Vent of an lost human in life, where to next?

Mental health
1

I am 'ray'. I turn 24 this month. I just came to vent. For years I have read these kinds of posts and wondered how it felt to just put a story out there, if it would relieve them or make them feel in a feeling they haven't felt. I am writing this on impulse.Part of me want to and the other don't, it feels that I am just sinking and sinking in life and it won't get any better. I just feel lonely, sad, angry and many other things. Since I am just venting things may not be in any chronological order and you may confused but anyways.

My childhood made me who I am today, or that's what I think and I am absolutely sure it has to be why I am so messed up. I wonder sometimes if this is just a safe thought for me instead of getting on with life.

In short: we are four children, two brothers and two sisters and our parents. My mom has been sick since we were young but I didnt know it til years later, she had schizophrenia. There were times she had that murderous face on her and I would freak out and wouldn't sleep at night if I heard she was awake in fear she was going to murder any of us. There was not so much love in my family. Everyone would argue or fight, throwing tantrum all the time. Neighbours walking past our balcony looking in to see what's going on as i try to stop my bigger brother beating my little sister. Or my mom acusing my father having an affair with his brothers wife. Or coming from school and looking at my mom with a blackened eye and scarred lips.

Or my angry father who was always cold to us, he never opens up to any on us but he is always on skype with his brothers and it makes us furious every single time. When i say something simple to him, It usually means that I have just gone over in my head for at least 10-20 minutes what do say to him just because I wanted to talk to him.

My other sister ran away from home at the age of 13-14 and i was 15 or 16. All this with my mom and dad issues was not good at all, I understand her though, she wanted to get out. Get a better life.

She came back a few months but went again and this continued for 2-3 years til she went permenantly because of an arab boy she wanted to marry which she did and they are having their third child and our culture is against this and my father wasn't having this and never wanted to see her again. We haven't spoken to her for years, she only has contact with my younger sister which I am thankful for. Sometimes I wonder if i should reconnect with her, but this thought is selfish because the major reason I want to reconnect with her is that I think It would do me good.

I was always the quietest of us, and I wish I wasn't because it disturbs me in my life today in every aspects, I never say no I just let people do as they please, I can never counter back what someone just said to me and I just laugh with them.

At 16 I had an injury with my eye. I got a nail in my left eye and it made me about 90% blind. Now this didnt disturb me other then my eye turned black instead of brown of what i have on my normal eye. But after some years it started drifting outwards and my god was i feeling like a monster. I remember my brother told me to 'press' at the eye to see if it would go to the middle and it sounded so stupid i knew he was embarresed of having a brother with lazy eye. At school i usually was the loud and funny one but after the injury i dont know what happened..I just switched off and have been like that since. I started looking down and not looking at peoples eyes. I started avoiding people. I hated taking photos because i looked weird. Instead of being the funny guy i just started sitting quietly in my seat. And if i was allowed by the teacher to not present during any lesson, i would take the chans and go home and play counter strike. Which i also accuse of bringing my social life to drain. My brother got me this game while i was hospitalized and the doctors said it was good if i play to getting my eye accostumed to colors. I played this day and night then it went to online games and ignoring calls and friends while playing i lost my friends and missed out on my teen life. I still ignore them in public, im embarresed and out of fear because why would they talk to me?

Things at home started getting better when my mother got diagnosed with schizoprenia and was given medicin, she was tired but happy.

But i remained the same as always. moving on in life as everything goes chronollogicly but in my mind and body i was the same insecure,sad person who sometimes wanted to end my life.

It feels as my whole life til now has gone to waste trying to 'fix' myself. I just want to be a happy loving person and take life as a chilling or adventurous pill. I have this hate inside my i cant get rid of, i sometimes despise when my mother hugs me. It's like i dont have any love for her but even though i think i love her,maybe not as a mom because she never was a mom to us.

Every day i have these existential questionings. I dont know who I am. I just dont know. I am frustrated at this point that at times, i just want to cry as i want to right now.

The people i know are my family, my uncles family, coworkers, and one childhood friend. They say I am different, uniq in way, ot like others. They say I am calm and never get angry. They say i get along with everyone.  But i dont feel this way at all. Im anxious the whole day and acting insecure with no confidence at all, i am this little person. They say i look good. They say i look fit. I have never had a girlfriend but yet kissed a girl once and thats it. I can't communicate any longer with people as well as i did before.

Today i am going to a shrink once a week trying out KBT, doing meditations sometimes and thinking of picking up yoga. I dont know why but all these spiritual existential activites makes me wonder more about life but i also like doing these activites.

Can anyone relate to this? Still being lost in the mid 20's?insecure and depressed? I would love to hear and chat with all of you who does.

I have so much i want to say but i've been writing for an hour usually i am a perfectionist at everything i do but i wont go over any misspelled words or making this text shorter. Maybe in an next vent.

Cheers

 

2

Well I am also in my mid 20s.. But I have to say, you seem like an amazing person. I can't imagine going through life like you did and still ending up caring and trying to better yourself. You should feel great about yourself just from the story you've told us all. That takes a lot of courage to express so many details and not be ashamed or scared to talk about them.

Don't ever try to "fix" yourself.. It sounds like you are great the way you are and if people can't see that then shame on them..

Have you ever just thought of having a night of "whatever happens, happens"? Ignore everything else but what you have dreamed of doing forever and had never done.. Force yourself to go out with friends or family, force yourself to dress up and make yourself feel good.

How is meditation? I've always wanted to try it but never really knew if it worked. Id also like to try yoga but i feel like I'm not flexible for all of that lol

3

Hello there ray

I read your post through several times before deciding what I should to say to you.It made for sad reading

There is no doubt you had a taumatic upbringing and for that I am sorry. You appear to have lost your way in life. But the fact that you have reached out, and I'm glad you did, indicates a desire for a change for the better.

Personally I see nothing selfish in re-connecting with your sister. She is after all your sister and if seeing her helps you then that is an added bonus!

If you feel you would enjoy and benefit from yoga and other such activities then go for it. You need a focus in life. Something to concentrate upon, to look forward to.

Do you have any hobbies, interests? Because you need a direction in your life. You are young, life has much to offer but you have to take that first step and reach out for it. We all need a purpose in life. You just need to find out what would make you happier.

And you can do it, ray. Indecision is anxiety inducing and depressing.

Others say you are calm and never angry but I would imagine there is surpressed anger in you because of your past. If there is, you have to let that go. It will only hurt you. It won'd redress any wrongs. It won't alter anything. It will merely make you sad and bitter.

It's easy for me to say don't look back upon your childhood. But we cannot change the past dear. We can only accept it for what it was then put it behind us. It is today that matters and what we make of our future that is important.

Little things can make a huge difference to our physical and mental well being.

I hope I haven't overstepped the mark in my frank comments. I think you have a lot going for you only your lack of confidence is holding you back. Donmt let it. I would imagine you have much to offer and as I say, you are young with a whole life before you

Make the most of it

And I send best wishes to you

4

Hi anxietysite123,I have read through your words now about 15-20 times because it actually does make me feel good to hear feedback from people other then my shrink. Much appreciated. I understand your message overall and thank you for your warm words. There are many activities  I would like to do but i just don't get around to do them. Many things remains as dreams to me at this moment and if i cant or dont have time for them, i blame it on work or life. I wish i could ignore many things, hopefully i will one day too because today it feels like i am the main attraction of the cirus. And i can't get around that thought as it goes with me the whole day, to work, at work and after work. However, it happens 3-5 times a month i feel so overjoyed sometimes i am actually happy with where i am at and even though it is rare and i dont know what draws forth that energy out of me, thats why i started meditation and i have only positive things to say about it. I feel relaxed and calm for a maximum of 1 h after the session then it goes back to normal but that's where practice comes in i guess and i suck at it hah. Yoga just seems in that direction for me that i just must do, you know.

Thanks again man or woman reading through my vent and replying. Have a nice evening.

5

Are you on meds? I was stuck in a rut of literally counting my HR 4 times an hour every single hour for around 3 months (severe health anxiety) and meds have helped so much. Well.... Mostly helped haha.

6

I'm not a fan of meds. I have been on citalopram for depression, it didnt do me anything. I took atarax for anxiety and that didnt help me either. Do you remember the name of your med, so I can look it up?

 

7

Hi Helen, I totally agree with you. It's like I knew this as well but I never put the information to use. I have thought about foocusing on things I only see value of.  I know that I should get a hobby/ies, which I have/want more of but with anxiety I am having a hard time having fun doin these hobbies. I panick when playing a videogame thinking that I should be doing something more valueable then playing. This continues and the day ends with not being in the here and now with myself but absorbed with my mind. Currently thinking of picking up a new pshyical activity and a drivers license, yay!

I am trying to be nicer to myself and some days it works, some not so much but I believe too that small things mades a difference to us if we stop and think about them.

Thank you Helen for your comments, and they did not overstep any marks in my bok. Have a great day.

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Hi ray

I picked up on the fact that you mentioned " I panic when                    playing a video game "

For two reasons;

Video games are stimulating brain function wise

You feel guilty thinking you should utilise your time in more important things than playing a game

If you enjoy video games then why not? But in all things moderation, okay? Over stimulation results in stress and anxiety and we all know where that leads, don't we?

It's wonderful you are getting a driver's license and I applaud you. Being able to drive opens the doors to freedom. Other than that it will channel your thoughts away from yourself and your fears and worries

I cannot commend physical activity enough. When we are anxious our body floods with adrenalin, the fight or flight rush, which often results in panic or feeling ill, faint, heart pounding ad so on and so forth...the best way to rid the body of it is through excercise

If you can, try to break your day up, if you can understand that?  No sitting for hours playing videoa games, no sitting slumped in front of the tv. Every hour try to fill that hour with different things. It's about movement and occupation

:Lastly don't be so hard on yourself, okay? You have literally survived a horrendous upbringing, if you will forgive me saying so? You were an innocent bystander growing up. Now is the time to concentrate upon yourself. Be kind to yourself ray, you have earned that right. The past was beyond your control but the future is yours to shape

Hugs from Helen

9

I'm on buspar right now. I was on citalopram and it was awful. She moved me to one specifically for anxiety. This one works rather well most days, but I still have days where I just have my mind on repeat. I think a bit of OCD.. Zoloft is also supposed to be great, I've heard many good things about that one. I may give that one a try my next Dr appt.

10

Hi

Okay, not gonna lie. When I play videogames I play for hours straight just because i'm so engaged sometimes with it but other times I want to get 'there' as fast as possible and that's another panic or stress thing, I dont know. But I only play when I absolutely have time, and that is all we have, right?(feeling philosophical tonight and trying to convince myself).

I do actually workout everyday with bodyweight at the moment and you are right, it feels different after a good workout.

It's hard being nice to myself during the day when anxiety/depression makes me angry and confused with oneself. But I still find times I feel like I am hyped but that's only when I have done something good and feel like I have this 'flow' and that energy goes away after 10 minutes to maybe last the whole night. But then I wake up and having all negative thoughts, ' do I really have to go to work?' this and that and I pick myself up and get with they day.. I do want to change my attitude and my enviroment. But my dreams of living in nature with myself will have to wait, or is this just a escapee thought of my?

Still trying to shape myself.

´Huge thanks Helen, have a great night!

11

Hello there, ray,

Well you said it yourself, " I want to get there as fast as possible " when playing video games, lol

Talk about over stimulation..sigh...and I'm not sure playing video games for hours on end  induces calm either...quite the opposite I should imagine

Anxiety and depression during the day is dependant upon mind set. You say you wake and think, Do I really have to go to work today? That sets the day off on the wrong foot straight away

Do you hate your job that much? Or is it just negative thinking? Are there no positives concerning your job? Social interaction at work is vital, as well is satisfaction in doing something well, a matter or pride

You need to revaluate your concerns regarding yor job. Look hard at the good points, the bad points and weight it all up. If you can find what you dislike about it, can changes then be made?

Ah, we all escape into daydreams. Imagination is a wonderful avenue of escaping the humdrum.  Hope is our lifeline when we are drowning. Having goals we want to reach gives us something to reach for. If we never fully fullfill our dreams then that's not the important thing. The importance lies in their existance. Without goals we slump into mediocrity, which in itself is depressing

It's difficult, I know, to attempt to turn negativity into positivity, ray. Especially if you carry the baggage from your past. Shed the past. Life starts here and now. It is up to you to shape your future

Have faith. You can do this. You are so young! Don't let the years slip by sunk in negativity. Take hold of your own future. You will not regret it

Hugs from Helen