Advice and support badly needed

Sexual health
1

Hello everyone, I'm in a really bad place at the moment and I hope to receive some support or advice.  

I have had H for many years and it has been ok because I was lucky enough to meet someone who I was able to tell about it and he accepted me without any problems.  We stayed together for a while and as far as I know he does not have H. 

Anyway, I remained single for about a year after that relationship broke down ( for reasons completely unrelated to H).  But recently I met the man of my dreams.  We were dating and really taking things slowly.  I had planned to tell him very very soon about my H situation and had high hopes that he would be understanding because we had already spent so much time together and even told each other we loved each other.  But at the weekend I messed up.  Badly.  I got drunk and our usual kissing turned in to much much more.  We had sex without protection and ever since I have not been able to eat or sleep because I'm so disgusted with myself for not telling him beforehand and getting carried away in the moment.  I keep avoiding him now which is making him feel rejected and upset but I just don't know what to do now!?!? What if I have given it to him?  I was not having an outbreak at the time and I was also taking suppression tablets every day......but within about 48 hours I felt a MAJOR outbreak coming on (probably due to combination of brutally stressing about the situation and the alcohol I drank that night).  

I've been avoiding his calls and texts in case he says he has an itch down there or something......or even worse that he wants to see me (and have sex again?).  What do I do?  What if he has it? What do I say? I mean he has every right to be REALLY angry about all of this, I just don't have the courage to tell him.  I know I can't hide from him forever but I really don't know what to do or how to approach things.  The fact that my bits are on fire right now just makes everything 10000 times worse.  I feel so bad. Do you think he may have caught it? Do you think it's worth telling him now?  Or should I just finish with him for his own benefit and hope that he didn't get it in this occasion? I'm so lost........

 

2

Ok first, deep breaths. We all make mistakes, but I know you know this was a big one and I don't need to harp in that, you get what you did was very wrong and are suffering the consequences now.

Now, the chances you passed it to him are very low. Statistics state female to male transmission, abstaining during symptoms, having sex 3xs a week for a yr on daily suppression is only 2%.

Someone could have an OB immediately after sex and still not be contagious. Herpes can come up very quickly and it does take a certain amount of virons, to be present on the skin to be contagious to start. Think like 40,000,000 is the number, so that's a lot. So I wouldn't stress.

Now w that said, there is a chance that he's going to be very angry and feel betrayed, but I've seen the exact opposite response from men on here when they were told after the fact. They felt bad for the girl and how hard that must have been.

If he really loves you, he's not going to go anywhere, but you do need to come clean. I believe if he did catch it and had symptoms, he'd probably text you, since you're not answering.

You're gonna have to put your big girl panties on and do what you have to do, before you create anymore damage and ruin things wnthe man if your dreams. Explain to him exactly what you said here. Also, Google H Opportunity and download the disclosure pamphlet and the statistical sheet. It's straight to the point and will not overwhelm him.

3

Thank you so much for your honest and helpful reply.

 It also helps that I spoke to him and he was acting completely normal (even though I acted distant and weird *sigh*).  I think it would be inappropriate for me to discuss the situation during a telephone conversation, so I guess I need to figure out what to say and do the next time I see him.  I really do feel like it would be less difficult and painful to just finish with him than to face telling him and then being rejected.  I know I shouldn't have such a defeatist attitude but honestly these last few days of agonising over the fact I could have possibly given it to him have been a living HELL, I'm also very worried that I may feel like this EVERY time we sleep together if he were to accept me and continue our relationship.

I will be sure to check out the phamplets you directed me too but I guess my next question to the forum would be to ask how best to approach this topic with him? And can you share any real life experiences of having to tell someone about this?  I've only ever needed to tell one other person before and I had known him for a fairly long time before we spoke about it.  It was one of the most emotional conversations Either of us had ever had, there were plenty of tears but it worked out ok.  

 

4

Well, I've only disclosed once and it was to an old flame, that was never anything serious, I did it in all the wrong ways and balled my eyes out, because ibwas only 5 months into my diagnosis at the time and hadn't completely accepted it. We didn't talk much more about it after that, because I was balling my eyes out and said I just couldn't do it and then we stopped talking. We started talking again last month I bought it up again, but through text. I stated that there is always risk that I could pass it to him, although small and is he sure this is something he wants to deal w. Then I sent him the small fact sheet w the statistics and based on using protection, meds or nothing at all. He said OK, well it's a small chance right? I said yes, but are you sure you want to deal w the fact that sex may not be spontaneous all the time and he said he was fine w that and there were always other ways of pleasing one another. I asked how would he feel in the event that he got it, would he resent me and he said no, because he took the risk and knew the facts.

That's all I have, but there are other's on here and I can request a guy to comment on this thread, who found out from someone else that the girl he was dating had herpes and hadn't told him yet. He was very accepting of it and is still w her. He wasn't even mad at her. He felt bad for her and how scary it must feel to have to disclose to someone. I've also seen where people were mad.

On that site, there are similar stories to yours and there is an area specifically for success stories. There is a video on disclosure on that site too.

I think you need to just sit him dkwn and state that there's been a reason you've been avoiding him and it's not him, it's because of you. That there is something that you have to share w him that is very hard to share and because he means so much to you and you feel so terrible about it, that you didn't know how to tell him, because you made a very big mistake and got caught up in the moment.

Then explain that you have herpes, show him the statistical pamphlet and explain that you are on antivirals and you weren't experiencing any signs or symptoms and his risk was 2% or lower. Do not tell him about your current OB, you will only freak him out and it is likely unnecessary anyway. I tell people in a relationship w someone to not tell every time something pops up shortly after sex, because sex can be a trigger for it, doesn't mean it was present during the act it self and you'll just create unnecessary stress every time. If they get it, they'll know and I'd they get it and don't have symptoms, then that can be addressed when the relationship ends and they can get tested.

Explain how you are so sorry and be completely vulnerable about the fact that you felt so much guilt about this, you were thinking about just letting him go, but you love him so much and he means so much, you just couldn't do that and you deserved to know the truth.

I think he may be angry, but if he really cares, he's not going anywhere. When will you see him? I think the sooner you get it over w, the better in this situation; either wise you're going to just let fear and anxiety continue to eat at you and create more distance between you two.

5

Thanks again for being so honest and open with me.  I had a look at the website you suggested but I didn't find it very easy to find any of the sections you mentioned.  Everything required either an email sign up or payment ($250!! for some ebooks!), so sadly I wasn't able to find any extra info over there.  But not to worry the info you have given here has both given me food for thought and a little bit of comfort.  

Currently my guy is going through some personal issues of his own so there's not much chance of meeting up in the coming days, but I'm kind of glad about that as it gives me time to consider all the options and what approach to take.  I'm still running everything over in my mind and slightly fretting that he may have caught it.  Another thing that I've tried to take in to consideration is what I would do if I was in his shoes......

I keep thinking back to the guy who gave it to me and asking myself if he had have been honest and told me he had H, would I have accepted him and carried on the relationship? In all honesty I really really don't know.  Of course I would have been grateful to be told and emphatic about the situation but I'm just not sure wether I would have stuck with him or not and I almost feel cruel forcing my new guy to have to make that decision because it's a bit of a "dammed if you do, dammed if you don't" type situation.  When I say dammed, I don't mean having H is the end of the world, but it's something to "deal with", that you never signed up for in the beginning.  I still keep thinking that because I really care about him it will be easier for us both in the long run to just go our separate ways then he won't have to spend his time worrying if he has got it or if it's ok to touch me and I won't have to worry about giving it to him or him one day leaving me.  Being alone is not a fulfilling lifestyle choice but it seems much easier than watching the person you love suffer.........

 

6

I'm not sure what you're looking at, but it's rather easy to find your way around. It's definitely worth creating an account on there. I'll send you a pm w my personal email and I can email them to you directly.

Again you're putting the cart before the horse. You have got to stop thinking about all the what ifs, or you're going to drive yourself insane.

You said your ex accepted you. Did you ever pass it to him? I have several friends that have never passed it to their partners. It's much harder for a female to pass to a male, than the other way around. That's why statistics are, 1 in 4 women have genital herpes and 1 in 8 men do.

7

Hi, cant sleep and was thinking about the H b/c I'm meeting a guy who I just told about the H this weekend, and needed a lift (I always come on here for a lift, b/c feel connected).......and was reading your story.

I feel for you so much, we had sex too but I had disclosed the H to him before our sex, now its our first talk afterwards, after 2 weeks of silence from him.  I'm not expecting anything positive from this talk but glad to do in person.

Be strong gf, its the hardest thing, but please tell him, every one has a right to know as did you in the beginning.  I cant tell you the outcome but remember you needed time to handle it and I assume he will too.

write me anytime, talking always helps. 

8

So sorry Liz he did that to you and I hope things go well when you guys me to discuss. When will that be? Let me know how it goes and good luck! You deserve to be treated well and good on you for disclosing, I know it's not easy.

9

I can't thank you both enough for the support, honestly it really makes such a difference to know you are not alone in this situation.  

For Liz, would you mind telling me about when you disclosed? What did you say and how did he take it? As you read above, I have told one other person and it was REALLY difficult, but made easier because I knew the guy really well......this time is going to be a hell of a lot more difficult because I've absolutely no idea how he is going to react!  Also, how did your talk go?  I hope it worked out well.......

 

10

I'm always here for you, I too find talking makes me feel better and I learn something new each time :-) Knowledge is power.

I disclosed after I knew there was a connection, he was talking sex, what he wanted to do to me, etc. And I felt the same, so many things I wanted to do do him, wanted it just as  much as he did.  I went by everything I read on line but was unable to meet at a neutral place, he had planned dinner at his house, but I asked to met earlier in day to discuss but him having kids was the problem, no time to meet me.  So I went to his house, we sat on couch, he was very touchy of course, no clue what was coming, (killing me the whole time) I wanted to rip his clothes off instead, but instead explained my background of how I got it and said it. Killed me to say it, b/c I care deepily about him.

I can remember exactly, He sat staring straight ahead, saying nothing, then reached over touched my leg, (that meant the world to me) and said 'we would figure it out as we went along.'  I asked 2 or 3 times, we should wait, or are you sure, that kind of stuff, then said he was sure, wanted to make love to me for 1st time, we did.....I felt so at ease with him, loved every minute of it.......and dont regret making love to him  even though he might.  (great sex too) next am I left, then 2 weeks of complete silence, killer silence in my book.

After 2 weeks, I recd text from him, 'I hope all is well.' not the kind of text you expect after making love but I wrote back and asked if we could met for a drink and talk, he responded YES. I couldnt do this via text, and hoped he was the kind of person who couldnt either and looks like he is so far.

So here we are this weekend, we are meeting Sat in the park, neutral place, ironic, b/c that"s where I wanted to talk in the beginning.  He hasnt asked any questions so sure he as seen all the negative about H, but the stats are there, so do you run from someone who is open, honest and cares about you for the unknown future person who is most likely NOT to tell the truth and be honest with you.....You will not find 100% perfect person out there, they dont exist

You and I will both find unconditional love, need to love us not it! We didnt change, still the same person we were before :-)

xoxoxox 

 

11

Thanks for sharing Liz, especially since I've not been in a sexual relationship since I got it, although I did disclose to one person. He just isn't right for me.

The same site I recommend to her you should join if you haven't already and print out the pamphlet for disclosure and has statistic risks based on sex 3xs a yr and type of protection or no protection. I think that will help him ease his mind. Good luck to both of you and both of you keep me updated. I look forward to hearing good news for you both. You both can do this and hang in there!

12

I should have mentioned, I did show up at house house with pamphlets/printed materials but he didnt care to look at any or even keep, think he was in shock at the moment.  Said he would google it.

And yes, at your reommendation, I had joined the other website, H opportunity too, I find all very helpful.

So nervous about tomorrow, can hardly function, but taking deep breaths, one day at a time.

13

So you brought those pamphlets from the site? If not, bring them w you again. They are correct information.

I have now just had another OB right after having one clearing up. Lack of sleep and stress is getting the best of me. Ugh.

Don't worry, you can do this! I'll say a prayer for you!

14

Well things are not looking too good for me ladies......

I haven't had a chance to arrange any sort of talk or meet up with him because he just doesn't seem to be interested any longer.  I'm not sure why, it could be any number of reasons but of course I'm deeply worried that he may be experiencing symptoms of H and doesn't know how to talk to me about it or even hates me right now. It would be so much better if he gave a reason for his loss of interest.....I'd be over the moon if it was because he just wasn't in to me or he though my breathe smelled or I was too boring or something lol..... Anything but me having given him H.  I know not everyone has a moral compass and some people can lie and do bad things without batting an eyelid and just move on with their life or keep the lie up forever.  But I'm just not that kind of person!  If guilt was an illness I'd be in hospital in intensive care right now because it literally feels like it's killing me.  No matter the outcome of this situation I will NEVER EVER find myself in this predicament ever again in my lifetime.  I'd much rather never have sex ever again than to deal with such torment.  Is a sex life really worth all the agro?

Liz, the fact your guy knows and is willing to meet and talk is a real blessing even if nothing comes out of it.  He has given you consideration, even if ultimately he doesn't want to take the risk long term, in my mind that's all I could really hope someone would do (consider me rather than just run for the hills). I absolutely applaud you for having the courage to tell him and deal with the aftermath (whatever it may be).  You are a good person and you deserve the best, if he doesn't want to be with you then it is his loss........

Feelbroken, I can relate to your "ob after an ob" situation, as I have really frequent outbreaks too.  I would say that that down below is "sick" (that's what me and my ex used to call it), about a week in every month on average. I've tried everything, seriously you name it and I've tried it - every vitamin pill, diet, gadget, homeopathic remedy, medication, etc, and nothing stops it in its tracks, only makes things milder or happen less often.

Feelbroken, I was thinking earlier about what you said about not telling him about my current ob and I agree that mentioning it could just make him kinda of freak out. However, I was also thinking about a scenario where I tell him and he says it's ok and let's make love and then I would have to say "I can't right now because I'm having an ob"..... What a buzz kill!  In fact that could make him change his mind right there and then!  With that in mind, if he does get in touch, I don't want to meet up with him and talk to him until I am 100% healed.  

Maybe I'll never hear from my guy again, maybe I will never know why, but I know one thing for sure, I will never again put anyone (or myself!) in this crappy situation.  I truly have taken a hard lesson from my "mistake"......never to be repeated again!  I either tell someone before we even kiss or there is no kiss! 

Liz, I really am rooting for you and I hope your meet up goes as well as we all hope.  Please drop back here and tell us how it went wether good or bad.

Thanks again guys, your insights and support are invaluable. 

 

15

I think in that scenario, you just say that you want to slow down, because you two haven't seen one another or spoken much since then and you want to make absolute sure, he's OK w everything. Plus, you can always say that all the stress of this, made symptoms flare and I'd rather be safe, than sorry. W that said, there's plenty I can do, to make it special for you and take care of you.

Why do you think he's done? Maybe he's pulled away, because you were being distant too and he doesn't want to get hurt. In aans mind, he can translate that as, sex was bad for you and/or you think he's too small and that's the reason for your distance and that's a massive go blow. I've gone distant before in the past, due to sex being really bad w someone I had lots of chemistry w, just apparently not in the bedroom. It really was a blow to his ego... This is why i said not to be distant w him anymore, because he may take it wrong and pull back.

Listen, we all make mistakes and it's OK. Forgive yourself. The difference between you and what I've seen others do, is their uttwr lack of remorea and how nonchalant they were about it. Those are not good people, you are a good person. Be kind to yourself.

In regards to him having symptoms, I doubt that's what's going on. When I had symptoms 3 days later, the first thing I did was contact my giver, before I was even diagnosed.

When's the last time you heard from him and what did he say?

16

Feelbroken, I know I can only make wild assumptions right now, without knowing what what's really going on, but I highly doubt that he has pulled away due to his ego being hurt because the sex was really GOOD, and he knows it was, I told him and also I know the connection was there. 

I was acting kind of distant and quiet towards him but I did respond to him, albeit not as enthusiastic or my normal bubbly self, but none the less I didn't completely ignore him, which is what he is doing to me now. I've texted him to ask how he is doing and how his day is going and I've heard nothing back for 2 days now.  The last time I heard from him was on Wednesday afternoon and he was fairly normal, just telling me what he's doing and looking forward to seeing me again......since then nothing, and we spoke at least a couple of times a day before. 

I know there's only a slim chance that he caught it but that's enough for me to lose sleep.  When you contacted your giver what did you say? And how were you certain it was him? I've read stories of people not showing symptoms until years after getting it.  That's kind of my concern with my guy too, that if he has caught it he may be confused about where he got it from and what to do because he was sexually active before he slept with me, whereas he knew and it was also apparent that I had not been sexually  active for a pretty long time before him.

So my point is, if he did have symptoms he may not assume that I gave it to him.  I hate to think he may be going through all the torment alone.....the pain, itching, feeling "dirty", the bad thoughts all alone.  When I contracted H, the guy was an ass*ole for not telling me but at least I didn't have to sit and wonder where I got it from and handle it alone.

 

17

Yes, but you pulled away after sex and he doesn't know why. Think about it if you were in his shoes, you'd make assumptions too if they pulled away like you did. Even if it was good, your behavior after gave an impression you weren't into him or maybe it was sex. Remember, you're trying to think for him as a woman and we do not think the same way as men do. He may assume you lost interest, so he's not sure what to do. Normally I tend to not give people the benefit of the doubt and jump to the worst conclusions, so this is a rarity for me. I think it's much deeper than you realize. Remember, actions speak louder than words, so it doesn't matter that you told him, you didn't show him. Men go by actions.

Regardless of what men like to say, they play games more than women do and he may be kind of making you pay and wanting to see you chase. Alas, just stop responding and see if he reaches out. Trust me, I suck at this stuff too. This is why I don't have the energy to date. I don't have it in me to deal w trying to figure out if someone is playing games w me. Lol.

I was certain it was him, because I hadn't had sex for two yrs and had been tested for herpes. Also, I had a horrendous OB. My blood test came back negative a week after infection, but my culture was positive. That means it's a brand new infection, because I had not built antibodies yet. I responded aggressively to him, because I know he knew, as we has the talk before sex and there were things he said that should have been red flags for me. He told me to never contact him again, even after I said that I had an appt in a couple of days and would let them know what he said. That is not the reaction of an Innocent person or someone unaware they're a carrier. Seen this all too much.

For all you know, this guy has it. Trust me, nobody goes silent I'd they've only slept w one person recently and is having symptoms. I know people who broke out months or yrs later after infection and they don't have horrific obs like had for my primary. I had neuropathy so severe, I felt like a burn victim and had to be put on anticonvulsants. I also counted 22 sores/bumps at one point and I got very ill. People who have been harboring it, don't have that reaction. I took my blood test 3 months later after infection and that time it came up positive. It takes 3-4 months to build antibodies and in rarer cases, 6 months.

If you're worries about him having got it and being distant because he has recently been sexually active w others (which you need to go get tested yourself because of that and not using condoms), then I'd text him asking he give you a call, because you have something very important to tell him.

18

Ladies, you have been busy without me lol

So   let me catch up, I agree with Feelbroken, that you are jumping ahead, your actions speak louder than words, be the same you, dont change, you are still the same person and let him see that.

My example to you......so today is the day I meet my guy (3pm) in the park, neutral place of course......I plan on wearing a cute sun dress, ......b/c I know he likes dresses,......I'm doing what I would normally do, be flirty with the guy I like, I havent changed and nor should you.

xoxoxoxo hugs to you both

19

Sorry about your OB, sleep and less stress for all of us......I should take my own advice, its 3am and I'm up typing

20

Good luck girly! Said a prayer for you! Hang in there, you got this!