Why can't I escape the pain of depression

Mental health
1

I really am on a low at the moment and really looking for an easy way out as I can't take the pain anymore.  My heart physically hurts and I feel like I am pushing everyone away who is trying to help me.  I have never felt lonliness like it and although it really gets me down, I don't want anyone's company (does that make sense) .   I am on anti-depressants and have been for many years.  The doctors tells me it will pass but it never does.  A smile that hides a thousand sorrows and i feel like I'm drowning while everyone around me is living their life.

 

2

Don't worry Gillian, I know it's easier said than done. But you do have days like that, I know I always felt my life was on hold and everyone else enjoyin their selfs and moving on to big things. Set yourself goals or things to look forward too. 

A better day is only round the corner hang in there. 

Xx

3

Hi Gillian sorry to hear your sorrow. You give such wonderful advice to others in your posts. You really are a lovely person full of empathy. Please please keep hopeful. My depression lasted about 5 months and then it lifted. It lifted as quietly as I initially sank into it. In the meantime keep being kind to yourself. I truly wish you a speedy recovery from a very difficult illness. The hard thing for depression sufferers is that we don't know when it will lift. Just take it a day at a time Xx

4

Thank you Laura and Annie, I always find it easy to help others, it's what I am good at if that makes sense.  I do hope it lifts soon and I start to feel better.  Suffered from depression for a very long time now but it never gets easier to manage.  I try to set myself goals but something always hits me like a stone and I fall over twice as hard. 

xx

 

5

You have really helped me. So give yourself a pat on the back, and Annie that's so true, you don't know when it will lift. Mines lasted a whole year now, can't believe how quick it's gone. But really chin up before you know it, your be feeling a lot better. 

Hope you have merry christmas!! 

Xxx

6

Hello Gillian

From one Gillian to another I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. I know that you are suffering and have been for some time but that does not mean for one minute that this is forever. Some people take longer to recover and that's ok. There is no time limit. You will get there in the end.

I know how it feels to not feel part of all that is going on around you and the loneliness inside your head and heart that you feel that nobody will ever reach or touch again but that is the depression and how it makes us feel. It's not a true reflection of the real you.

Please don't give up hope. Tomorrow could be the day you feel that change..that your life changes forever. You have made it this far so that shows you have spirit and deep inside you..hope...You are stronger than you think. You can do this. Keep fighting sugar and on the days you don't feel strong..come here and let us see if we can figure something out xxx

7

Another Gillian that gives very good advice. If you don't mind me asking have you got depression at the moment or has it lifted? We are all waiting for that magical tomorrow xx

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I have depression and anxiety Annie but I think I'm getting through. I've chatted to you many times. I'm surprised you don't know. Maybe it's because I've not got my photo on,.,I changed it xxxx

9

Gillian this has been a bad few days and I always know if I come here I don't feel alone as much.  I don't have a circle of friends with whom I can confide in and although my mum is really supportive, I feel that I sometimes need to hide how I truly feel as she worries so much about me.  I have tried counselling and it helps at the time but long term I struggle every day.  I go to work come home and go to bed just so I can hide away from the world and I know when I fall asleep that I am safe for another day and it doesn't hurt anymore.  My doctor won't give me anymore sleeping because I was using them too often to escape the world for a few hours.  I overthink things in my head and I end up making matters so much worse than they are, am I alone in this? I do hope that I will wake up one day and I can finally climb out the black hole that engulfs me, i really hope its soon.  Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate them.

xxxx

10

Gillian oh I know exactly how you feel.  Depressio9n is the most awful illness.  I have battled it for so very long, but after 20 years on anti depressants, am trying to cope without.  I know it is no consolation to tell you that you are not alone, because it does not help.  Many people hide their depression, there are many around us, I am sure, who feel the same.

So many times you have come here and given hope to others with your kind words.  I want to do the same for you, lovely lady.  We are all in this together.  We all understand. 

Every day is an ordeal, and anxiety difficult to cope with.  I do not want to go back on medication if I can help it,m butwill know if I do have to.  My body will tell me.  Meanwhile I battle on.  I am so lonely, as live alone, but try to get out.  Times I could not leave the house or speak to anyone.  Yes you make perfect sense believe you me.  Been there often.

I send you love and courage to continue this fight.

11

Gillian 20097 posted that "Depression is a liar and a thief", sometime back.

 

Keep hold of that thought in bad moments and repeat, repeat over and over.  I hope it helps you hun, meanwhile know that we all send you luv and support always.

Wishing all of you a safe and  settled Christmas.

12

Anne I sit hear with tears running down my cheeks as I read your lovely reply to me, thank you for letting me know that i am not alone in this horrible disease.  I truly want to find the courage to beat this and somedays I think I actually am winning the fight and then something happens and I am back to square one.  I pray to god at night just to take me and give me peace from it all, horrible I know but I just can't take it anymore, I want to be normal if there is such a thing! I am tired now!!  Its just horrible and I just so lonely.

xxxx

 

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Jean I will keep hold of that thought and thank you for your kind word of support, I really do appreciate it.  xxxx

 

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Gillian my heart and soul goes out to you. I know EXACTLY how you feel, in everything you say. My depression has come back with a bang this last week, more so than ever and I had forgotten how bloody awful it is. I have been in bed for 5 days unable to sleep or eat and like you just wanted God to take me. Can't face another moment. But, I am still here. And it's important to stress we all understand and you are not alone, although it it is just you who has to deal with it. Like you I have shut every one sway, my wife friends all of them, but I want someone to care and understanding. Odd isn't it. Think people like us want to help others to deflect pain away, and hope others will show the same compassion.

You, sound a lovely person, as the people on here are. Remember that. Keep talking as I think it does help

15

Thank you Mark, you have no idea how good it is to hear that I am not going crazy in my own little world.  I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me its going to be ok but deep down I don't want that at all.  I'm just so scared when I am like this as I have attempted to end it before.  Cry for help some people said to me, I didn't want help that was the reason, I wanted the pain to go away and nearly succeeded but my neighbour popped round for something and found me.  She saved my life but am I grateful...no I am not, how awful is that.  She has been so supportive towards me, she could have so easily run in the other direction.  I find helping others through what I go through every day so much easier than helping myself.  I know how they feel and can sympathise with everything they say.  Its just feels right to me to save a life if I can but I can't save my own!! I'm on my own with two teenagers after a turbulent marriage of control and not an ounce of compassion from my husband about my condition.  But I didn't realise how lonely it would be and I often think back to then and how controlling he was but at least I had someone there!! 

I hope you find comfort in reading posts on here too, you sound a caring person and I really hope that you find a way through this awful disease.  Thank you for sharing your story with me, it does help.

 

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Gillian, I can tell you too are a really caring compassionate person. Don't change. I said b4 but my God yes I know how you feel. Sometimes you just want someone you love to hold you and say it going to be ok. Or even a stranger. Not that I am advocating hugging stranger's!

At times I have wished I would be involved in a fatal accident as that would end it as I haven't got the strength to do it myself. That's an awful thing and I am disgusted by it, but like you feel alone and desperate, despite being married and having a son. I have shut them out.

Every hour seems like forever and to know got to go through it again tomorrow.........

But, it has passed before, so a precedent has been set. It WILL pass again. It's just now it doesn't seem like it.

I often wonder if we wear our depression as a comfort blanket........sounds daft, but without wE lead ourselves open to other things, like life, and we feel unable to cope so stick with what we feel we have and withdraw so no one can hurt us.

Last night v bad as is today, but funny tale to cheer yo up, having not slept last two days I went a bit schizophrenic last night....... I was apparently an Edwardian doctor talking about tincture s and the like. I was quite good so was told!

Now that sounds mad, but I know I'm not. And neither are you

17

I was driving back from the cemetery today after putting my sons holly wreath down...(think thats when all this started, losing my boy) but as I was driving home I was thinking of every way I could crash or smash into a lorry and that would be it, so I think like that too!! But your right in a way too I think about the comfort blanket, I have been hurt so many times in the past that I don't want any more so I just shut down and hide.  I always think I am watching life pass me by and I really want to be out there enjoying what everyone else seems to enjoy, its just too difficult too do.  I am extremely lonely just now and don't know what I've done to be so isolated, I have no real friends to speak off and the ones I do have are enjoying getting sorted for christmas, christmas parties and family gatherings...I just someone to share it with. God I sound pathetic. 

Your tale did make me smile however, an Edwardian doctor off all the thinks to be....maybe thats what you were in a past life.

18

That is awful bought your son. I think you are a very brave person, you are quite strong even though you may not think it.

Ironically it is 20years today that my mum died and it all started to go wrong from there. I felt so bad I couldn't go down there today, so, look how strong you have been.

Not pathetic at all, I feel the same, just can't wait for it all to be over Xmas.

Can't see me as a doctor though..........quite fancy the long flowing gown however.......

God I hope tommorow is better

19

I feel closer to him there and as his mother I owe him that much.  I drive there because I know I won't meet anyone and if I do they don't talk so its my place of solitude really.  You too are strong as you have reached out to help someone else today and that means a lot.

I'm sorry to hear its the anniversary today, I'm sure you mum would know you were thinking of her regardless of where you were.  I think this time of year brings it to the surface and we think more about the ones we have loved and lost and miss so terribly. 

I paint my smile on at Christmas for the childrens sake and hope and pray I make it through the day without falling apart.  As you said the hours feel like forever but its only 24 hours out of the full year and I've been through worse days. 

Thank you so much for today, it really has helped me knowing I am not alone in this situation, although alone is my life at the moment. 

I pray tomorrow is a better day for both of us and if not then the next day might just be our day!!

 

 

20

Hi Gillian,

You'll have to excuse me if I get 'side-tracked' I'm well known for doing it on these forums. But it's me vs. the medication, a battle I fight everyday.

Let me tell you, you're not alone when it comes to depression - my first bout was in my teens, and it was hell. I felt isolated and didn't really talk to anyone about it, because that was back in the 70's - some people wonder how I cope now, with me it's a case of putting up a false front, don't get me wrong I do have good days and bad days. I am now just turned 51 a few days ago, the depression hasn't really left me at all, my wife knows I have anxiety attacks, but I try to hide the depression from her, because she has to cope with me 24/7. I am anti-depressants and have been for quite awhile.

The trouble with me is I had an accident in my early 20's, which led me to having further problems, firstly I was diagnosed with Focal Segmental Dystonia, Epilepsy and Functional Episodes (there is 28 versions of just this alone). The girl I settled down with and eventually married knew everything about me, healthwise and we went on, got married and had 3 children. Her first pregnancy was very stressful, and it possibly caused her to mis-carry. We used to babysit her sisters 2 children, a boy 14 months and a girl 2 years. One afternoon we were watching a video at Christmas, and we were playing with the children, all of a sudden my nephew started screaming saying the light was hurting his eyes, but he got worse, headache, ear-ache, and went all limp on us, we had alreadyh phoned the doctor, and the ambulance was on it's way. This all happened at around 4:30pm.. once in hospital he was in the Intensive Care Unit fighhting for his life, we were shocked why and what had happened, less than 4 hours later he  was declared brain-stem dead, only the machines made him look he was still alive. My wife and I, didn't cope with it very well for weeks, thats when my wife lost ours. You can imagine the pain we went through, it was unreal. What really upset us more was his sister asked her mum "Will I go to heaven when you have your next baby?". - She shocked us all, and it didn't end there, the boy she sat with at her first school were friends and he died of the same symptoms, meningitus.

We were all very close, obviously it didn't help with me being depressed either, luckily my wife and I went on to have 2 boys and a girl over the years. There have been so many occassions where I have been down, after losing both my parents and I had to sort out all the paperwork, which to me was a task and a half, my conditions really got me down. I was on more medication because of all that had happened over the years was still playing on my mind, suicidal thoughts amoungst other things - but then I started to think, if I did anything like that I would missed by so many people and family, all I was thinking about was negative things going back over my life, so I started to look at my life differently, approach it by remembering the good times rather the negative energy. This worked for awhile, but I had a shock coming that was the worse part of my life. I was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, luckily it was caught in time, but I'm still in remission until January 2015. Thinking I survived that made me think twice of what I was doing in life, but yet again I was knocked back in January 2012, 3 weeks spent in hospital - I was dying from the inside out, 50cm of my intestines had turned gangrene, which was removed, 2 days later when I should have been getting better I became worse I could not keep anything down, not even drugs. They tried to a CT scan, but all my veins in my arms had collapsed so it could not be done, then I started vomitting bile badly, I was rushed to back to surgery. My wife was phoned and told please be prepared for the worse, we have your husband on an emergency operation. 5 hours later I come round, which surprised the surgeon. Again, I cheated death for the 3rd time... I now take everyday as it comes and even though I am in every morning I wake up, at least I get another day to see my family and friends, that's how I look at life now.

I have seen too much negativity, so I look at everyday with a positive attittude, it took me a long time to realize how short time could be. Even now, I had an ultrasound scan on my abdominal region, and my doctor phoned and asked me if I asked the radiologist if there was anything wrong, she said just a few stones that are small - I thought cool, and my wife pushed me out of the hospital. She said the results will be back at your doctors in 7 days. Then yesterday my Doctor phoned me, and said what did the radiologist say to you, so I told her about the gall stones, but very small. My doctor then enlightened me, I think we need you to see the Urologist again for a second opinion, I thought oh no, that ultrasound appointment was for one thing "Prostate Cancer"! - I said okay to my doctor, but now I'm on tender hooks waiting for that dreaded call, either the hospital or my doctor! - I told my wife but that's all, I do not want to put a bad spell over everyone's Christmas! - Depressing, yes - but, I am trying to hold my head up and keep smiling, and hoping!! I coped with Depression before, but not just before Christmas.... Now, I sit and wait...as the days pass me by! I more worried than depressed - the thing that brings out depression with me lately is hospitals. 3 days within the past 5 days.

Regards,

Les.