Anxiety is running and ruining my life.

Mental health
1

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, but sadly not new to the symptoms of anxiety and depression (mainly caused by the former).

Oh, just one thing, I wish to apologise for my rather long (back story) and quite detailed first post to this site.

I've suffered from various forms of anxiety, such as social and general anxiety and also have really bad problems with low self esteem, lack of confidence, self-consciousness and depression, and in extreme circumstances low self worth, and have done so for most of my life.

My symptoms are hereditary (past down by my mother) and also due to my upbringing, as all my immediate family (mother and two brothers) suffer from the same problems, and it has pretty much ruined my brothers lives too.

I found out around five years ago that I was actually suffering from something, and that it actually had a name (mainly the GAD and SAD) after reaching my wits end and deciding to do a search on the internet.

After doing more research and armed with the knowledge I had gained, I plucked up enough courage to book an appointment with my doctor.

I was put on medication (citalopram 10mg, then increased to 20mg then finally 40mg) and placed on a waiting list for CBT. Six months later I was booked in for my first session with the CBT therapist. I had fourteen sessions in total over the course of fourteen months, and ended my medication (mainly because of the side effects) around halfway through the course of CBT. That was just over two years ago, and though there has been some improvement, I feel that the course was not long enough and that the sessions had ended way too soon.

I don't really suffer from panic attacks any more (though have never really push myself to test this), But the anxiety, low self esteem, lack of confidence, self-consciousness, depression and (occasionally) low self worth still remain.

 

2

I do work for a living (or is it live to work ?, though still not quite sure about this), so I do feel as though I have a reason to leave the house. I have been doing this for over fifteen years (leaving the house for work that is), but feel that each time is just as difficult as all the previous attempts, nothing seems to get easier. It's like a reset switch is pressed and I have to go through the whole (same old) process of procrastinating, delaying and confidence building every time I leave the house, It's so tedious and exhausting. Then after all that, you've still got to then deal with facing the outside world. sad

The one thing I have noticed over the years, is that when I am feeling anxious (be it on public transport or walking down the street for example) my anxiety and the fact that I am feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious shows in my facial expression. Depending on the situation, my facial expressions seem to be either a neutral (though rather unhappy) expression, which possibly gives the impression I want to avoid contact, approach or confrontation. The expression of fear, because I am actually feeling very scared at that particular moment. Or sometimes the expression of anger because I am actually feeling either threatened or intimidated.

 

3

All this has a really negative effect on pretty much everything I do and also how I feel, as I get a lot of dirty looks (which I guess is expected under the circumstances) from most people I see (passing in the street, for example) or come in to contact with. People usually either try to avoid me, act stand offish or sometimes may even act aggressively towards me, which only serves to make me feel even more anxious and/or self-conscious than I already am. So many times I have felt like saying to these sorts of people 'Do you have any idea how scared and anxious I am actually feeling right now ?, that's my reason for my facial expression, what's yours ?', but I don't have the confidence to do that. Oh well, It's a vicious and depressing cycle, but how does one break that cycle ?.

I must say, I'm really sorry (again) for my very long and (overly) detailed ramblings. But I guess (for some) on-line is the only chance we get to say how we really feel, and just hope someone out there somewhere, may be listening.

What a terrible, debilitating and under-recognised condition this really is. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Regards

Trooper

 

4

Did you not think that you ended your medication to early IE: halway through the CBT sessions the sensible thing to have done was to see your doctor as some of the side effects may have been dose related and the time time to have come of them all together would have been at least 2-3 months after CBT.  Just a thought

5

HI there!

I understand exactly how you feel, i've been suffering from panic attacks for years now and they are seriously bad. I may not have what you have but i completly understand what you are going though. From what i can understand is that you think you have no self worth but i can tell you everyone has meaning in this world and even though yo may feel like you are nothing, i can tell you even though i don't know you, you are not nothing, you are someone and something special to somebody trust me.

Grace

6

I have been thinking this over the last few month, that maybe I was a little too quick to end the medication. But at the time I ended the medication, I really felt that negatives far out weighed the benefits. You know what. I think you're probably right, I may book an appointment to go and see my doctor and have a chat about possibly going back on the medication. After all, what have I got to loose ?.

 

7

Good on you Trooper I like a trier and you sure sound like one to mecheesygrin

8

Hi gracie, yeah, the panic attacks are one of the worst parts of this terrible condition. It's almost like a total loss of control, a mental breakdown, and it's bad enough trying to have some form of control with this condition at the best? of times. What makes things worse, is that there are so many elements to this life consuming condition, and so many things that can trigger a bad experience. Also having bad days or sometimes not so bad days, and rarely (if ever) a good day is pretty much the norm, which can make a person feel it's a never ending (and exhausting) struggle and there seems to be no way out of this constant and vicious cycle.

 

9

Thanks Peter smile, I'm sure we are all triers, some more than others, admittedly. But we all share this condition (in it's various forms) which only serves as another obstacle for us to deal with, which seems to make trying even harder.

 

10

Right!, well I've booked that appointment with my doctor, and will be seeing him this morning in just over an hour and a half. Feel a little hesitant, light headed and have butterflies in my stomach, but I guess that's normal. Anyway, here goes, wish me luck, and I really hope I don't get a refusal for medication.

 

11

best of luck and I cannot see why he would refuse, you have to go in there with a hangdog expression and appeal to his/her better nature