Work is making me Feel Sick/Down

Mental health
1

I hope not to bore anyone but I feel I need to get this off my chest with hopefully like minded people.

Im sure it's been said and done before but I can't find people who understand and want to talk about this as much as I do. I'm not sure if I need advise or just to rant. I apologize for this.

For the pass 3 years I've noticed I've become...not myself anymore.

I used to be a bright, happy. Always smiling. Love working. Social butterfly. Happy to help. Always going out, having adventures.colourful.

But all this is gone. Parents have noticed. My partner has noticed. And friends have noticed (tho I now don't socialized with them anymore).

My mother has even asked me if I feel I have something more mentally wrong with me - this question worryed me.and it has always stayed with me.i think about it to much.

I've pushed and ignored friends. I now don't have any, but I don't wish for social human interaction. Im happy to be around my parents or partner (tho I bottle up feelings sometimes)

They know how I feel but I don't think they understand the whole true of it. I want them there but I don't want to talk to them. Interact.

I feel I've become bitter. Negative to be around.sick. i always feel I'm coming down with something. Scared, worryed. Like anxiety or depression.

Most days I'm forever talking to myself in my head about stressful things, winding myself up. Creating negative feelings. But I can't switch it off.

When I go to work I feel like I'm becoming sick or I feel physically sick. I become panicked not wanting to go to work. Not wanting to face people full stop. Almost ringing in sick. Becoming emotional in my drive to work.

Like most people I used to look forward to the weekends or days off. Now I don't even enjoy these. Even if I do something fun, relax do what ever I want or feel. I always feel ill. Unhappy thinking about all the stresses of life.

Some days I don't want to move. I can't move. I feel heavy. Weak. Tired and drained. I will want to do everything but will do nothing all day.

Even if I make a list or plan. Set alarms...I will do nothing if I'm alone.

Ive seen a few doctors and I've had counselling/ therapy but I feel like these haven't helped me. In fact I sometimes feel they make me feel worse. I've never been offered medication and infact a doctor mentioned they would feel unhappy to let me have any.

One doctor thinks / has said they think I have smiling depression as I do hide it with a smile at lot of the time from work + famiky. Which I know is Common. But I feel what ever I'm feeling is worse that that.

So I've continued to struggle...feel worse. Continued to hide it. Now for eg. When I'm discussing to my partner I'm not looking forward to work. I want to ring in because I'm feeling sick or whatever I'm starting to think in my head..."I want to hurt myself. I think it would be better if I was dead".

I apologize I know that sounds stupid and extreme and I feel Emotional just typing that. But at the time of thinking it.and stopping myself from saying it. I feel nothing. Not scared. Not worried. Nothing.

I know I can call a help line if I feel suicidal - I'm smart I know to do this. But I also tell myself. Why? It won't help. I know I'm vauled I know I'm loved.

But it doesn't stop me. I am worryed that one day I might act on it more. Or I may start harming myself.

But I stop myself from saying it as I don't want to hurt my partner.

I have shocked him before in letting it slip and he know I feel like that. But I don't want to burden him with how I feel. So I smile smile I try and protend I'm happy. I love him and I love my little family (him my dog and parents) but it doesn't stop the negative forts.

I don't no what to do. I'm stuck in this rut at the moment.i don't want to continue with this feeling but I also don't want to become worse.

This weekend I went out, kept active. Have been eatten healthlity. Cleaned the house spent loving time with my partner. Smiled and laughed. But now I'm in work and I feel this dark cloud all over me again.and I know I'm gonna feel like crap all over again.

I am planning on leaving my job for a new one ( I won't leave until I get a new job) but even that I feel won't help.

I feel like this is it to life. Struggle stress and repeat. All the negatives for me right now. Out weight any positives

Apologies for the long boring rant. I'm sorry

2

Hi katie its not a boring rant its yr feelings. Definately sounds like depression. And or anxiety. I have to hide mine also as i dont want my daughter to see how i am. Im ok this last week or so but beforehand was the same as you. Try c yr dr again. Stress how bad youre feeling. Im now used to the isolation and prefer it been like it since bereavement in sept. I text but dont want to physically see them. Thats just me tho. You might be treated and feel better and become that social butterfly u were before x wat a lovely thought xxx

3

Hi Katie. Sounds like you could benefit from CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. You are sabatoging yourself with your negative thoughts and that will obviously affect how you feel. You have a loving partner, parents and pet. You can practice an attitude of gratitude and find reasons to be thankful..food, shelter, physical health, family, etc. Pray and ask God to open your heart and mind to your many blessings before you push them all away. Also, practice deep breathing where you focus on nothing but your breath a few minutes each day. Get outside, think of those worse off than you and try to find empathy and help others in small ways. In other words take the focus off yourself and onto thankfulness and being a blessing in the simplest ways. It is a discipline of your mind that will eventually reach your heart. Blessings!

4

Hi Katie,

The first thing I would say is thank you for sharing. A lot of what you have said makes perfect sense. I know you have said that you have seen your gp and had counselling in the past, but maybe it wasn't the type of counselling or the right time. Perhaps this is something that you could revisit?

In terms of your job, I can totally empathise with your situation. Maybe this is the time that you think about the future? Have you had a look to see what other jobs are out there? If you don't have the skills etc immediately, could you consider going back to College doing night classes? That will help with skills, qualifications, new friendships and more importantly, get you out. It's not a quick fix, but more like a longer term project.

Something else that may be of benefit is volunteering? Which could not only help you get a qualification but enhance your skills and abilities and in turn, help when applying for jobs.

Sometimes, life throws a curve ball and we really do struggle when we are faced with an enormous task, but by breaking things down into small manageable chunks (goals), the end result is worth it.

Good luck Hun. Happy if you want to pm me for a chat x

5

Katie, I'll try to make this short so as not to bore you.

17 years ago I got some bad health news and thought I could expire at any time, although I felt just fine. Over the next year I started feeling sick all the time. Since I felt to bad, I got depressed. On a vistit to the neurologist, he asked if I were depressed. I told him if I were depressed, it was because I felt so sick constantly.

He prescribed an antidepressant, and in two weeks all the physical symptoms had disappeared, and I got my life back.

15 years later I had what was a routine day surgery and ended up in bed for 2 years.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me that should have caused the extreme physical symptoms. At some point I wasn't sure where the physical part ended and the depression started. Again I have had to start antidepressants.  I have been out everyday this week and have spoken on the phone several times. (this is real progress)

Medication can work although finding the right one can be problematic. Please give it some thought.

 

6

Hi katie how are u feeling? 'X