Hello. This is the first time I've posted on any type of forum like this. I'm a 32 year old female and my life has litterally ground to a halt. I suffrered an enormous emotional trauma during my teenage years, my mother died and my father waited a year until I was 18 and sold the family home...leaving me with no where to go. It was a chaotic time and I went off the rails, constantly putting myself in dangerous situations and regularly self harmed. My saving grace was meeting my boyfriend, who I am still with after all this time. We now have a 6 year old son together. I should be happy, right? I feel so guilty for not being happy. My past haunts me. I can't get over the overwhelming sadness deep inside, I have so much bitterness and unresolved anger. Life terrifies me. I'm afraid of people, i panic whenever I have to go out. I can't even go to appointments by myself. I've been on 40mg Citalopram since my son was born, they have helped me function to a point. I managed to get a little part time jon at a local school. Of course now I'm in constant fear I will lose it. Money is a big problem..or the lack of it. My partner works his fingers to the bone trying to provide for us, I feel so bad that Im too damn petrified to get a better paying job with longer hours. I did for a while before my son was born, and I ended up having a nervous breakdown because of the stress. (Retail environments are cruel and thankless) Now I hardly see my partner because he's either working or sleeping, I feel like a awful mother and partner because i cannot shake my intense fear of the world. The only place I feel safe and relatively calm is inside my house. Things just seem to be getting worse. I've thought about suicide more times than I care to admit. I wouldn't do it. My son is my tether to life. I'm sorry this post is so long. I just don't know what to do or even say to my doctor if I went to see him again.
My story is similar to yours; I'm 36 I had a horrendous childhood, I'm married with a 6 year old and my husband works all hours and I don't work at all; he knows about my anxiety. I would like to work but my anxiety always gets in the way of everything!
As you've discovered, meds can only take you so far, the best logical step is to ask for psychotherapy (not CBT) at your drs. If you want lasting change its the only real way to go
Hi Indigo l have read your post and one thing that stands out to me is that you suffer a lot of guilt which is never a good thing to carry around with you.You need help to come to terms with your past so you can stop beating yourself up about it.Your anger also has to be addressed.Drugs are not a cure and to get help you need to be referred to a therapist that can help you with your anxiety.You have had to deal with a lot so get the help you need now and start the recovery process.
I feel your pain. I am sorry you are dealing with such intense anxiety and depression. Please seek help. Talk to your family doctor and ask them to refer you to a therapist. It sounds like you have a lot to talk through. Also, share how you feel with your partner. There are so many of us here who understand, so keep talking to us too. It will help.
Your post brought a tear to my eye, as I could definitely relate to your story. My teenage years were horrendous too, my father died when I was very young. Didn't know my Mother till my teens, and I couldn't get on with her, so really understand how you feel, can relate to the suicidal feelings. I never had therapy and know I should have, as it has affected my whole life. I would advise you to see your GP, you need therapy to help you process all the pain and guilt you're carrying around with you, so you can enjoy the happiness you deserve, you will probably still need medication while you recover, Wishing you the very best and come on here if you want to talk, or vent, some lovely caring people on this forum.
Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the input. I will make an appointment to see the doctor again, although the mental health services where I live are next to non existent. Doctors are keen to palm you off with pills. I don't have the money to go private. I do talk things through with my partner, and he's been very understanding and accomodating but he's dealing with a own issues too. He lost his father two years ago, and all he really does anymore is work, waiting for that promotion that never comes. I can't lay my woes on him too much because I don't think he can take it at this point. I dont have any other family really, and I have acquaintances at best through work and my son's school friends but no one who I really know or trust. Hence the reason im here...anonymity is great. I will try looking for a CBT app or something, I tried an online course some time ago and it was helpful at the time but putting the ideas into practice outside the example scenarios is pretty hard. Thanks again for taking the time to read.
You know what you did whatever you did at the time. No ones judging you so dont judge your younger self. Forgive it all and let it go. You know nothing you can ever think, do or ourchase can take you back and redo the past. Nothing. Its done. You are afraid of people because of many reasons some i think you know. You learned you can actually rely in a human for your happiness or your well being completely. But you somehow disregarded yourself. Look you are a oerson and a very string one! You have acquired many life lessons but learn from them and love yourself. These life occurances are meants to helo you climb a mountain not fall down the mountain love. You viewing the challenge wrong here. Whi gives a hoot what the prident way should have been. There is no prident way to anything. We all are given circumstanceces and we do our best at the time. And so what if it wasnt done perfectly. Who even cares. You got through it. So seriously pat yourself on the back. Dont allow anyone to judge you. So damn easy to judge. I have seen many judge then get steicken down and become totally different people. You know whats tough here..you! But you are viewing this all opposite of what it was and is. You didnt learn the life lesson yet. You eill. You will when you see all thise occurances and circumstamces as lessons and not punishments. Truth. I dont know your beliefs but i think we are all here in different soul stages to learn different things to raise ourselves higher. So this was your challenge.
you are busy trying to fit into a mold. A mold you formed that notes what you are suppose to feel, when and how. And its all garbage so it drage you down. Youre sad love you wanted a different past, diifferent live then the one you had. We all would love the roses and pansies life with loving diding humqns in our lives. But now youre grown. So forgive your self. Personally i think you did a fantastic job. But now you need to forgive and let go of the bs stories you keep feeding yourself.
ill give a secret insight into all this decades later. You are wasting all your energy on this bs. You got your health which is great. Believe me on that one. No one needs to control their lives or other lives. Look at everything as a challenge or a to do list not as a life or death situation. You frazzled your nervous system. So yes its in iver drive but it will heal over time. It does. Oce you change how you view stuff it allows the nerves to heal.the real actual nerves.
everyone with severe anxiety, chronic illness, auto immune stuff, any pain long standing ohysciall or mental thinks of suicide. They are thiughts. Hopefully fleeting thoughts. Dont empower them. They dont derve the power.
Stop yourself from thinking about tomorrow. You have zero control over it. All you can do is live now. Really. Not even a cliche. You somehow faked yourself to believing you have some real control over stuff..haha nah you dont. They do have low stress jobs. Janitors at schools, working from home..etc..look around.in the usa janitors get wonderful pay and benifits and have evening hours too. So you do your own thing with no nasty egos around. Just an example.
all your dr can do love is give you a pill. Pill of the trend. Do you really think a pill is so incredibly powerful it can remove lonliness, the past, heal all your wounds? Its a cast. That work half the time for half the people and you get to very slowly wean off them within years.A cast whilst you self correct yourself and beliefs.
I think your biggest beef is with yourself. They have winderful mediatiin on forgivnss and letting go. And tons of books and audios. Too bad you dont have a crystal ball of some sort to show you its all just life lessons and the extreme imprtance of loving yourself no matter what and that you have you in all this. I hooe you find the solace one day. Please dont be so judgy and such a bully to yourself. You are human. Whi the heck cares what another would do or did or any of that junk. There are trustworthy people out there and loving ones but you cant see it because you are way too busy gnawing your own arm off. You have you. Forgive yourself. Forgive the past. I promise you it was meant to raise you up not knock you down.
on a random note Lucky are the ones who walk theough life asleep and simple. But as time is going on they are going to be the rare ones. we all will be the stronger and more grounded ones. But that will take a couole of generations.
Your son needs you to teach him the ropes. To give him the best life and emotional stability you can. He needs you and you need him. Ove is the best thing ever to give and recieve. No mistakes made here. You have been placed together for a reason.
You will get through this. The secret is self love no matter what, its work but youll get there. One tiny step at a time.
Hi there,
I am 25 and I feel like I connect with you on a lot of things. This is maybe the 3rd or so post I've made on this forum, so I'm fairly new to it as well. I have had anxiety off and on for a couple of years. It feels like a never-ending nightmare or rollercoaster. After a lot of saying "no" to the idea, later this week, I am going to speak with a counselor who hopefully can help me in some way. It's pretty much the last resort for me, since I refuse to rely on a medication for this. This past weekend, my boyfriend & I went on a 3-day trip to Block Island, RI (I'm not sure where you live, but you should go if you have the chance....it's so fun!!!) I didn't feel any anxiety until we were on the boat returning to where my car was parked for the drive home. It's nice to be able to escape the feelings caused by anxiety, even if it's for a day or two. I never intend to bother my boyfriend with anything. It's just that we are close and he's one of the main people I rely on for support and help when I need it. I also rely on friends and family members. This is the one relationship where I don't want it to fail. I care about this guy way too much for that to be the case. It hasn't been easy but no relationship is easy....I guess they all take work to succeed. Sorry for the rant. What I'm trying to say is that my past haunts me too, but it doesn't define either of our futures. Or anyone's, for that matter. We all have had crap happen to us, but we all have to somehow find a way to move past it and leave it behind us. We have to move forward, not backwards.
It's nice to hear that you have a long-term boyfriend and you two share a son together...that must be awesome (I currently don't have any kids but hope to have them someday.) It makes me feel terrible that you're afraid to go out anywhere alone in public. I live in Connecticut and I would gladly help you if you lived close by, hoping to help eliminate the fear. How does your boyfriend respond to all of this? Is he supportive and understanding? Is he able to go to any appointments with you? If he can't or is busy, what about a close friend or family member? I find that sometimes, leaving my phone in a room for even an hour or two and being with somebody distracts me, which is good. I am lucky enough to have a sister-in-law who is only a couple years older than me and she is pregnant with her first baby. My sister is 32 and my brother is 34, so having her closer in age helps me and she's always up for getting together when time allows.
I fully understand about work. When my anxiety kicks in, I have a hard time staying at work too. I've left early a lot and I know it's not a good look, but I truly can't help it. My boyfriend is 27 and owns his own house and is an electrician. I'm 25, work two jobs and still live at home. It's difficult to not feel like you haven't moved along in life when things are like that. But my goal by the time I'm 27 is to be out on my own. So I have just under a year and a half to meet that goal. Anything is possible and the 3 things on my to-do list are: 1.) Get a better paying full-time job and not have to work 2 jobs anymore ; 2.) Get myself & my relationship back on track so I can be a better me & my relationship can last, even through the hard times, because there will always be some; 3.) Get my own place, even if it's a small apartment for the time being. Sure, I would love a newer place with fancier things, but that's not reality for your first place usually. It's all how you make it. All three goals boil down to how to make myself happier. What is it that makes you feel petrified to get a better-paying job? As far as the hours go, I can understand that because in the middle of an anxiety attack for me, time seems to go by much slower.
Please don't think of yourself as an awful mother. Even though I have never met you, I guarantee you're not an awful mother at all.....I would guess that you're a pretty good mother. My advice would be to talk privately with your boyfriend and just be open and honest with him about your feelings about everything you've discussed here. Please remember that no matter how bad things get, suicide is never the answer. Things can & will get better if you want them to. Like I said, I've never even met you but your boyfriend & son love you a lot and don't want to see anything happen to you. Just be open and have good communication and see how you guys can improve things together. I am here whenever you feel the need to talk, even if it's just to vent. Keep your head up 
- Carly