It is so sad to hear your stories. `Only' 5 years' on drugs and still in there with depression. Does that tell a story? To me it does. There is a fair bit of info that people who use drugs and/or ECT to `fix' their depression are the most likely people to develop a long term, chronic depression relying on ever more `trials' using one drugafter another. Surveys done in 3rd world countries (Africa - Asia) are finding that the only people who are `sick' in the long term are those who are being `treated' medically.The drug companies are thrilled with their $70 billion a year, the last thing they want is for people to get well. After a while the depression begins to be part of the family, a way of life. But there ARE ALTERNATIVES! You might have to look around, to think outside the box of doctors, drugs and `treatment'. Maybe, after 5 YEARS, it's time. Clearly, whatever techniques you're using to deal with the stresses in your life, DON'T WORK. I don't believe `depression' is an illness, it is how you see yourself. I, too was locked into it but one day, I decided the psychs had had me long enough. I did not ever want to be put down as less than `normal', to be `controlled' with drugs, a `sick' person to be patronised, forever a `patient', any more. So I stopped being one. 13 years they had me and I never got better. It was round and round the garden. If I could stay out of hospital for 11 months I was `doing well'. NO, NO, NO more. I DECIDED I WAS NOT A SICK PERSON. Doctors see illness. That's what they're trained to do. If you are going to them all the time, you are a `sick' person and you will get `treated'. You will be a `patient'. For nearly 12 months I have been med free. I am finding new ways to see my life. I REFUSE to be a `sick' person anymore andI AM NOT. I use the self help system, I come onto these forums because I believe I have things to share, to help. I'm not popular with the drug supporters, which could be you, because I say `help yourself'. Some have said I don't understand, that telling someone to `pull themselves together and get on with it' means I have `no comprehension' of what it is to be depressed. (I am not quite that brutal, by the way).
I have had 87 shock treatments (and have serious brain damage as a result), I have been brought to a standstill with drugs, I have been on life support 4 times from suicide attempts, with a dozen admissions for ODs that only needed a respirator. Believe me I KNOW DEPRESSION. I have been a psych nurse and I have seen a lot of other people's depression, too. I have NEVER believed that depression is a LIFE SENTENCE. You CAN get better and move on. But you have to take some chances, you have to know it's not easy. Sometimes I wake up and think, I can't do this. I use a bit of CBT, say, this will pass and it does. Every time. The `quick fix' is a major problem in our society. `Give me a pill to make me happy. Woe is me, I'm depressed, I can't...' YOU CAN. In the long run it is your life, you only get one shot at it. Have a look at Professor Lucy Johnstone's work, read or video about `psychological formulation', an approach that aims to `help people to do something with their difficulties', `creating meaning out of chaos and despair'. NOT your `sickness' or `disease', your `difficulties'. The move from a `diagnosis' of an `illness' that has to be treated, to a recognition that you have difficulties and need to find ways to deal with them and move on. It and many other alternatives are more about learning than `treatment'. It's NOT A QUICK FIX, but it is, because a bit of time and pain now can free up your future, can give you a life, and I do realise that for some, it may be for the first time. A chance to be happy, or sad, or pleased, or disappointed, to be human and proud of it. Good luck everyone, you don't have to be a `patient'.
I do hope you find an answer to your problem. Take care.