My teenage years were so lonely and depressing I can't stop dwelling on them and wishing I'd done things differently. I'm 25 now, have a gf and a son so you'd think I'd be able to let it go, but no.
Things started going majorly down hill for me in high school when I turned 15. It's almost as if somebody flicked a switch and my friends weren't interested in spending time with me anymore. They were all either joining new cliques or getting girlfriends, and I was left alone. I've always been the quiet, shy type (I am still to some extent now but not as bad) and that's what kind of separated me from everyone else.
I've also for as long as I can remember always been the outcast of any group, never anybody's best friend. For example at school whenever it came to pairing up to take part in an activity it would be me who would end up on their own, or having to join with another pair as a 3 which was just awkward.
I found myself staying in playing computer games most evenings and weekends, ended up HATING school (literally every second of being there felt like mental torture) and watched as people around me whom were once good friends were now making future plans that didn't include me in any way. Even new students who'd only been there a few months were ending up more popular than me. I don't know what it was but there was obviously something really unappealing about being friends with me and now looking back I just wish I'd bitten the bullet and asked a few people for their honest opinions about me.
Then came one of the most painful days of my life; the school leaving assembly. It was an emotional day for a lot of people as we were leaving high school to move into college. People were hugging and shaking hands with each other, some were even crying at the realisation that they weren't going to see others again. But nobody hugged me, nobody shook my hand, nobody said goodbye to me. People who I'd grown up with for over 10 years just didn't notice me at all. I might as well have been invisible. I was surrounded by loads of people but had never felt so lonely in my entire life.
I didn't bother going to my school prom purely because I had no one to go with. Anyone who couldn't get a date would group up with about 10-12 others and all put in for a limo. Me getting a date was never going to happen and yep you guessed it, no one asked me to join their group for a limo. Rejection like this was REALLY hard to take. Some nights I'd cry myself to sleep wondering what it was I did wrong.
The thing is I have always been a follower, not a leader. I'd wait for people to come to me because I'd never have the confidence to go to them, in this case making plans to group for a limo to prom. And I really regret not taking the lead and trying to organise something with my 'friends', it may even have saved what little relationship I had left with them.
In the end I decided to move on and not try to salvage any friendships purely for the fact that I was confident I'd make new friends in college, a fresh start. How wrong I was. To say I didn't fit in was an understatement. It was horrible, I was the mute of a class with about 12 other people and I couldn't connect with any of them.
Any chance to get myself a girlfriend just never surfaced. I was just so incredibly shy and didn't know the first thing to say to a girl. Unsurprisingly I remained a virgin throughout my college years, I never even kissed a girl. Whenever classroom banter, of which I had little input, turned to conversation about sex I'd feel so uncomfortable because I knew the majority of them had done it and sooner or later I'd be questioned about my 'experiences'. When I was finally asked I didn't lie, I was just honest and said I was a Virgin, and admitted I hadn't even kissed a girl. Some of them thought it was strange not so much that I hadn't had sex but that I'd done nothing with a girl, ever. And I was nearly 18 years old.
In a way that made me feel worse, because it just made me feel like more of an outcast at the fact that they hadn't met anyone with as little sexual experience as me. I'd rather they'd have just laughed at me for being a virgin and taken the piss out of me.
To this day I'm amazed that I just stuck at it and bared the loneliness of college for a whole 2 years. When I think back I can't remember having one good or enjoyable day. I never used the canteen during my whole time there, during breaks I would either walk the streets alone just to kill time or go home and go back later. Again, I would think to myself, why me? Why did I have to be the outcast? Yes I was quiet and shy, but I was still a nice guy, so why did no one warm to me? I had so much to offer people in terms of friendship but felt like I hadn't had the chance to show it, and that's what hurt the most. I felt so depressed about it for such a long time. I never felt bitter towards my ex-friends, in the end it wasn't just one of them who pretty much abandoned me, they all did. In that sense there could have only been one common denominator and that was me. I must have had the problem, but evidently I was oblivious to it.
Now at 25 I just look back and think about all the things I missed out on as a teenager. I never went on a lads holiday or travelling, I never got to go to house parties, where no doubt I would have been able to meet girls and more than anything have fun. Even things teenagers do that are usually frowned upon like sitting around smoking weed, or getting drunk in a park I would love to have been a part of, more for the companionship than anything. But no, not me. My 'fun' stayed in the confines of my room.
I know this is quite a long tale but I've never really got it out in the open before, but more than anything else I've never met anyone who I can relate to. Nobody who too has been a social outcast, a virgin until they were 20 years old, a complete 'mute' around other people. That's what made me think I wasn't normal. Deep down I think that's why I can't get over it.
What can I do to finally let it rest?