Hello Cherie
I am so sorry that you are feeling so dreadful.
I used to take Venlafaxine for years, and it certainly helped me at the time.
Please don't just stop taking it - it gives you all the symptoms that you describe - brain zaps being the worst, in my experience, and the rebound depression is awful, too. If you want to stop it, I think you should think about tailing it off very gradually, preferably with some medical supervision. However, although it worked at the beginning, and doesn't seem to be working so well now, maybe you actually need a higher dose, or perhaps the slow release version, at a higher dose.
I also find that trying to hide it all is so utterly exhausting ... putting on a normal face is such hard work, and even doing simple things, such as washing your hair, putting on some lipstick, doing the washing, putting out the trash, is so wearing that it is almost beyond consideration.
May I offer some suggestions?
Write dowm a short list each day, of what you hope to achieve, and then cut it in half. Try to do those tasks, and don't beat yourself up if you can't get there. If you just manage one thing, then tell yourself that you have done well. You have.
However much you love your boyfriend, and however supportive he is in other ways, from what you wrote it seems that he doesn't necessarily understand very much about your depression.
That doesn't meant that he isn't right for you, or that there is anything wrong with him, or with your relationship with him, it is just that people who have never experienced depression often find it difficult to empathise with people that suffer from it;
It might be a good idea to find a professional counsellor, if you can afford one, or can bear to wait long enough to see one on the NHS, or whatever health system operates where you live.
I think writing to this site can be a great help, in the same sort of way. So many of the replies to posts are written by people who seem to have a deep understanding of the illness, and there is so much empathy and compassion that comes through in their words.
I don't know much about it, but do you think the skin picking may be due to the same feelings that caused you to cut yourself?
You don't say how old you are, but I suspect quite young ... the spots and hair loss might be hormonal, or endocrine, and this might be worth discussing with your doctor. it could be that you have an underlying health problem - it just sounds a little strange to me that you should have spots and unusual hair growth or loss, without an underlying reason. I would definitely approach your doctor with this at the forefront, and then perhaps go on to discuss your increased depression.
As for your hair loss - if you have the money to pay for it, or can ask for it as an un- birthday present from a friend, perhaps think about getting some Vitamin E pills, and also some really good quality shampoo and conditioner.
I had breast cancer last year, and as a result of the treatment my hair and skin became very dry and sparse. Most of my hair fell out, but having taken Vitamin E, and having used Aussie hair products, what has grown back is pretty good in terms of condition and springiness!
Having good skin and healthy hair is really good for your confidence - which is clearly at a low ebb for you at the moment.
Don't forget to try to eat properly, and to drink plenty of water. If you can face going for a walk, for example, the exercise increases your endorphin levels, making you feel heaps better, if only for a little while, and the change of scene and fresh air will help too.
I find that sometimes it is so difficult to overcome the inertia and fears that the illness creates, that it is difficult to go out at all, but if you can overcome this, the benefits are really noticable. I am very fortunate to have an understanding man, and also a particular girlfriend who is very practical, and tends to lure me out on little expeditions when I am feeling really low, and it helps so very much.
It may be that you might benefit from changing to a different antidepressant, although clearly on this matter you musr be guided by your doctor.
For the last six months I have been taking Sertraline - which is an SSRI, quite similar to Venlafaxine - and now I have become used to it, I don't really have any significant side effects. I have found it to be really effective at reducing anxiety, as well as improving mood. As with you, if I forget to take it for a couple of days, I feel dreadful, though I get better again pretty quickly once I start to take it again.
I am so sorry that you feel that nobody listens to you, and also that you are sufferng so much, especially during the night. The night can be such a lonely, frightening place, and you can feel so terribly alone with your thoughts.
I hope so much that my reply to your letter makes you feel a little better, and more positive.
No-one deserves to feel as miserable as you do, and you must always bear in mind that under the depression is a lovely girl, just needing a bit of a boost to escape from the trap of depression, and that girl is YOU.
Take care; it WILL get better eventually, and in the meantime I shall be thinking of you, and sending you positive thoughts. xxx