Hello I'm a new user that's really just using this forum to hopefully get some advice or even just typing this up to hopefully by the end ease this turmoil I feel inside of me.
I'm 24 I haven't been diagnosed with any mental health issues, I've never gone to the doctors before on anything regarding it. Honestly tho I think I've had Anxiety for practically my whole life it feels. I've only had an actual anxiety attack once and that was only by watching a horror movie funnily enough, tho since then I've had about 2 times in the space of months where I'd feel one coming on but be able to distract myself from it to not go into a full panic attack.
I've been a constant over thinker and worrier my whole life. I often travel on public transport and think things like if something happens like the bus tips over how could I reduce my chances of potentially getting hurt or escaping the situation. It doesn't happen always but I feel paranoid going outside and travelling to work and other places. I generally just feel like I can't go outside tho I force myself because I'm so scared if something happens around me or to me.
Recently I just feel lately I've been getting worse since I've moved out with my partner I just feel like anything to do with money just sets me of in panic mode where I get more irritable and annoyed and end up being mean to my partner because In my mind I feel I can''t cope with it all I just feel like I'm doing something wrong in the money department that I seem be struggling with whereas everyone around me can buy £100 bags and yet I feel guilty buying a £3 meal deal from Tesco sometimes because I'm worried about spending. I just feel like everyone out to get more money from me which I don't have. My digestive system I feel is getting worse and I don't know if it's all the stress that's causing it but I'm constantly bordering on diarrhoea almost everyday and constipation as well as haemorrhoids.
I'm lucky that I do enjoy my work and get up alright in the morning to eat and wash for my job. But then on my weekends I just don't want to do anything but sit on my computer if it wasn't for my work I'd feel like I'd have to even push myself to have a shower.
I've never really self harmed I'm a huge coward when it comes on inflicting pain on myself unless constantly looking in the mirror to pop any spots I see counts as a weird self harm? I don't really do it to look good or anything I feel like it's almost calming to do it which is bad since it leaves a lot of small scars.
I'm to scared to tell my parents or anyone because I feel like I'm just going to be a bother to them or they'd be disappointed in me. I know my mother suffers from depression which when I still lived with her made me really fearful of her mood swings in the past since I'd normally be on the receiving end if her mood turned foul. Tho our relationship since moving has improved I still feel timid. My partner I've been with for 7 years now tho I do care for him really seems to hate it when I get myself so worked up over things and doesn't understand that I just can't help it when I just suddenly feel so trapped by everything.
I'm nervous on talking to a doctor about mental health since I just feel like I'll look stupid or they'll tell me I'm completely fine or just throw a leaflet at me like they seem to do. I've been at my surgery my whole life almost and I don't have a specific doctor I see every time, and I guess I just feel nervous spilling all my woes to a complete stranger who I feel may just criticise me.
I honestly just feel like my own worst enemy I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm literally crying as I type all this I'm so lost on what to do please.