What does this sound like to you?

Mental health
1

Not looking for a diagnosis, just you opinion.

I run away from my problems, always.

This has been going on for a while, about 4 years now. I spend most of my time on the internet doing unproductive things - basically binge watching YouTube videos and searching/researching random things that pop into my head at random times, such as why can't whales live on land if they breathe air – a thought triggered by a random YouTube video I’d watched of a beached whale. I swing from one search to another like that, each search a question created by the previous research. 

Taking the example of the whale, once I find out why whales can't live on land (which has to do with their own body weight crushing their organs and their body overheating rather than not being able to breathe), another question will pop into my head – "how did whales evolve?" – which will lead me farther down the spiral. By the time I get out, it’d been 3 hours and I’ve gained absolutely useless information that I will forget in a month’s time. I will then proceed to watch random videos on YouTube until another random question pops to my head and off I go on another exploration for another 3 hours. This goes on until I get sleepy. 

I sleep at the same spot (my bed), wake up, open my laptop and it’s the same routine all over again. What about my job you ask? Well, that doesn't exist. I’ve been without a job for almost 2 years. I depend on wifey for income. I do temporary training whenever I get a call, but that is once in a blue moon. 

When I lost my last full time job, I pushed myself to search for a job which I did for about a month, after which I just gave up and sunk into my internet addiction full time. 

I lost plenty of jobs in the past due to the fugacious (but highly lucrative) nature of my profession, but I was able to immediately get right back up and find another job in no more than a month’s time. This is the longest I’ve been without a job and I just can’t seem to bring myself to look for one. The harder I push myself to search for a job, the stronger the pull to just click on a video on YouTube. And YouTube always wins. The strange part is that there is actually nothing I enjoy doing more than my job. 

Once I start watching a video, I feel instant relief. And once the video ends, I immediately click on another video (or search something on Google) to keep the feeling going. 

I have a lot of crucially important things to attend to in my life but I just can’t seem to get myself to get to them. I am 35 years old and I’ve literally wasted the last 4 years of my life doing absolutely nothing. I seem to not have the courage to attend to the important things. 

I am a master of procrastination. I will not attend to an important issue until it becomes so serious it’s unavoidable, by which time a lot of damage had been done. I guess I run away from my problems instead of dealing with them, as if ignoring them will make them disappear. I think that’s what I use the internet for – an escape. 

I hate, absolutely HATE, not doing anything and being left alone with my thoughts. The worst torture I can imagine (figuratively) is laying down or sitting doing nothing, thinking. I can never solve anything like that. I’ve always been like this though. 

I also notice that I just can’t seem to start anything and have serious difficulty making decisions. I can’t make an instant decision if my life depended on it. I won’t take a decision until I am absolutely sure that that is the best choice. And making sure that it is, takes weeks and months when it is supposed to take no more than 2 days. I think I am a perfectionist in that regard because I feel that every single thing that I do has to be unquestionably perfect. Most of the time I will not start any project because I am drained before I even start. It doesn't matter how trivial the task is, it will always take massive amount of time because it has to be done perfectly. I think I’ve always been like this. Though I don’t think the reason I am running away from the important things in my life has to do with being a perfectionist (or does it?). I feel I can’t bring myself to attend to them because it is stressful or/and that I fear failure. I think maybe I’d rather live with the feeling that there is hope than discover that there isn’t any. 

Lately, I’ve been waking up with this empty gnawing feeling in my stomach that is caused by the realization that I will not be able to maintain my standard of living if I continue like this. That the urgent things must be attended to right now or whatever hope there is for my future will be completely demolished.

Prior to 4 years I was very active. I was a health fanatic…ate 6 healthy home prepared meals a day. I went to the gym 4 days a week, ran an hour every morning, had a good social life, and of course a job. Now I am the complete opposite. For the first time in my life, I am eating unhealthy and not exercising. I have gained a lot of weight, have zero social life and no job. I guess this all started when I got a partner. She loves to cook so I don’t have to do anything in that regard. She also takes care of the house with the cleaning so I don’t have to do anything there either. All I do is just sit (or lie down) on the computer. I hate it but I can’t help it.

Any idea what I am suffering from? What does it sound like to you?

Thank you so much for listening!

2

Please go visit you doctor. I am not a doctor but it does sound like anxiety. I have been suffering forv4 months now kept under control by medication. I personally think you need to chat with your other half and family members. I have had these feelings from as far as I can remember even as a child. Up until May of this year when I experienced a major tragedy in my immediate family that I realised I was hiding behind a brick wall and it just crumbled away revealing my true self that I have been hiding. I sought help because I was very negative about everyone and life in general. This as helped lots. Still not there yet but I am determined to try fight this. After all the mind is a strong tool and can take over your life, do not let this happen admit defeat you are special every one is in their own way. You are 

over and here for a purpose you just need to stop negative thoughts and look further ahead it's hard work believe me find your true self please from shelley

3

Hi Skyz, quite simply your depressed with anxiety (in my unprofessional opinion), all the traits you describe are typical depressive and anxiety symptoms and you've temporarily lost yourself to it. As Michelle suggests you would be helping yourself if you visited your GP perhaps with wifey and explain what is happening, you might want to book a double appointment so you have time to discuss everything including options.

Your computer use is just a distraction, I spend a lot of my day on my iPad because it distracts me from anxiety but I do do housework, shopping, cooking and socialising because I know I have too as part of my recovery.

Id suggest making a short list of simple things you can do abd do one everyday even if it's as simple as putting the pots away and takes 5 minutes, perhaps put a time limit on your internet usage and apply for 1 job every week? It's up to you though but setting some goals will help you.

Please go to your GP as soon as.

Keep posting with how you get on.

Neil 

4

I can identify with you in so many ways. You are lacking motivation and you have found a task that feels safe (watching YouTube videos). I think you are dealing with an addiction and some OCD traits (compulsion to search a thought that comes into your mind). Sometimes I do it when I'm watching Tv and then I find i miss the programme I was watching because I've gone off on a search. Don't see all these activities as a waste of time though - you're still learning information even if you don't think you need it at the moment! I was very interested to hear about your discovering regarding wales! Anyway what i would do if I were you is dedicate an hour a day (before you go on YouTube) to look for/apply for jobs. I think you should regard this as a phase in your life rather than something that's going to last forever. Perhaps you need to find a balance between very fit and healthy to just normal. I used to go to the gym everyday and eat like an athlete and then I just got stick of it and went the other way for a while. Now I think I've got a better balance (if anything on the lazy side!) 

5

I would in my opinion say OCD, anxiety and depression.  You have got yourself into a routine that is so hard to break free from.  Do you spend any time with your wife?  What does she say about the situation?  Is this causing problems? 

I would definitely go and see your GP who could probably help you get some CBT or some kind of therapy.  Of course it would be great if your wife could come along to understand it too and start a fresh path of getting some help for this problem.

You never know when you break the habits and start to get moving forward you might get motivated to start going out again and even a job.

Let us know how you are getting on.

6

Hi, Skyz, and thanks for reaching out. I think you're "just" depressed. 

My husband, who is a lot older than you, is also depressed (his business is failing) and he spends hours online,

his militant health regime is practically gone, it's impossible to make any decisions for our future because he's so anxiety-riddled, he has given up his friends, we don't go to Church anymore. Procrastinates always. Is absolutely petrified about what the next step for us should be. Working on an ulcer, too.

   I don't want to add to your issues but I think that if you do nothing else in this very moment, when your wife comes home, tell her how much it means to you that she is working and then coming home and working a second job. Promise her that you will get some professional help, and then do it. 

   You are young and perceptive and you can turn this around. ((Hugs))

7

 gr8fulwoman, thank you for sharing! 

You say your husband is a lot older. A lot older than me would most definitely mean diminished testosterone levels. There is a direct correlation between low testosterone and depression. Google "low testosterone and depression". 

Testosterone is a "feel good" hormone. Thus, the less of it a man has, the worst he feels. Many men get on TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) when they discover they have low testosterone levels and exhaust all means to bring in up naturally. Result is almost always a general feeling of well being.

A simple blood test will confirm it. A great site to start is It's one of the best places on the www to get info on this subject. It's a forum similar to this one.

Look it up!

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8

As I read your story I recognize the life you are living. When you describe the point it has to get to before you act on something, I totally feel your anxiety. The 4 things that stood out to me were:

1. You used to be extremely active.

2. You have gained a lot of weight.

3. You are in a situation that now enables you to do nothing.

4. You are like a spectator watching yourself destroy your life unable to step up or out until it reaches crisis level.

I am living the same life. I am a 58 year old woman and my situation began with the totally unexpected death of my fiance. My son insisted I move back home and live with him. In the beginning I was normal doing what I needed to do. A big example of the slow change would be I would take a short drive to a quiet country road and walk our dog twice a day. Then it started to feel uncomfortable and the walks got shorter. Then it was once a day, and one day when I pulled up I couldn't get out of the car. The walks stopped. I went to my appts. which included counseling 2x a week. I slowly eliminated 1x per week then I stopped all together. I eliminated people one by one as I saw the way they behaved as hurtful. I watched it happen but justified it all to myself. A lot of traumatizing things occured during this time which may not have been so devastating if I were not already hanging on by a thread after losing my life. Now it takes me 2 days minimum to mentally prepare myself to go to the grocery store. My dog has not gone for a walk in 2 years. Luckily she has a large yard. I gained weight and my clothes are very uncomfortable. Finally my son does not pressure me to do anything. He has made my financial input fit my income so there is no pressure there. I have 4 people that I would say are still in my life. I stay in my room 23 hours a day. I get very stressed and begin to sweat and out of breath instantly if I have to get ready to leave the house. I cut back my medication so it would last longer because I am avoiding going to medical appts. that my Dr. said are required before he will refill my meds. I can't breathe well if I don't have my diuretic because I have congestive heart failure, still I watch myself fail to follow through. I am a spectator watching me destroy everything but I just don't care enough to stop me. I dont want to get dressed because of the weight gain, and I feel hopeless so I turn off my emotions because they cause anxiety.

If I were 35 maybe I would fight to get my life back, but at 58. What's the point. My life died with my fiance. The day I lost him...I lost me.

Did anything happen to you that you can remember when this all started?

My suggestion would be to concentrate on making yourself feel physically comfortable again. I know the weight gain is a major road block to me taking any steps outside of my room.

Don't wait until it is too late. Don't think, just do it. It will open your world again, if you close the world online. DO NOT allow yourself to pick up your phone or any other internet access when you get up in the morning. Remove all options except options that will move you forward. Ask for help... Have someone else provide you with job options, have your time applying for work monitored and verified by someone. Yes be treated like a child until you restore your self control. Do not let yourself dwell on what you want to do on the internet. Plan each day starting with something that takes you away from the place you spent 4 years on the internet. If you care you can do it, if you lack the emotional desire to restore your life, start with a visit to a behavioral health specialist. The desire to succeed is required!! Get the emotional issues figured out so you will be successful. Don't set yourself up to fail.

Good Luck

Lori

to fail.

Good luck

9

I totally agree with you, if the depression was brand new I would totally agree. It just made things worse.

Thank you for caring, he is due to have blood work shortly and a hormone panel is included.