Apologies for the long post. I guess this is a half question/half story. But I’m concerned about my spouse’s mental health and I’m not sure what to do. At this point, he refuses to seek professional help. He has a family history of bipolar but has not been diagnosed. I know that posting here is not a substitute for seeking mental health care, but I’m really trying to make sense of this since I, unfortunately, can’t make him get help. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar? I just feel so lost and am in so much pain. I love him so much and just want to make things better for everyone. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare…
I’ve been separated from my husband for two months now (together for 13 years, married for five). He began a new, high-stress job at the end of September and around the same time, his grandmother (who basically raised him while his mother worked) became very ill. It’s at this time that I noticed a personality change in him. Fast forward to the beginning of November–we had a fight–I’m still not sure about what–that ended in him wanting a divorce. I was totally blindsided. We were having intimacy issues (I chalked that up to stress and both of us being tired from our workdays), but otherwise, we had a good marriage. Spent lots of time together, talked all the time, ate dinner together every night, went on trips together, he took me out of town for my birthday a few days before our fight, wrote “I love you!” on my birthday card, etc. During this fight he told me that he never loved me, always knew our marriage would fail, and only did nice things for me to convince himself that he loved me.
Since our separation–which was entirely his choice–he’s essentially been gaslighting me, according to my therapist. Basically making me feel like I’m an abusive monster who doesn’t deserve love or sex. I’ve also caught him in lies (e.g. he told me that our marriage counselor told him that his and my relationship is the “most (explicit-ed) up she’s ever seen.” Turns out she said nothing of the sort and was horrified that he’d tell me that). There’s much more, but hopefully, that provides some context. I truly don’t know where this is coming from. I’m definitely not perfect, but therapy has taught me not to buy into his perception of me.
I’m very concerned about his mental health. This is not the kind, supportive, fantastic man I married. I feel like he’s an entirely different person. Not only do I feel this way, but his family, my family, and our friends feel this way, too. It’s like everyone else sees there’s something wrong except for him. His family has been trying to get him to see a mental health professional, but he’s very reluctant. Currently, he refuses to see me because “our situation is difficult,” I’m “so much a part of his pain,” he’s “doing everything he can to keep it together,” etc. He also refuses to talk about our situation with me in any capacity, which really hurts me. All of this really hurts me.
Some more possibly relevant points: he’s mentioned hallucinating before; stated that he’s “losing his mind”; thinks he knows everything about everything but simultaneously admits to having “inadequacy issues”; is rather condescending; has difficulty concentrating and moves from “project to project” without completing anything; stated that he feels like he’s “moving underwater,” and has mentioned being both incredibly anxious and depressed. There are more, but these are some things that immediately come to mind.