Am I depressed or just lazy and sad?

Mental health
1

Hey guys, I don't know if I have depression or just plain lazy or just sad. I'm guessing it all started from last year. I go on with my life normally, because I have to. Every time I got home I just don't do anything productive. I just immediately go to my computer/phone to entertain myself. (I also have a lot of games to attend to. I try to keep busy. Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about me being depressed or not.)

If you ask me if I feel sad most of the time, I'll answer with "I don't know?" Hopeless? "I guess?" Emptiness? "I don't know." Thoughts of suicide? "Definitely." Maybe I actually just feel normal? I still smile and laugh. Just sometimes think why am I even alive. I'm such a burden.

I've hurt myself last year. Just twice. I think I deserved more to be honest. (Okay, I self-blame a lot. It's normal for me. I can't help it.)

I socialize with others normally. I sometimes mention death and me committing suicide jokingly to my friends. They don't suspect anything. When someone jokes about death, I just laugh thinking they don't know how much I want that.

I'm still here cause I'm scared of the afterlife.

I seriously think that I can live by with my condition. I convinced myself that I'm just lazy and sad. This is probably just a phase. Hence, I've never gone to a professional. (I've tried a lot of tests, but I can't agree with it when I'm so unsure about myself.)

I've been keeping this to myself.

I'm probably just over thinking this.

Thoughts?

 

(English isn't my first language.)

2

Hi Alystal. So sorry that you are hurting so much. You said that you have been like this for a year. Did something happen about a year ago? Diane

3

Hi feeling suicidal like this is a red flag something is seriously wrong as it self harming.  Stop trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong and make an urgent appointment with your doctor.  x

4

That's the problem. I don't know. Maybe I'm stressed because of college? I honestly never thought about it.

5

It sounds like more than just sadness. I think you'd probably benefit from having someone to talk to, like a counsillor or therapist, to figure out why you're feeling this way.

6

Alright. I'll try talking to my friend first about it though.

7

I'm planning to talk to my friend about this. I'm scared that they'll feel uncomfortable. This is gonna take some time....

8

Hi have you thought of anything that might jab happened about a year ago?

9

Alystal - Make an appointment with your doctor. Be open and honest. Stop self-diagnosing. You need a professional to asses you. 

10

I had a really hard time last year and was struggling with some depression and anxiety and was also afraid to talk about it but I finally opened up to one of my friends and it brought us so much closer and she was very understanding. If your friend is uncomfortable its because they don't quite understand but if they can get over that and be there for you to listen you know you have a good friend by your side. The first part to felling better is to talk about it, but its also the hardest part. Good luck

11

Sadly, no. I just hope that it WAS something from year ago... not before college....

12

I just talked to my friend. He was surprised. lol

Thanks for the suggestion!

13

Yeah, I've thought about that, but I have money problems, so...