Hello there
How really horrible for you.
You have my sympathy, as I have suffered from unipolar depression for forty years or more, since childhood.
It sounds as if you presently have a severe episode of a major depressive disorder.
Suicidal ideations are a very real and very frightening part of the disease, and it very important that you seek help as a matter of some urgency.
Assuming that you are writing from the UK, and that your GP's surgery is closed over the weekend, I would suggest that you ring 111.
The people that man the 111 lines seem trained for, and able to cope with most things that come their way. If they can't find a suitable doctor to help you over the weekend, then at least they will be able to listen to your fears, and they are available 24 hours a day.
Once Monday arives, I think it is important that you make an appointment to see your GP asap. When you phone the receptionist or triage nurse, say that it is urgent. Don't be afraid to do this, as it IS urgent. Your present issues are no less so than anyone else that phones the surgery on Monday, and probably far more so - stay focussed on that, and don't take no for an answer.
In the short term, there are things that you can do to help yourself.
The first you have already undertaken - by contacting this forum, you have opened contact with so many other past and present depressive people, who will be able to empathise with your condition far more easily than most people from the population who have never experienced the illness.
It also implies that you have insight into what is happening to you, and that you still have the inner strength to fight back!
Other approaches that may help you are for you to tackle the very basic things of life, which can sometimes seem insurmountably difficult when you are ill in this way.
Try to eat properly, even if yu have no interest in food.
Try to make sure thay you are drinking enough water or clear fluids - it is easy to forget to do this when preoccupied with depression, and even mild dehydration makes you feel a whole lot worse. Perhaps put some water in hte fridge, and then try to remind yourself to drink a cup of water for each hour of the day.
And, if you can bear to do this, if you can get a little gentle exercise each day, such as going out in the fresh air for a short walk, then you will release natural endorphins that at least in the short term will make you feel better.
You might even find that you are able to appreciate a little bit of nature, which will help to cheer you a little, even though it is so difficult to appreciate anything like that when you are so low.
Set yourself one small target a day to do. Try to achieve it, but don't beat yourself up if your find that you retired under the covers instead. Tell yourself how well you have done if you manage to achieve it, even though you might not believe yourself. If you can gain some control over your environment, it will make you feel far better, and more able to cope than if you just roll over, and let it take over.
Wash your hair, have a bath with some smellies in it, do your nails, brush your teeth, change your bed ... if you can do just one of these today, you will feel better, and tomorrow, if you decide to take on another task, it will seem easier.
I know that it can be almost impossible to generate the energy and enthusiasm to do these things, but they are important for your sense of well being.
In other words - don't give in to it, don't give up, keep fighting it.
Did you know that Winston Churchill sufered from sever depression? He coined the expression 'the Black Dog is back', and used to say of his illness 'when the going gets tough, keep going'. There were no anti-depressants in his day, so he must have been going through hell, but he still managed to run the country well enough to win WW2.
If you have family, a partner, friends or anyone else that maybe a support to you - now is the time to draw on their love and ability to help you.
Please, please speak to someone asap about your suicidal thoughts.
I shall be thinking of you, and I shall keep an eye on this site to see how you are getting on.
Take very good care,
Best wishs
Manda x
I can understand that you would feel that you 'can't carry on living like this', but I think that you have to tell yourself that you will get better. And you will, although it may take a while.