Hi - first time posting here so I'm not sure if this is in the correct forum as it's related to substance misuse as well as anxiety. My name is Mike and I'm recently 25 years old.
Firstly - I'm not sure where my anxiety comes from or why I suffer from it. It was an issue for me as a child, especially social situations and only intensified as I got older, to the point where I literally developed fear of absolutely anything I'm uncertain about or anything which makes me uncomfortable (e.g. If I'm walking through town and there are loads of pigeons, I'll often spend an extra 10 minutes walking to get around them as they make me nervous!). Between the age of 17 & 20, I had a girlfriend which was good for me, however due to my anxiety the relationship was ruined and I decided I needed a way to deal with it. Due to the depression and anxiety after we split up, I felt incredibly alone although I was surrounded by people and tried to take my own life. After this, I started to smoke cannabis but not regularly, as it made me feel a hundred times better.
Unfortunately this developed into more of a habit and since then I've smoked it almost every day for 3 years, with only little breaks inbetween (normally only when I couldn't afford to smoke it). To stop myself from getting hurt again, I decided to put on a front as though I genuinely don't care about anything and decided that I wanted to try and kill my emotions as I don't know how to deal with them. Before smoking cannabis, I was subject to irrational anger, severe depression and anxiety so bad I wouldn't leave the house. After now smoking it for years and fronting for so long, I feel more lost than I ever did. Being sober is incredibly difficult as I get caught up in my mind about the decisions I've made, the friends I've lost and I feel like I have years of emotions to try and catch up on and deal with but it gets far too intense.
Due to smoking, being reclusive for so long and quite frankly - being a bit of a dick to people just to stop myself getting hurt, I've lost all self-respect that I ever had and a lot of other people have lost respect for me too, I used to be easy to get along with when I first started smoking but since then, I've become so intolerant of people which makes it difficult for me to speak to people and makes it a lot more difficult to deal with anxiety. I'm trying to quit smoking at the moment and although I'm not finding it so difficult not to smoke - I feel it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to rebuild my life and work out who I am again because I'm constantly angry/depressed. I was a person who meant well and wanted to do some good work on this planet, however I've already lost 3 jobs this year due to anxiety and so it's time for me to deal with this properly. At the moment, I get VERY stressed in public places when shopping etc. which causes me to sweat, which in turn makes me angry because it's a horrible feeling and then I find I'm very narky and generally not a very pleasant person and so my actions/words don't always represent the person I want to be.
I have been to counselling sessions to try and manage this however I still found talking to difficult - this is why I've come to a forum because I don't know where else to turn. It's difficult enough to get an appointment with my GP and when I'm able to get one, he just nods as I speak, gives me another Sertraline prescription (which I've been taking for over a month and don't feel different) and then I leave, feeling a little bit disheartened and still with no clue of what to do.
Ever since I decided to put on a front, I've been incredibly harsh on myself and my own thoughts, to the point where I'd begin to smoke cannabis even before going into work to start my shift to kill the thoughts so I could make it through the day without screaming, wanting to break down or wanting to kill somebody. Due to this, my counsellor told me that my "cognitive filter" doesn't seem to recognise any good in myself and I never accept compliments, however I don't see how there can be any good in me? I've failed this year in 3 jobs that years ago I performed well in, no problem. I've sat on my backside for many years smoking cannabis and building a social camoflauge, I've lost contact with a lot of family and just generally feel like I've missed out on the past 3 years of my life. All of this is heightening my anxiety and although I'm only 25, I feel like I'm running out of time to get this sorted. My depression levels are increasing because everybody close to me is moving on with their life and becoming "adults" whereas I still feel like a child who needs to be cared for and I feel like before I know it, I'll be in this same position at the age of 40.
I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking for, this is all just so confusing to me right now and I haven't got a clue what to do, feel, who to talk to and how to manage my emotions properly. Has anybody else gone/going through anything similar?
Thanks and sorry for the massive post. 