I am so all over the place just now it's really not funny. I wore myself into exhaustion and depression trying to help my gf through post natal depression...Just to have her leave me right when I needed her most. The whole thing forced me to look back and figure out how I got it all so wrong.
That process has taught me more about myself in the last month than I ever have and the biggest thing is I'm finally being assessed for aspergers.
That one thing has had me high as a kite as everything makes sense and I have answers to how I acted in certain situations and how I could get it so wrong with the ex...And then the downer of realising it's a bit late now in my current situation and even if I did come out and say "this is why I couldn't talk" its nothing more than a lame excuse now. The frustration of having all these answers and have everything make sense for the first time ever and it's all to late is indescribable.
It really has put me into a tail spin. Before I had anger, a real sense of betrayal, being left behind, confusion and frustrated that I didn't have answers she wanted. Now I have the answer and I can see how I've adapted and coped to enable me to get on in life being nothing more than a bit odd and as I can see that now I can adapt more. My sister put it best, it's like you've been signing your favourite song all your life and you've just been handed the lyrics for the first time. You find you've been singing the wrong words all this time but your song makes so much more sense now.
..and it is worth absolutely nothing now. To much, to late. Joy.
Does your ex know about this? Could it be possible she would rethink her decision to leave if she knew?
Yes, sort of. As we have a child together it has been important to us to find some way to remain friends at least for him. Parents apart is bad enough but parents apart and fighting is way worse. We both come from that sort of background and don't want that for him. Because of that we have been trying to talk things out so there's less anger or grudges for the future. I brought up the subject of aspergers and explained that as a result I may have to take time to think. That not answering straight away isn't a reluctance to talk, it's I need time to process, get the words, sort them out then speak. The best way to describe it is when you've been out with friends or at work and your all just talking and having a laugh. Then on your way home hours later you think up something really funny or meaningful and think "i wish I said that" its to late to go back and say it now as they won't have a clue what your on about and you'll just look random. I get that all the time for the daftest of things.lol
While I was explaining that I could see her almost jumping to the conclusion that this was a convenient excuse.
And I missed a whole bit in there. I meant sort o told her because I don't think I've told her how big a deal this thing is for me. I also didn't tell her that I'm almost certain now I know how I adapted and dealt with life in the past I can be better at adapting now...if that makes sense
Then why don't you write her a letter? Then yoou can reread it over and over and make adjustments to ensure you have said all you want to say. I think writing letters is one of the best and most effective ways to communicate when things really mean a lot to you.
It's funny you should suggest a letter. Writing a letter was one of the things that tipped me off and made me ask myself why I am the way I am. The problem was after she read the letter she wanted to talk and any argument she made was "off script" for me so that didn't go to well. I liken myself to a stunned goldfish when I get stumped and that's what she got.
The big frustration with her is I really don't think she gets how damaged she's left me. While I gave her good reason to walk away she's not totally blameless in it. We both pushed each other away and I took the job of helping out a bit to literally instead of actually supporting her properly. She got herself a new social life and didn't hesitate to grab it and leave me holding the baby. And now she's more back to her old self she's just done. The hilarious bit is I was in her position over a year ago with the same desicion. Stand by her and help or move on? I made a different choice and boy it cost me big time.
And I went a bit off on one there. Sorry. Just typing it out helps a bit though. This sort of stuff is something I'll have to deal with and probably eventually talk to her about but it's back to the "if I'd only said that" scenario. At least I'd get it off my chest but how much damage will saying it all now do when it's to late to really achieve anything? :s
One positive is it's another thing learned and I can adapt so when I do get better and have moved on I won't be quite as all in unless I know the other person is all in with me. And I also know talk more or at least write a letter before a letter of explanation is needed.
Thank you for replying by the way 
I appreciate your time and insight