Hi all, I have appreciated reading your very thoughtful discussions, so thought to finally share my own story and ask for help.
I was in the very early stages of dating a man back in October of 2018 - emotional, physical, and intellectual chemistry was wonderful. Within a couple of weeks, he was quite forthright that he had some serious work to do on himself and could not begin a serious relationship because if he did, he would demolish it. We were long distance, and I very much appreciated his honesty and willingness to be so open, rather than just ignoring things. I had just ended an awful relationship, so felt it was right to pause.
We kept chatting daily until February. At most, once every three weeks, I wouldn’t hear from him for maybe two days or so. But he always messaged.
During this time, I knew he was “working on himself”, but didn’t know he was clinically depressed. I knew he had some dark times, and struggled with anxiety, but didn’t think it was anything more than what I might go through. Also during this time, there were three incidents where he was straight-up insulting. It was very odd - he was unexpectedly extremely aggressive. Almost like he was lashing out, but not at anything I recognized other than me. It was enough to make me feel like I never knew what to expect from him…when I might step totally innocently, and set off a land-mine.
At this point, I still didn’t know he was clinically depressed, and didn’t do any research on what that meant. I also didn’t feel like I could say bluntly: What you’ve said is unkind and unacceptable. Instead, I very very gently tried to talk him down and away from whatever the source of his aggressive response was.
But it was not easy. And it took a toll - to hold my breath whenever I sent a message, because I didn’t know how he might respond to literally the gentlest of messages.
In February, I was forced to deal with some new trauma from my ex. At the same time as this exploded, the gentleman I mention above (the one with depression) had another explosion to the most (for me) inane matter. It was awful. Again, I talked him down and away from the conversation, but the next morning, I woke up and felt like a bag of hammers. I simply didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to go through that again. Not when I had to absolutely take care of my own emotional and mental health. So I did something which felt right then, because I felt a need to self-preserve.
I basically ghosted him. I was too scared to explain why, and again - I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to do so, while being anxious that it might set him off. Again.
I blocked him on everything. Without a conversation.
I feel sick to my stomach writing that out as I have never done so before, but felt it was so necessary to do so at that time.
Now, five months later, I learn that very recently he had been asking a mutual friend about me a couple of times - what happened to me, and how I was. The impression is that he seems to understand why I had to tap out, but I don’t think he ever really thought it would be for good (at least not five months).
It took me a little bit to do some reading on depression and anxiety in men, and then a few days ago, I finally reached out. I mentioned that I had to tap out because he had been unkind / mean, and that I simply couldn’t address it. I mentioned that I thought of him often and missed him and would like to reconnect if he wished to do the same.
He responded simply and kindly, and asked how I was (but did not address or apologize for his unkind behavior). So, though I would have preferred a conversation about what happened, I understand that he might not want to / might not care to / might not be able to at present, or ever. I am okay with all of these things, and was happy and looking forward to reconnecting now that I am whole again / free of everything I was dealing with when I couldn’t handle him. I took his response to mean that lines of communication are open. I answered back, and put forward my own very simple question (about his work) but have not heard from him since. That was four days ago, and I am now, once more confused.
I will leave him to his own pace, and not require / request that he speak if he doesn’t want to / isn’t ready / isn’t able. I am trying to create space for safe friendship because I do believe he is an extraordinary individual, but we were ill-timed for all things. Though I wish I had the ability to discuss things with him rather than having to cut him off five months ago, I very simply could not.
I am confused. I don’t know what else to do but wait, and hope that I did not do irreparable damage when I tried to self-preserve and not be harmed. I know I didn’t handle it well, but it was the best that I could do under those circumstances.
Not sure what I am hoping to hear from people, so any advice, and all reflections welcome.
Apologies that this is so long. Thank you for reading.