hey all. I just need to rant, Im getting so frustrated. also I apologise for the lengthy post. So it all started when I had my daughter nearly 16 years ago. I had some weird pain in my muscle area on my stomach. Didn't think much of it. After my daughter was born I had like a golf ball size lump in my stomach. had it checked out, doctor told me it was an umbilical hernia and it will go away itself. It never did. I was too embarrassed to go to the doctors about it. I used to push it in and hope for the best. it would never stay there would pop back out again. I've always struggled with my weight I guess. I comfort eat and I just have this really unhealthy relationship with food. One day when I was at work I had this pain in my stomach. Tried pushing my hernia back in, it wouldn't go. Tried to stay calm. Anyway I ended up calling the out of hours doctors then by some miracle it popped back in. Called them back to say its ok I've managed to sort it. So decided from then on I really needed to get this sorted. Took me another 3 months. Finally relieved I'd done the hardest part. I waited 4 months for any referral letter during which time I had to buy an abdominal belt as it was that big and heavy also you could see it through my clothes. it was embarrassing. It actually turned out my doctor forgot to refer me. Last year I eventually got a letter to go for an ultra sound, then I had to go for another appointment and then finally I had the surgical pre assessment in April last year. I was told I would receive my surgery date in a few weeks. I was so relieved that after so long this was getting sorted. Few weeks later I received a letter with my surgery date 17th September 2019 bit gutted it was so far away but that would probably come round fast. Meanwhile im thinking I cant wait to get rid of this abdominal binder, also the hernia caused me more pain I just took some strong painkillers and got on with it. So the part that frustrated me the most was I received another letter 2 weeks before my supposed surgery date saying that because my weight was quite bad the appointment wasn't for my surgery it was to meet my surgeon and discuss everything. I decided to start weight loss. Ordered some juice plus shakes. I was weighed and he'd worked out I'd lost 3 bmi points or whatever. Had an appointment for a ct scan to get a better look at the hernia and best course of action. Waited another 4 weeks for my surgeon to get back to me after ct scan. Phone call from my surgeon was that I had lost muscle tone and possibly he would have to inject botox into my stomach. He said he was going to consult the team in Newcastle with the best course of action. So I hear nothing from my surgeon (i get they are very busy) till after Christmas this year. I received another letter saying the team in Newcastle had advised the best course of action is for me to reduce my bmi to around 30 meters per square inch (head scratches) basically i have to loose about 7stone. Deflated is an understatement. I thought how am I going to lose that? I then ended up with pneumonia. managed to lose a stone. Went to see my surgeon who weighs me every time I go. I was the same weight last time I saw him. Great 🙄 So obviously lock down happened. Got some juice plus shakes as they worked last time. did everything tracked my calories, ate healthy exercised and drank more water. My hernia actually felt lighter (im not sure how it did 😂) had another telephone consultation. Sent me another appointment September this year. 1 year after my first appointment and nearly 2 years since I actually got the ball rolling to get this hideous thing sorted. Except there was something different about this letter. It was to see the surgical nurse, a surgical pre assessment. I'd figured my surgeon had got sick of seeing me and thought its time to get this surgery done. Went to my appointment, getting weighed you know the usual drama 🙄 only to see my surgeon. Oh man 🙄 I mean im grateful hes doing this but surely he's sick of me as much as I'm sick of him. The weight id thought I'd been losing during lock down wasn't actually lost 🤦♀️ I'd not lost anything. I wanted to cry, in fact I did. This hernia had been causing me so much pain. Its hard to describe, obviously I used to push it back in. Well its like at some point it had got twisted or something. I actually watched what it did, so the defect is at the top under my diaphragm thats where it protrudes out from. except when I think it gets stuck it doesn't it gets stuck, im sorry if that was too much. My surgeon didn't seem to care, I would go to work and from around 10 and say the pain from my hernia started i would be in pain till I got home around 8pm, I take cocodamol. Was also sent for another ct scan 🤦♀️ Letter from my surgeon stated the hernia hadn't shrunk any and was still the same size as previously. I've lied about what I'm having surgery for because im so embarrassed its massive. I go swimming with work and I've had to wear my abdominal binder due to it sticking out so much. I look 9 months pregnant. I cant wear anything nice because anything too tight you can see it. I just wear baggy clothes. It started causing me so much pain every time I pushed it in that I stopped doing it. I literally cannot, it hurts. I've had to buy myself a new binder just to make it more comfortable. My sex life is affected as I dont want to get undressed its just so hideous. I cant stand my partner going near my stomach. I wont get undressed in front of my partner. Its actually making me so depressed. I just have no self confidence whatsoever. I'll catch my reflection in a window or a car and I see it under my tshirt and it just deflates me. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to sort the unhealthy relationship I have with food. I have a really bad sweet tooth. Basically I need to lose the weight so there's less chance of the operation failing. I understand what he's saying, I'm just finding it so hard to lose the weight. I just needed to rant and if anyone else has been where I am? apologies again for the big rant.