Hi guys
I just need to get this off my chest. I just turned 25 I'm a girl. What is going on with me? Something is not right anymore. I never thought I would do all the things I've done. I'm talking about attempts. I never thought my Social.Phobia, GAD, Social anxiety would make me su***al. I had a vivid image 4 days ago. Anyways I won't say much I don't want my account to get deleted again. But I had this image very vivid. Quite disturbing it seemed so real. I think I'm losing it. I'm so lost right now I have no direction. I feel I'm not really here anymore. Somewhere years ago I vanished I'm no longer happy. I never was but at least I had a balance. Now its hard to smile my eyes get watery when I see family just thinking how they dont know whats in my mind. The emptiness, sadness that seems to never go away. I remember one time O tried going out to grocery store. I was outsode in parking lot when I felt self.conscious I wanted to hide I was extremely down at that time. I am attractive but my GAD makes me focus on everything my depression doesn't help either. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know nothing. I'm depressed and my depression just got worse. I had this vivid image in my head when I had a breakdown at night. This image was of me hur***g myself. I don't know why this happened. But I believe my Agoraphobia or depression are driving me to the brink. Just imagine the prisoners in isolation... How they feel?? They probably go cra*zy being all alone in one room and never going out to the sun or seeing other people. I'm not alone but with someone else. I won't say much OK. But my Agoraphobia is a severe case. That's what I believe. Since I've been homebound for 7 years. I just had my birthday and I feel like s**t. I don't know what is real no more. I tried going out last week before my birthday and it was bad but I got through it with the help of my family. That's the only thing that keeps me from doing something St**id. I will never get better. Not me all of you will. But not me
My problems go way back when I was 4 years old when I started school. Thats where the h**l broke lose. I h*ted school not because of learning but because of being close to them. I think about ju**ing off a br*dge when I was on the road. Just thinking I had to be in a room full of people makes my heart race, hands start sweating, i feel i'm dy*ng. I just want to get out of the place I dont care if I come off as rude. 
But its severe. There's no way I will be better. I can't even get Help. Therapy.. Meds.. Ect. How if I'm stuck inside my house?? I don't even go outside anymore which is making everything worst at least I would see my dogs or neighbors even though they give me Anxiety but when I feel I'm losing it at least seeing others outside helps. I realize I actually Live Im not d**d. They give me Anxiety because I have social phobia, GAD, depression, Social anxiety, PTSD, Agoraphobia. I don't mean to be mean but being near people, neighbors even family members makes me nervous and I panic. I can stand my family but only for a while and I go back to my room. I can omly be with my mother but she will not always be there. And if that day comes I already know what I will do to my**lf. It's a sad life when even being with your family gives you anxiety. I don't like being this way. No matter how much I tell someone how I feel I think they will never clearly understand what's going on or what I'm feeling unless they were in my shoes. It's a metaphor. I've been this way since I was 4. I don't trust anyone. Never will. People act like they will help you only to want something else. My depression makes me think negative about every thing. Having GAD with it makes it worse. It's a constant battle in my head I feel I will never win. My mind always does. It overpowers me. I break down and cry it's the depression. Im not a sentimental person at all. I'm always in a bad mood. Irritated, frustrated, mad, sad. I feel bad after I do things. I regret it. My attempts, hurt**g my*elf, arguing with family reflecting on it knowing it's my anxiety and depression spiraling out of control it makes me take it out on those who don't deserve it. Does anyone get extremely down and acts impulsively and harms the**lves? Later regretting it.😑
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks