...last year I made a decision to turn my life around. No more partying, drugs and drinking. I would focus on my career, enrolled myself onto a Masters course, changed various habits and I'm still trying hard to become a better person; the person I want to be. No-one said it would be easy, but... I've never felt more depressed.
Often I think that perhaps I neglected the changes I should have made, such as moving out of an uncomfortable environment (occassionally unbearable) and focusing on my mental and physical wellbeing. I was hoping that by changing the major aspects of my life, that I could strengthen my mental stateand perhaps offer me some staility, but my course makes me feel slightly inadequate, no1 supports me (which is fine I support myself!!) and have consistently tried to discourage me. Plus studying and working take up so much of my time that I've slightly neglected my physical fitness. But I just needed to stick it out for a year, finish studying, get myself a good job in my chosen industry and move into my own place away from the negativity of my current location.
How can I make all the right changes to my life which will better my future, yet still feel unhappy? Even worse, depressed to the point where I've contemplated suicide?
I've always been a strong independent individual. Throughout my total existence I have been told I'm inadequate in all respects of life; for example, my mother laughed at me when I said I got into a good university for undergrad; which I almost failed due to my family completely neglecting me after my mother attacking me and me trying to stick up for myself, all which occured while my father was in hospital dying of cancer. My sister basically told me I wasn't smart enough to do a smarters and her husband has tried to discourage me. My brothers laugh at me for going back into education and just delittle me almost every chance they get. I get that I'm the ugly duckling, these days I hardly communicate with them, which makes me depressed because whats wrong with me?
I'm not the emotional type, guess I've had to be strong for myself for so long I just don't know how to display emotion. When I was younger and my mother used to beat me (once again for no apparent reason) I wouldn't cry until she left, often I'd hurt myself to train my body to withstand her beatings or because I didn't feel good enough. SO I don't talk to anyone about how I feel or why I feel it, because to me its weakness and people use that weakness against you to break you down further. This message is probably the closest I've come to displaying how I honestly feel.
I just... don't want to feel this anymore, depression. I'm a good person and I'm trying hard to improve my life. I just feel inadequate, lost and like a failure.
uve done so well u deserve a pat on the back..well done! i was the same emotion wasnt meant to be shown..but its human and uve made a great step coming here...its not weak to show emotion but i understand some people can use it against you to get what they want and to feel better about them self..there problem! anyway its none of there business and what they think of you is none of your business..u should be so proud of ur self
Thank you Julie1111, you're message made me smile; the first one of today!
ur welcome..smile the world will smile with you
Hi I just had to write to say well done for turning things around in your life it's not easy but you are achieving more every day, it sounds like you have had a rough time in the past but there's nothing wrong with trying to change your life as you are the only one that can do it take no notice of people who are not supportive of your achievements they are only jealous that you are making the effort as for the family well you know the old saying you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and make sure you choose them wisely because so many people are stuck in rut they don't want others to change so they try to belittle everything you do no wonder you are feeling a little depressed every needs someone to say well done but you know your family are not going to be like that so try to distance yourself a little from them as they will only make you question yourself I think you have done so well to get this far and I know you can achieve what you want without their help because as you say you are a strong person and you are certainly not the ugly duckling remember what the ugly duckling turns into yes it's the beautiful swan leave people behind who do not share your ambitions for your future and make new friends later. Unfortunately there are no lessons in parenting and anyone can be one sometimes bad parents are a product of their own upbringing and they just have no idea of what you need a a child, when it's your turn you will know what not to do with your own family but I think that everything has made you a stronger person so good luck in all you do.
take care of your self
lots of love sue
so true sue helped me also thank you..people dont like change in us its un balanced them ...take no notice of them u do whats good for you and yes chose your friends carefully i made a mistake chosing the wrong friends and i got badly hurt..allways go with ur gut feeling its never wrong
Mate
I must say here you are doing great job for yourself and for others, who are still in your past.
You are a example for everyone, and let me tell you one thing, you are far better in all aspect of life compare to your siblings.
Coming out from this garabge and rise for good is Awesome!!!
Thank you Sue34151. Means a lot!
That's hard to have a depression but onwe has to find the goal of your life. And having a right person nearby is important too.
You're a great a person, turning back to the things that you used to do is a brave effort. And I salute you for that. Now why don't you give yourself a reward and a tap at your back.
Hi Mamacita,
You should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved! You changed your life for the better, and that certainly isin't easy! I wish i had the motivation to make big changes like you! it's much easier to sit behind my computer and give advice! haha.
I think it's best to stay away from people that constanly put you down, even though they are you family, you should ask them to be supportive of you, or stay away.
I know your very busy, but when you do get some free time, try to do something you enjoy, and perhaps a bit of exercise, swimming is a great way to keep fit, and exercise does lift your mood.
Keep up the good work! take care x