Hi,
Discussion welcome. I have an incredible wife to support me but I would love to share with folks here as well.
Briefly. My second time on Cit. I started november 2021 and dropped september 2022.
I mistakenly thought i had been fixed by addressing a b12 deficiency. Turns out it was the Cit. I started falling apart slowly i October and maxed out in January with brutal insomnia and depression sinking in.
So far 4 weeks at 10mg and 2 weeks at 15mg. It has been tough, i get extreme side effects from starting up and changing doses. Sent me sobbing on the couch multiple times. Intrusive thoughts and waves of anxiety that I am managing with one 0.5 lorazepam per day.
Taking half a zopiclone to sleep as well.
I do not know the cause of my chemical imbalance. I am 49 and have had the easiest happiest life imaginable until this.
I suspect i have been given this suffering to learn some lessons…and i can say empathy oozes from me now.
I look forward to chatting with anyone who is interested. I am going to track my progress here so that i can look back and see progress.
Thanks
A note for myself.
Woke up considerably less anxious than normal. Took the 15mg at 10:30am. Went for a walk but by noon wave of anxiety had rolled in. Took my lorazepam for the day.
Still a bit off as of 4pm. Need to watch blood sugar better. Low blood sugar definitely not good for my anxiety.
Lovely evening last night. My eldest daughter and i spent the entire night together while the youngest was babysitting and wife at a work function.
Went to bed happy and content.
This morning woke up with terribly restless legs and no interest in moving. Anxiety built to the point where i was again sobbing.
Every day it feels like there is a mountain to climb. Relentless with no clue when or if there is an end. It is cruel, but life is hard for so many.
Really no idea how i even got to here. Life could not have gone better. Only theory is working too hard for too long and stressing my body from running ultramarathons.
My resolve is that the worse i feel the more kind i am to those around me. I am suffering but that does not mean I can't be a better person because of it.
Another day.
Woke up at 5am after 6 hours of sleep. May have dozed off for another half hour.
Kind wife takes the kids to school. I finally get up at 8:45. So i laid there and let the morning anxiety build for almost four hours.
By the time the wife gets home I am sobbing on the couch for the fifth time in 7 weeks. Believe this to be a side effect of citalopram because there was nothing like that before i started and it commenced the day after i started 7 weeks ago.
I took my daily 0.5 lorazepam and then gradually feel better all day. Not great but better. Now at 6pm (feels like 10pm) I feel much like my normal self.
I should mention that i have felt almost flu like all day as well. Also similar to how i felt as soon as citalopram hit my system.
Wife says she sees progress. I certainly wasn't much better than this at the 7 week mark the first time around.
Wish i didn't need the lorazepam still. Really could use a few good days in a row.
I'll try to enjoy this evening and not think of what likely awaits me in the morning.
Another day.
Cheated today and took my 0.5 lorazepam at 4:30am. Allowed me to get a little more sleep.
Got out of bed, took the citalopram at 8am. Morning felt fairly anxious and glum but not terrible. Worked and then walked.
Tried to nap in afternoon but it didn't happen. My brain just doesn't let me fall asleep. No racing thoughts, just couldn't do it.
Will work some more after getting kids then read a book with wife on sofa tonight.
Wish me luck on starting to sleep better. I would like that worry off my plate so I only have the depression and anxiety to worry about!
I am so lucky to have my wife to drag me through this. I am glad I can at least keep working and do a reasonable job with the kids.
Still looking for a breakthrough day to feel some relief. Last time around I definitely got some relief right about now.
I missed posting a day.
Last two have been similar. Tough morning with decent evening.
Always with the 0.5 lorazepam getting me out of the morning hole unfortunately.
Side effects seem worst about 3 hours after i take the citalopram for the day. I have read it peaks in your system between one and six hours.
Also did two long hot tubs in the past few days and wife is convinced that has negatively impacted me. Makes sense as the heat would create anxiety like symptoms.
50 days in and it is still very tough. Very much needing to see some clear progress.
My wife is a saint for how she is helping me through this.
Ugh.
Another day. Seems about the same. Wakeup anxiety terrible.
Woke up six something. In bed until 10. Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 8am.
Went for 1.5 hour walk. Then dove for the couch. May have fallen asleep for a couple of minutes. I wish i could sleep 20 hours a day.
worked after that. good distraction as my mind wanted to worry. now 7pm, not really anxious but just generally feel a bit ill and flushed.
Patience. Patience. Patience.
I got there last time and I think i feel a little ahead of that pace. Still looking for a bit of a step change in health fairly shortly. Just want something to confirm progress is happening.
Still focused on being extra kind to everyone. That will be my goal forevermore.
At least something good out if this daily suffering.
Different day today. Felt like a victory for a while.
Woke up six something. Anxious but less than normal and then it relented.
Got up and ate. Mind started to worry so i exercised in the gym and then did 2.5 hours of yin yoga.
Started struggling a bit by 3pm. By 5pm it was full blown anxiety and i took my 0.5 lorazepam for the day.
That is where i am now. I expect i will be feeling pretty good in an hour and have a reasonable night.
Disappointing as i thought i was going to get a lorazepam free day and that really good day that i was looking for.
Patience, patience, patience.
i was correct and last night turned for the better.
this morning anxiety was back in full force. weekend so up late. had to take my 0.5 lorazepam at about that time.
Then had a reasonable day. workout and then yin yoga with daughter. walked over to my parents for dinner where anxiety kicked in a bit. i think i had gone too long without food. low blood sugar is a trigger.
day 53 and it is still a struggle. want off those lorazepam badly.
Day 54 on citalopram.
Last night was good. This morning started pretty good. Got up and made breakfast for the kids.
Then started working and by 10:30 anxiety had overwhelmed me again. Side effects are relentless. Sobbing on the couch.
Took 0.5 lorazepam and afternoon was fine. By 5:30 though had deteriorated. Thinking low blood sugar again. Will see how the night goes.
As of now mornings are brutal. Afternoons usually reasonable and evenings very good.
Now four weeks at 15mg. No way i am upping any time soon. I was not anxious like this pre citalopram, nor was i crying every second day. I had insomnia and periods of negative rumination and depression.
The side effects are my biggest problem right now. It is still a struggle but even i can see that there is progress.
Day 55.
Don't look now but somebody had a really good day! Finally!
Now i did cheat and have a 0.5 lorazepam mid afternoon when some anxiety was building. But this morning was the best i have had and tonight i am 100% normal.
Doctor is comfortable with that very small dose of lorazepam. I expressed concern about addiction and he said he will not let that happen. They have made this brutal process much more bearable.
Now i should also note that i used tapping today repeatedly today for the first time. There are a lot if studies that support it helping anxiety, even better than CBT.
Do not know if it has made a difference but man it feels good to be myself tonight.
Day 56. Still at 15mg with no plans to change.
Last night was fantastic. Felt like myself. Happy, optimistic.
This morning wakeup anxiety wasn't terrible. Slept pretty well but awake at 5:20. Might have slept a bit more after that.
Worked first thing. Then decided to lie on the couch. That is generally the kiss of death and sure enough unhappiness arrived. Took my 0.5 lorazepam for the day.
Rest of the day has been ok. Lifted weights. Went for a walk. It is 7pm now and if you could guarantee that i would feel like i do now forever i would likely take it. No anxiety. Thoughts aren't a problem.
Still getting twitching in my calves. Could be anxiety but that twitching usually doesn't occur there. I am mindful of sodium as i know citalopram depletes it.
The long journey continues. I am better than last week for sure. Still using tapping and 4-7-8 breathing. Paying attention to diet and getting lots of outside exercise.
Last night i was 100% myself again. Feels great to be me again.
Decent sleep. Woke up 6:30. Anxiety not bad.
Worked then walked. During walk thoughts started to turn. Very similar time each day and it is always a couple hours after i take the citalopram.
Wife talked me into 0.5 lorazepam. Our theory is to not let the anxiety get out of control because it can spiral. This is the smallest dose possible and i only do one per day.
Afternoon was then fine and by 5pm i was 100%. Now 8:30 and i feel just perfect.
I have definitely had a step change improvement over the past few days.
This is day 57. Hope has arrived. I even allowed myself to say that i think i will eventually be ok.
I believe the cause of all this was chronic stress. I worked 52 weeks a year for a decade as a self employed person. Put constant ultramarathoning on top of that and i think i just broke myself.
Hello day 58.
4 weeks at 10mg. The rest at 15mg.
Last night just fantastic again. Today i hit 100% at 4pm when i was lifting weights.
Slept pretty good last night. Still don't like the mornings. Anxiety and always feel kind of overwhelmed about what may come.
Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 11am. Our thinking is still to keep anxiety away as much as possible to let me sleep better and give the ssri more time to kick in. Hopefully this tiny dose doesn't come back to haunt me.
I don't know how the day would go without it. I know i actually feel like i am living now and not just hanging on surviving like a couple of weeks ago.
Day 59.
Much like day 58. Best sleep i can recall since december which would be three months ago.
Not as anxious first thing. Had some negative thinking around 12:30. Thought about going no 0.5 lorazepam today but i am progressing so well we think i should stick with it another week and let the citalopram continue to level out.
6pm now and i feel 100%. Happy, joking. Like the old me.
Progress is surely happening. Appetite is back with a vengeance. That has to be a good sign.
Day 60.
I would say muck like day 59 but a little better.
Evenings are now great every day. Had some anxiety in the morning. This was sunday so i didn't do much until going for a walk at 11:30. Then lifted weights.
Went to parents at 4pm for supper. Mind was racing by the time i got there. Took my 0.5 lorazepam. Should have maybe eaten first because food can often help.
Anyway. Evening was fine. Great even i would say. Love being around the kids and wife.
If i can take a 0.5 lorazepam once a day i am in a really good place. Still don't know how the evening goes without one. Getting much closer to not needing it.
Progress continues but of course it is hard to be satisfied because i just want to be 100%.
Time is the only answer to that unfortunately.
Day 61.
Reasonable sleep. 10:30 to 5:25. Awake for half hour around 3am. So that is reasonable. Taking on quarter of a sleeping pill now. Hopefully fully off those soon.
Morning was ok. Not perfect but felt like i was waiting for anxiety or depressed thoughts to arrive.
They did over lunch. Took my 0.5 lorazepam which really didnt 't seem to do much. i would say by 4pm i was 100% though and have been all night.
4pm seems to be when i get to normal now. I hope that keeps working back earlier.
10 days ago i was just trying to survive. now i feel like i am actually back to living for half of each day.
Of course if i wrote these in the morning i would imagine i would sound much leas optimistic.
Day 62.
Excellent night last night. Sleep was reasonable. 11 to 3. 3:30 to 6:10.
Morning wasn't terrible. Up to feed the kids and drove them to school. Then work and then walk.
Anxiety/dark set in around 2pm. Took 0.5 lorazepam. Was 100% by 4pm while lifting weights. And now fine at 7:30.
Still going in the right direction.
Last night was great.
Morning today was reasonable. Stayed pretty good all day. Took lorazepam at 6pm as i was deteriorating.
Considered going all day without it. 7:40 now and i still don't feel great.
Was getting pretty excited going into today. Sobering deterioration today.
Chin up. I am a lucky man. Perfect family, incredible life.
I think i stressed myself into this with constant work. I will persevere. Accept the anxiety. Don't fight it. Time is what is required to heal me. Everyone suffers at some point. This is my turn.
Day 64.
Morning wasn't great. Out of bed with kids for school though so that is better than a few weeks ago.
Sleep was bad. Up at 4:30 and don't think i slept after that.
Drove them. Worked for a bit then went for 1.5 hour walk. Spent the entire walk ruminating over the same few thoughts.....when will i get better, will i get better, how did i cause this.
Surrendered to my 0.5 lorazepam at 11am. Felt better by noon.
Afternoon wasn't spectacular. Lifted weights, drove the kids again.
When i took my youngest to babysitting at 5:30 i came back 100% for whatever reason.
Optimism from earlier in the week waning a bit. Clearly improving but without that one little lorazepam per day it would be much, much harder.
So tiring.