going to effected the price of xmas turkey. I can worry bout the car MOT thats due next year. All these things are in the furture and may not ever happen. I've been taking citalopram since 15 october and now starting to feel better. they do take a while but you end up feeling more relaxed about day to day situations.

We are all in the same boat on this site and we all try to help each other. Stick with it and things will improve.

x

10

Mrs J, Lou and JA

I apologise for not replying...have been in meetings. I find satying busy really helps control my thoughts. If im busy i dont think as much about other stuff but its when im alone my midn runs away...thinking the worst about life, where ill be and if ill be alone. Thats such a scary thought but you always think its gona happen to you or the positives will never happen to you.

I never realised feeling this way was such a common thing...horrible to say that it makes me feel i can reach out and talk to someone that dont actually think im wierd, people who understand the waffle coming from my mind and can translate it in to how its making me think and feel.

Does anyone get good days when they are flying?....I do and peoaple cant believe it...'They say 'whats up with you'....but then the next day ill be so low...its almost not worth being given the experienece of a stress free day to me and i think why dont this world just swallow me up and save me teh head and heart ache.

The OCD thing is something i didnt really know was a problem....it comes and goes in diferent strengths. I use to leave home, make sure i locked the door then go back 10 minutes later whilst deciding i didnrt really check it properly...or all my remote controls have to be next to each otehr in size order facing the tv....or my bed HAS to be made and the laods of stupid stuff....is that the sort of stuff you mean?

I also talk to myself...its like im acting scenarios out with myself to see my reaction to peoples comments or answers..... im trying to make sure i know what to say, to make sure im not wrong and to make sure ive covered myself....Think think think.....never relax. Can you remember the last time you just lay there content...i cant. I want that so much but i dont think having read stuff on Cy'Pan that is the thing for me....just becuase im not anxious.

The only time im anxious is when im argueing with my partner. I hate it. I want to go away and never return and run from life. The rat race....its not that i dont like working, just i see the world differently, people grafting, looking the part wanting to talk the part but its not them....its not the real person they are and its the hate for that that im lost in my own world as i dont know who i am or what i want to be and so i keep thinking and thinking and thinking that im the one whose got it all wrong...but i cant be convinced. I just want to be happy without thought....

Im sorry to waffle on but telling how i feel to people that seem to have answers instead of someone in a chair looking at me, having never experienced what we think and feel telling me they cant give me answers is not what i consider couselling to be. Its just beeen a place i can go and cry and not lie to cover things up ... to just let it out.

Im sorry you guys have lost children and loved ones. .... I hope it doesnt happen to me but i know im pushing those i care about away and i cant change the way im thinking.

Has anyone tried any other anti depressive drug and what did you think? How do you lot get your partners to understand and see your points of view and thoughts? Was it your continuous arguing or the questions you always had that drove yourselves appart? If you dont want to tell me then i underestand...i just want to relate and make sure i try and get this undercontrol so i can see when im doing wrong....or can you not see it? Liek i said yesterday, i just see myslef as right but lost in my world and dont see other points of view and if they do have one...i feel they cant see mine and then question my own sanity...but im not mad....i just have an over active mind which i need to control and slow down.

Im sorry for going on, so many questions to ask and i need answers and cant talk to anyone else.

Thanks x

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John Boy, you sound a complete mirror image of me, my OCD extends only to things I won, my house basically. When i got it , it was a wreck, we got in and every single penny i had went into making it perfect, which it nearly was when i left, but it became my obsession. A hair on the floor, slightest mark on wall etc, i had to keep cleaning it and improving it, if anything went wrong it felt my whole world was coming down, my ex didnt understand and thought i controlled her, ultimately it drove her away for good. Now, even though its gone i still think what it looks like inside, how she wont look after it like i did, think, think,think, think, its all i do. My thinking controlled everyone elses lives, i wouldnt go out to i had done all the jobs that i wanted to do, the garden had to be perfect as well, im the same with doors, check, check check, im not like it anywhere else apart from my own place. My Ex though i had demons in my head, i knew my problem and many times went to do something but ignored it, it was my way of life, eventually she fell out of love with me after 10 years. I used to have good days but in the end, but i was getting worse. I am 20 mg a day, i am not so emotional now, but the control is back, i want everything to b better, sell house get a flat, get a new partner and b happy, on 5 odd weeks and i want it all to b ok, people say it will take time , i cant have a year of being like this, i have amazing friends and who will always listen but unless you have my thought process then they will never understand. I so much want to be happy, i adore my kids from bottom of me heart and miss them so much, i will always balme myself and worry what impact this will have on their little lives, i just want to know the future will be good and that i will settle again and be happy, but i just want to relax and be happy, i am a knid young bloke, always have done the decent thing, everything i done i done it for a better life for my family, but in the end i lost the lot, sorry if i sound miserable, i can still laugh from time to time, but when i get a moment on my own these thoughts just over power me, i just want answers pls........

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Its so har JA but people dont undersatnd.....whats the problem with keeping the house clean...there aint really....i dont like mess so i keep things clean. I underastnd it can be annoying as people are different but its not like its hurting them by cleaning unless you take it out on them.....Did you? ...... My biggest problem wityh my partner at the moment ois my moaning.....talking about the same old bloody thing and its driving her mad......i wana talk and get answers but hold back and hold back until i cnat any longer and it all comes out and i drive a barrier between us.

Your lucky to have a family...they wont suffer as long as you are there for them...to help them when they need and to answer their questions. You will move on and so will I...its just ahrd to believe it at the moment and i just want to run and live a strewss free life.

The circles vicious.....think think think...get drpressed...think think think....feel depressed.....question question question......what if, when, how, which, why, maybe....thgink think....does my nut in and give sme headaches.

20mg huh?........has it got better?

I just spoke to my pal......she pushe dme forward and gave me confidence to see doc again about it. I still havent taken it though....so unsure but she said that i should. How did you feel before you took it...was you really bad or what? How did things change?.......Do you still work? ....Do you feel like you cant speak to people or go out?.....

Me, i hate being alone.....cant sleep when im alone,......get hoem and i go straight out as hate my own company...;...cant relax and watch a dvd or tv,.....id say the only time im not in thought is when i play football.......its the only time.....and now my leg is buggered i cant even do that.

Hope you feel better JA, stay confident, think 'things will be ok.....think positives' i know its easier said and i cant do it so why im saying it is beyond me but what else can one say.....the confort is your not alone out there .... your not the only one going through it.

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John Boy, to be honest i dont know if its working, i dont feel so emotional but the think process continues for me, i never took my ocd out on anyone, i just got on with it, i did like the house to be immaculate, and i didnt let kids on the lawn but garden was big and they had area to play at bottom, i took my tabs the day b4 my marriage finished so i was in an unbelievable mess, i would have tried anything believe me. i will continue to take them though, everyone says get off them but no one knows the depth of my thinking, they think the depression and ocd thoughts started 5 odd weeks ago and it didnt. Me to, i hate being alone, the thought of going back to an empty place scares me, i really try to be positive on the outside but in the inside im scared. John, if can do all in power to make your wife understand, believe me , i hate being alone. i really want to do this, i so do , i will try all avenues possible. As for moaning, i did , but i always sorted her problems out for her which she hated, try and make her understand your issues and gain her supoort, i dont know but try mate, i said alot of words but my actions necer, in my defence i do blame my wife a bit as she broke my trust a few times (not cheating) other issues in our marriage and she created the frankenstein i became, by talking over issues on here hopefuly we can all help each other, i am only young and want to enjoy life, not wish it away, all the best JA

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JA, im glad my reply helped you a bit. OCD well if I think back ive always had it since I was in school I had to tell the teacher to wipe off a mark on the board if they had left one after wiping it nearly all the time!!...I have it now living in my flat...crumbs!! crumbs crumbs crumbs....always talking about the crumbs and surfaces they have to be clean otherwise I freak out. I get urges of organistation when I have to organise everything. Lists used to be my worse, I used to write lists about everything. I feel the OCD tendancies come out when im hyped up or whatever but they dont control me, I actually find them quite amusing. But my strive for perfection is not an uncommon thing. The most depressed people are the ones who are normally the best workers in the office, strive for the best relationships best physique. Everything has to be perfect down to the position of the remote- Ive had it all until it got too much and then I realised my distance from being me living in this world got out of control. For me as mentioned it was past relationships which fuelled it all this year and because my impatience took over ive always thought even at this age in my 20s i will never meet anyone..suddenly my idea of life was just about gaining one thing...but its not...we cant reach perfection thats the beauty of life. Theres a programme coming out on Channel4 called Mr Average- turns out hes the happiest of them all, its not about the unattainable. Pushing people away is only a factor of not being able to describe whats in your head- who can do that?? what you need to be able to do is meet new people, join a class- you will meet people who know nothing about you and you can tell them as much or as little as you like, once you've found people who you can chat to it makes you more confident in describing things which you have to do in order to have conversations with new people. Once you have found the lust for new conversation talking to loved ones come easier to you because you get out of any inevitable patterns of speech you think that comes when talking to that person.

Forever im telling my mates, I feel weird and evil and then I cry on my low days, they just accept it and try and encourage me but on high days we can chat about anything because ive learnt that however much in my head i feel it, its not about me all the time. Taking this citalopram everything feels like its balancing out and any bad things that I want to think about dont come to the surface.

The thinking is weird though, as soon as I get up im talking to myself in my head but once you have things in your week to do it reduces somewhat. Please look into tai chi. It gives you techniques to calm down and makes you think of your breathing rather than your day, makes you think about your body rather than phone bills, didnt think it would work because im a hetic so and so but it really does once you let it, you've got to let the things around you and on offer to you stimulate you and make you aware that you are a person who deserves a chance just like everyone else.

15

Lou, the OCD is exactly the same for me, when i get my flat i will be exactly the same, but i just cant help it, its me, when you say living in this world out of control its exactlt that. I met my partner when we were both young, i honestly thought we were for keeps, i knew she stopped loving me, but i still couldnt change, i promised but i couldnt. I have a terrible fear of being on my own for ever, it really has knocked my confidence, i have always been quite shy in new company. i have thought about joining a group of some sort, but i dont know what. i now play my football again, but i miss caring for my family so much, its like no one needs me anymore, i just want to feel part of my kids life and a partners life again, i know its madness and all part of my obsessive behaviour that everything has to be perfect. i wil look out for mr average, i have always need material things to make ne feel better, i know im insecure but if you asked any of my mates they would say the total opposite, its like they dont know the real me. At the moment the citalopram doesnt stop these thoughts, probably as my divorce is starting and the mess needs sorting out, the worst thing is that i cannot control this mess. i have been on tabs now 5 1/2 weeks 20 mg, do you think i should be better by now, thanks for everyones words, its nice to know there are such kind people JA

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Lou you seem to know quite abit about stuff to do with this and your explaining very similar feelings and thoughts i seem to have...the remote controls, the lists....if i write a list and make a mistake, i cant just scrub it through...i have to rewrite the whole list!!!

The confidence thing too...my pals think oh my god sooooooo confident...oh no...once they really get to know me they cant believe it....i talk about it more with everyone now coz i cant hide my thoughts and i think talking in some sense makes things worse as too many peoples opinions cloud my judgement and just give me more to talk about and especially think about.

My pal says she reckons it can take 3-6 months for this stuff to really work...is that true. Shes on ammotriptalin.....she really reckons i should take the ciltalopram..im still dubious because i have just got it in my head that is for people who have gone wonkey up top but alot of the stuff you and JA and others have said seem the sam ethings i go through. I dont care being different..i carew about not thinking so much and having such depressive days.

Can i ask you both...what age bracket you in?.......im in 20's......it all started when i was about 19 id say...i began hating the world and wanting like Lou said to be the best at everything...the way i looked, strongest in the gym, best figure, wittyest etc etc...boring boring. But i cant get that out my system. I enjoy training and competing in everything in life but i wouldnt call it a prblem....its only a problem because my head makes me feel dfown as im always judging myself for it.

JA keep your head up....your young and will have laods of opportunities in life ahead of you....its these hard times we need people...good people aroudn who umnderstand. These groups have really helped m,e the last 2 days.....i didnt even know they existed....coem across it by accident. Keep talking, if its good for you then let it out.

Someone asked me what i enjoy doing today....i had to stop and think....i think if you can find what it is you really enjoy then do it more....even if you aint working then do it to keep your mind busy.

Meeting new people like lou said scares me. i dont like meeting new poeple....change worries me but the logic seems right Lou...if you get good conversation and can make something from it then a new group is a good idea.....but what if you cant find a group or havent got the courage to join a new group...thats what makes this internet chatroom experience so easy.....becuase you dont have inhabitions about what people think....you cant see what their eyes are saying about what you have to say without opening their mouths.

Either way its just my mind thinking and my fingers twitching so ill shut up. Thanks for the advice.... I think your ideas are definately worth a go. What harm can it do.

Does anyone know any other anty d's that have worked that i could ask doc about tomorrow morning? I wana have an iidea on different stuff before i put these in my month for the next 6 months.... I just dont know how they can prescribed so easily without asking me more than 3 questions.

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Hi people, John boy, Mrs J, ja and Lou. How are you all?

I have just read some, not all of your postings, I understand exactly how you feel...my query for me is....are we all striving to be perfect??? Then we get the guilt stick out for not, beat ourselves up about it, loose our self esteem, start worrying about all kind of things, start to have panic attacks, as we are worrying so so much . Then fall apart, because you don't really know what is happening to you!! Then you get a headache, which blinds you and makes you feel sick!

John boy , you could ask the doc for something else.... but maybe it is the case that we all over analyse the given information on the warning leaflet because we are alll over anxious and depressed, and we all anxiously want to get better-not sicker , as the side effects would suugest!!! Would anyone agree with me?

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Hi Katy

...its like i want to be perfect...at everything but when im not i feel i failed and i think that im worthless, not good enough.

Im my own worst critic, judge and jury.

What is anxious?....What is anxiety because its the one thing im not sure i am....the only time i feel a struggle to breath is when im argueing and feel like i need to run away.

I did once....left for 6 months and then came home but when i got hoem things were so much worse coz id seen so much and then it was liek being thrown back into this false pretetios world. Its not like this outside england.

How you feeling Katy? Do you feel down everyday? Does anything in particular start it?

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Hi John boy, yes! Ithink when you say you have failed at something, which you probably have not, you attack yourself. I think, this is in itself is an anxiety, a fear of not making the A grades etc. Have you ever failed at anything?

Me, I feel down a lot. Sometimes due to my degree result, sometimes due to my family circumstance, sometimes because not unlike you I think I have not made the grade or shown the world what I can do. Then, for me I become withdrawn, do not want to speak to anyone, hide bla bla.

This summer for instance, I sat my maths exam again, convinced myself that I had failed , to the point where I threw up. When I got my results I was so shocked to find that I had got an A, however, I was so low at that point that It did not make a jot of difference, whereas , normally someything like that would make me happy. ( idid think my Mum was going to die at this point though, and if she was going to recover, the likelihood of her having a breakdown again was high_ So I was v worried for her) As it turns out, she is okay, and it is me that seems to be loosing it completely!

Anyway, whether or not this makes any sense, I think its all aprt of that swinging pendulum, where we go from worry to anxious to depresed to worry to more depression etc, then not unlike what you all habe described battle with our snses to keep our sanity. I found myself snapping and shouting and then crying etc, as i was not myself.

Hope I have helped. What a mess though, don't you think?

Take care John boey and all you others, katy

20

this all started for me when i bought my 1st flat i would say, I am 31 now, we got it 7 years ago, everything was fine, then my wife broke my trust which really hurt me, unfortunately she done this several times (not cheating though) it was finnancial. This is when i changed, i couldnt trust her and it made me want to control this and make them better, everything had to be going well and right, which steadily got worse and worse over the years, she did admit that she created the Frankenstein that i had became, but i still treated her to anything and the kids, they never went without a thing, enough of my life story, sorry. I do honestly think that those events triggered it, i find it so hard that i will never get back what i lost and blame myself saying that \"its only money\", my ocd used to extend so far that i would always being checking the account, daily , as i couldnt trust her, i could never forgive the lies. More the betrayls , the worse i became with the depression and moods, she could never understand why i was so unhappy, i would explain and she would say just go then if u dont like it, i really am waffling now. AS for my moods recently, i would say that i sometimes i get low where i want to cry but the tears just wont come, sometimes that worse as a good cry is relieves the pain, the citalopram takes away the emotion i believe. At the moment as im back at my parents ilisten to a lot of music which can help but can also upset me as they remind me of things, as for joining a group , ireally want to do this, sometimes i feel positive and get the urge, but other times i just sit in the chair and cannot be bothered, i feel its too early that i should be moving on and that if i was to get friendly with a women that i would be cheating in my wife, and more importantly i would never want to hurt anyone. im feeling quite low today, i shouldnt , i have my kids all weekend which is lovely, we are going to the park on sunday and going to have a good walk, on sat we are going for breakfast and making a sponge in afternoon, it all feels so false though , not like their real dad anymore, i know i am, but i feel like a macdonalds daddy, its the 1st time in their lives that i have spent more than 1 day apart from them, when i see my boy recently , his hair looked longer, it was only 1 week but he looked different, sorry everyone for going on, just one of those days. One thing i am going to get this weekend is a laptop so i can log on at home , at the moment i can only do this at work. John, Lou, Katy, why has the curse struck us? we all sound nice kind people, why us, will this curse be with us for life???? take care everyone JA