I have been very unwell physically for a very long time, getting much worse over the past month, worse still over the past week, and more rapidly/urgently worse over the past few days. I have been diagnosed with Eustachian Tube Dysfunction (and have an infection in my nose currently), and have recently (last Thursday) been put on blood pressure/heart tablets but am still waiting on a proper diagnosis of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome - my cardiologist told me it could take at least six months for me to get in to John Hunter Hospital to get the tilt table test that will confirm or deny this diagnosis. I am feeling very sick. I have a terrible feeling of unbearable pressure in my ears, nose, and head, which nothing can get rid of. I have been to the hospital after fainting on Thursday, all that was done was an X-ray on my arm due to hurting myself a while ago, and blood tests were done and all they found was low potassium (on top of already diagnosed low iron and low white blood cells). I was told the emergency room is for severe things like car accidents and heart attacks, not to come just because I felt sick. Even though I fainted, and it wasn't even me who called the ambulance, it was called by a Health Direct nurse. I keep getting thoughts that this isn't real... that this isn't my real life, and that I am either in a torture simulation, or in hell, or a coma, or that I am dying and this is a fake reality I made up to cope with what is really happening - drowning, I suspect, due to how I feel. I keep seeing signs... like things keep showing up, things regarding hell, simulations, things like that, all the time, which makes me feel like they are hints as to what is really happening. I have friends who think it's a funny joke to post that thing which is basically a post saying "wake up, you are in a coma, and have been for years, this is me trying to get through to your subconscious". I used to dismiss it as a joke but it keeps coming up more and more often and I just can't see it as a coincidence any more. It is extremely unsettling. I just don't know what to do. I keep feeling like my only way out is to end my life... and when I do, I will wake up normal, no longer in agony like this, no longer causing so much suffering for my family like this. The signs that this isn't real are just too many and I don't know how to ignore them any more. It's just too hard, there are so many roadblocks in the way of me getting help - like a six month wait to get a tilt table test, or like... or example, computers being down at a clinic so appointments have to be canceled... or the people performing tests keep getting sick so they can't come into work on my appointment... or having to go to hospital at the exact moment when it will be the most full with waiting patients... or my blood pressure being totally PERFECT when doctors test it, less than half an hour after it being too low or too high... or finally being given steroid spray for my nose only to have it not help, only clearing my nose for a moment (and I can only have it once a day)... or wheezing audibly, all day long, until a doctor checks with a stethoscope, then it's totally clear. Or even little things, like finding a helpful result on Google and then lightning strikes and my whole town is out of power until the next day. I worry that there is no way out of this. Ever. I have a terrifying thought that it is possible to live forever, in agony. For eternity. I used to not believe, but I believe in hell now and I am scared that I am there - after all, what better form of torture is there than a terrifying illness that cannot be properly pinpointed or treated? I don't know what to do. I have considered going to psych ward due to my scary thoughts, but I have been treated very poorly there in the past. My family do not want me to go because of past experiences (abuse) in a public psych ward, and I have just found out my private health insurance, which I purchased over a year ago, will not fully cover going to a private psych ward. My family keep telling me they will not respect that I have a physical illness and will treat me as though I am fully healthy, even though right now I cannot even sit up without a dizzy spell and instant head pain, which can turn into a migraine that lasts a long time. All I want at the moment is for the pressure and dizziness to stop, but I can't even figure out what to ask for - my last idea, steroid nasal spray, turned out to be a heartbreaking disappointment, and I need to wait months to see an ENT to even ask if I can get any sort of surgery. If I can't stop that... at least I'd like to stop the idea that something worse, that something not natural or scientific, is happening to me. I don't know how to stop that thought and it sends me panicking every time it creeps in. Is there any way they can help me with that, in psych? I have taken Serequel and Valium and still get panic attacks and these thoughts. Another clue that this isn't real, is that these medications don't even calm me down! I should also add that I have been self harming recently - causing deep scratches in my wrists and arms. I don't plan on it, it just happens and I don't regret it until I'm already finished, then I feel so ashamed and I know I've doomed myself to not being taken seriously in the physical health department when I show up with cut up arms.
A quick addition… I have noticed I feel an immediate anxiety attack upon consuming media about, or having thoughts on, things that aren’t completely pure. For example, non-straight thoughts (I am bisexual, not out), I get an immediate “death wave” and the feeling I am being punished because of these thoughts. The same with consuming media on witchcraft- TV shows like Charmed, for example. I never used to believe in things like this, except during my Christian childhood, and even then I never felt bad watching shows like Charmed. But now I do, I haven’t even watched the new season yet.
I get the terrible thought that I am in hell or being punished because I allowed myself to not be completely straight. Because I willingly let myself have feelings I shouldn’t have had, and because I felt no proper shame for it until now, I am closeted because I know my family will be sad, they have said they would not disown me but they would be sad if “hypothetically” I was not straight, like the people we watch on TV. But up until now, I didn’t think what I was letting myself think, was truly bad. The same with stuff about witches and other “dark” subjects. I just thought it was fun but I keep feeling like I am being punished for it.