Slept badly took 5mg diazepam to try and relax, waking several times, bad dreams, then waking thinking someone was in my bedroom, (there wasn't). It's my birthday today, 1st birthday that my mother is not here, 2nd birthday my Auntie(my mums twin sister) is not here, 3rd birthday that my husband is not here as it was our wedding anniversary all on the same day.I knew it was going to be a hard day. stayed in bed supposedly the safest place to be but dreadful thoughts of the left over antidepressants I;ve got in the drawer a good mixture of types and dosages, the Dr only allows me 4 diazepams a week now too after taking quite a few in a state of distress, so what would happen if I took them all? Got upset, well very distraught, Samaritans were rung, told of the plans I had where I was planning to go a water filled quarry up in the hills but I can't as i had arranged to go out to dinner this evening with my son, his wife and grandchildren as a distraction as I knew I'd hate today. Cried as I received a lovely gift from a friend of photos in a book of a trip we did earlier in the year, then cried no sobbed my heart out after a gift of beautiul bright sunflowers from my sister. When meeting at my sons house a lovely decorated card from my grandchildren covered in kisses and lovely hugs from them they both sat either side of me at the restuarant. So why can't I accept this love and caring and get rid of these awful thoughts of doing myself in and leaving these people who care. It makes me hate myself even more than I hate myself already does that make sense.
I just want all this s***** to go away. The professionals all say I'm doing all the right things and carry on but the fights in my head just won't go away. I'm scared that one day I will succeed with the risks I take with drugs, alcohol and self harming.
Youre not moaning i come on here and write what im feeling too. Unfortunately whatever advice anyon gives when you're so depressed you find a way of turning it into a negative.
I lost my mum last year and being a single mum of 3 teenage boys she was my rock i kived with her for 2 years till i got a house. I saw here everyday she was my best friend. When she died suddenly and not being able to get to the hospital in time my world as i knew it ended in the early hours of that morning. Needless to say i have also thiught about just going to the cemetary which i actually refuse to go and take tablets. Im on anti depressent that has made extremely unwell and now ive been told i need to speak to doctor as some result abiut liver has come back. But i just want to say i really feel youre pain and i know that what youre feeling is horrendous. You feel the only way to rud the pain is just to sleep and not wake up. You did the right thing going out with youre lovely family. My biys are the reason and only reason im still here so you must remember that and think how they would cope and could you put them through the pain youre feeling now. Please feel free to message me anytime and happy birthday my love xx
If you do feel the need to take all your meds or jump in a lake fist call the NHS Helpline on Telephone 111 and explain how you are feeling, I also feel you need to talk to your GP.
You seem to have people who love you lots with the gifts they give you for your Birthday.
I am married and have no family anymore as I have disappeared from them all so I do not know if the are still alive or not.
Thank you, I feel so sorry for you not being able to say good bye to your mum that must of been really heart breaking, at least I had the opportunity to discuss things with my husband as we knew it was going to happen, but again too quick thinking back we diidn't actually say good bye in the end as things happened quicker than expected, my mum and auntie both had dementia so neither really knew plus i wasn't that close to them.
you need to look after your boys they need you most probably more than you know, i hope they show how much they love you.
I hope your results are not too bad and they will change your meds, the liver is quite a strong organ that can re generate i think if not too much damage has been done. I wish you good wishes on those results.
Yes going to sleep and waking up when it is all over would be great but of course it doens't work like that.
The sensible me knows it would destroy my son and my grandchildren but when I am so distressed that is the last thing I think off.
You look after yourself and your family and thank you. xx
I did talk to my GP last week and the week before following involvement with the police the other week that is why my meds have been restricted but I lied about the others I kept when stopping my other meds. Naughty I know.
I'm lucky to have a few good friends that care, even people at my work say they care but when in a distressed state that just doesn;t compute.
Have you ever considered getting back in contact with any of your family? I know you have the support of your lovely wife.
You take care and cheers I'll have a hangover tomorrow.
Thank you hun and yes when i get that distressed nothing cares i just want it to end. Its a horrible thing depression and i have severe social anxiety now quite bad something i never had again i thinks its medication. Im still of work yet again.
I find if i write everything down in a diary it lets me release a lot. I dont do it a lot mainly because when i have a good day i dont want to think about being depressed.
I think i have ocd because i cant wear certain clothes use room sprays that remind me of being depressed its all in the mind but thats hard to stop doing.
I keep a diary too it helps to put things down, it gets rid of them out of my head for a while but when I was in hospital they told me to stop and talk to people which i found very hard, getting better at it but it is all about trust and I;ve been let down by people including my parents many years ago but you cannot rely on professionals all the time, i have abandonment issues too, vulnerability and aloofness following assessments also pts symptoms which haven;t even been looked into yet.
Have you been diagnosed with ocd? When thinking straight a lot of what is said written etc makes sense but making sense of it is so hard. I think that makes sense. You are so right not to write when you have a good day too.
I have had very little to no help from professionals. I begged to go to hospital and they just sent me home. I said but what if i do something. To which psychiatric nurse said well you are in control of what you do! We wont admit you because do you really want to be in a psyciatric ward! I was even ast about how id feel about coming if ads altogether because of sensitivty My doctors are sick of seeing me. I have had so many health problems ibs, migraines. I had m.e 8 years ago which took me 2 years to recover. Now i have constant pins and needles and numbness down my left side that i cant sleep as the feeling wakes me up and my stomach is constantly in agony that i struggle to eat anything. Im wondering if maybe this has to do with the liver but i wont know till thursda as receptionist just said doctor ast to make app to discuss a result abiut liver function. Im also waiting to see neurologist to rule out m.s.
I feel like any quality of life i had has gone and im left housebound and im only 43 x
You seem to be going round and round and banging your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, i assume this is the potcode lottery for NHS. I think i have been lucky then if you look at it that way. i attempted suicide in Nov 2014 & back in January 2015, police got involved as I was classed as a missing person. Got refered to CMHT assessment made, got a cpn, referred for further assessment for borderline oersonality disorder as i didn't seem to fit into any of their boxes. Ended up as a voluntary patient due to high risk of suicide due to my impulsiveness risks etc to myself and other people I was taking. Saw psychiatrists, got meds changed few times, put on a course with cpn. Had assessment which was horrendous childhood etc thats where the diagnosis came from. Completed 16 week course IPT interpersonal therapy with a lovely psychiatrist who seemed to actually listen and care about me. Still working on that plan that was agreed between us, now waiting for the pts problems. Depression has lifted a bit on the odd day but i seem to drop very quickly.
You seem to be dealing wiht the mind as well as your body which is twice as hard, can you change dr's, aren't there targets how long you wiat to be refered to neurologists. I know the NHs is struggling but that doesn't help you does it.
I hope you get some repsite soon or at least eve nknowing what is wrong is a start.
Youve had a horrible time tina. Some people sail through life not a worry in the world and others its a tremendous struggle. My depression seems to be situational. A tramumatic event in my life or a stressful situation. And then i crash. The last time was 8 yrs ago the realisation i was on my own with kids for first time.in my life af 14yrs with my ex. My body went into meltdown hence the m.e. they did find a suitable ad that did the job up till last year and even after increasing dose it stopped working. I am due to see a lady psychiatrist at the local surgery as a one off to discuss what to do but dont know how long was told would be this side of xmas.
Had loads of scans etc on stomach but nothing sinister apart from severe ibs.
I know there is something being missed as we know our own body and im not right at all.
Im trying to stay positive but i think my work are sick of me being off in long term spurts. I also dont get sick pay so have to get esa.
The ten word saying on the local NHS stresscontrol course I'm attending is face your fears - be more active - watch what you drink.
well I've done all three today. Faced my fear walked to the quarry i mentioned so was more active, just sat and looked, mind blank, detached from reality, no thoughts no nothing, THEN the water is deep enough and the edges are steep difficult to get out, rocks are slate so sharp edges. Got home safely obviously but now watching what I drink cos I can. Still hate me, still think I'm useless and pathetic, still thougths of finishing what i started just when? but a slightly more positive day today.
thank you all for your support I just hope you all find your way out of this horrible deep dark hole we all seem to of fallen into. (pun not intended) Regards to you all xx
Huge hugs tina. Thats the way it seems with this black hole i call hell. Its just getting through each hour of every day amd getting to bed and thinking here we go again. Its very hard to think posotive thoughts when we are like that. I tell myself right get in the bath get dressed which i force myself to do. Little baby steps. You did great getting out and especially to that place but i wouldnt recommend revisiting ut you now have to try and get that place out of your head. Do you have any other fears. Mine at the moment is just managing to the shops or getting on a bus. I go into sheer panic mode almost to the point i feel im going to have to ask the driver to let me off right now. But i managed on thursday as i had opticians which id cancelled twice through fear of passing out. But i had to constantly battle with my mind telling myself breath.
Maybe try something else tomoro. I hate when people who have no idea tell you go and read or go for a walk its just not that simple. Xx
Well you should congratulate yourself on getting to the opticians well done you. Shame you can't attend the control stress course it covers anxiety, depression and stress as they are all related and feed off each other. It's that vicious circle but it does make sense. Maybe just go on the bus for one stop get off walk home, then go two stops etc. Pick a time when it is not too busy not sure if you live in a city.
i'm the total opposite I have no problems in going out I'd prefer to be out driving listening to loud music or walking in the hills or on beaches but have to remember to drive sensibly as been warned before about taking risks, than in the house, or I stay in bed, can't be bothered with anything than get angry frustrated with myself so go out. Round and round again.
I have lots of fears but realted to my childhood and things that have happened during my life which have not been addressed professionally yet. So I do avoid things.
You take care and enjoy the rest of your evening try to relax. xx
