I posted here three years ago about the difficulties in my family, involving my wife being severely depressed.
In what seems like a moment, three years have passed and I can't see the wood for the trees.
My wife has been depressed for several years now. Initially, it was around the birth of our child but things have escalated since with several debilitating physical health complications that require medication. In August 2016 she deliberately took too many of these and had to be seen at hospital.
She has taken many practical steps to deal with this, from therapy to adjusting her work hours and I try to accommodate this by providing space and rest at weekends (where possible, given we have two primary school age boys). My work has been understanding but is full-time and with this, a large chunk of the cooking, housework and children's bed time etc, leaves little time for me to think practically about what to do.
I have some anxiety/depression too, and take some medication.
The pressure on me to get a new job/change things/come up with a plan is huge but i find myself saying nothing, burying my head in the sand etc. We are not in a position of having family close by or willing to help.
This leads to tension between us, threats of leaving, of suicide, that I often misjudge - freezing or shouting her down as I am nervous about what to do about it and hate to see the escalation of anger and despair.
Tonight, fretting over a work issue, she suddenly switched to 'I'm going to kill myself' mode and beyond saying 'don't say that' and 'don't do it' I could not find the words or actions to respond.
When we finally spoke she said it was the coldest thing she had ever seen and I fear she was right. Is this such an ingrained thing now that we barely raise an eyebrow? God, I hope not. By way of example, she said I was worse than someone who practices FGM - they are horrendous but they do it because they twistedly believe it is the right thing to do - and that I don't even do that.
Children have heard arguments and got upset too. Not recently, thankfully, but on many occasions.
We love each other and have a lot of light and sun in our lives, especially with our children, but I am on tenterhooks for the moment it goes wrong. And know that my lack of change is accelerating that tension and the feelings of anger expressed directly at me.
I see other friends making changes in their lives and look on with envy that they have the energy, drive and headspace to turn things round.
We both want her to stop work but she is the primary earner and we are already very stretched. I feel guilty and unable to work out what to do.
Stubbornness runs in my family and I fear I am repeating mistakes of my parents who are divorced.
We are capable of so much together but I fear it all slipping away after one ultimatum too far, one too many silent response from me.
It is, I guess, for me to change things. But I don't know how.