Hello all,
Just joined. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety although im having a hard time believing/accepting it is with what im going thru. Ive read 100's and 100's of posts with people thinking theyre "the only one" but I just really do feel like that! Ill tell you what happened and has been happening, id appreciate if you had time to read.
4 and a half months ago someone said something to me that hit a nerve about something from the past thats long been and gone and since then ive been on a downhill spiral. Was literally the moment it was said I went into a massive panic, heart pounding with pain a sharp in head. I couldnt sleep for a month, lay awake for hours sweating. The pain in my head was as tho my brain had been dislodged and twisted around. Had horrible sensations down my arms, like a shiver feel but tearing down my arms. Huge and i mean HUGE crushing in my chest. Felt like someone was holding my heart in chest and pulling it down and squeezing it hard. Also felt like i was being strangled. In the first month i lost 3 stone thru not eating hardly anything. I hid myself away in bedroom. Not talking or seeing anyone.
So I went to doctors and he prescribed me propananol and citalopram. I didnt take to start as I was very against taking them. However after about another 3 weeks I became very desperate, suicidal thoughts were all I thought about. I started to take them and they didnt make any difference in 3 weeks or so, was changed to sertraline. Went to doctors one day with the pain and had an ECG and all came back ok. Then they also gave me mirtazapine to help me sleep which did help me sleep and gave me some appetite back
Another 3 weeks or so went by and i had a meeting with a cbt therapist, he could see how desperate i was and said he wasnt the right person for me yet so put onto a psychiatrist but they couldnt see me for about a month, but they got me in within a few days to see a duty nurse, I saw her and she cancelled my appointment with psychiatrist and put me onto a crisis time, they came out that afternoon to assess me, put me on daily contact and the next day i saw their doctor who asked me all sorts of questions and basically upped my mirtazapine and dropped the sertraline. I have seen them daily and a little less last couple of weeks. I have come out of myself in terms of seeing people but im in constant agony and really cant go on like this, my pain is getting horrendous, more so down the left hand side of my body, left side of brain pulses, left arm and leg aches and just doesnt feel right and the constant crushing and pulling at my heart. My heart pounds which is really uncomfortable. Ive also gone dizzy now and at times walk funny, some people have noticed, I walked into back of my van other day. They have sent off for me to have head and neck scanned just waiting for appointment. Gave me pregabalin to help with pain last week which as with everything else doesnt seem to be doing much. I tell people, including doctors what im going thru and they look at me like im mad...and i even know it sounds mad all these syptoms but they are very very real to me. Feels like ive fallen off a really high building and all my insides have been smashed against my skeleton and are now all dislodged.
Im really not right at all...just feels like something is really broken, besides all the physical symptons i have had for well over 4 months, my thoughts are completely ruined, cant see a future in anything, things id rather not think about haunt me all day every day. I was a totally relaxed, calm, happy and positive person. I loved my life, and i mean LOVED my life...now everything has come crashing down around me and I cant see any kind of escape.
Im sorry for the essay, I really am in a sorry state but I just dont know what to do any more. Im convinced this cant be just anxiety and depression, its just too painful. I appreciate any kind of help you could maybe offer me. Really am struggling with people who havent been thru it telling me "youll be ok" "youll get thru it", unless youve been in this situation i guess you dont really know do you.
Its just so hard to believe its anxiety. I am completely different person, all my thoughts are horrible and it literally happened over night. My life is getting worse by day and im slowly loosing my family and the person who i was. 😔 People keep saying"oh I get down at times" ... This isn't like that. This is something that's destroying me and everything around me and I have no control over it.
Thank you.