Depressed about being a virgin at 22

Mental health
1

Hey there.

I'm a 22 year old (23 in December) male and being a virgin depresses me to such an extent that it's hindering me from getting on with life; I spend so much of my time masturbating on a consistent basis and easily get distracted due to sexual-frustration. It's ineffable me to describe how badly it's affecting my life. I'll provide a bit of backstory about me to give you guys/girls a better understanding of myself. Most people would never guess I'm a virgin by the way. I've been told I'm confident, charming, and flamboyant.

I was bullied as a child and as a result hung around the wrong kind of people in my teenage years just to fit in. I was living a lie until I was 19 or so; hung around the wrong people, do things to fit in with others. and lived in foster care for a few year. I have never met my real dad but who know he lives abroad. I have 5 siblings who live in foster-care at the moment. I currently live with my mom and recently left my job due to stress but have enrolled on a personal-training course to build on my qualifications and hopefully make a career out of, albeit I'd need a part time job on the side. One reason I didn't do my personal training sooner is because  I had a really bad injury on my shoulder and still suffer from muscle imbalance on that site-but if people on wheelchairs can be decent personal, trainers, I can too, right? I'm fit and healthy for the most part and have no problems performing everday tasks, just heavy lifting is a problem, but I'm learning to live with it. I'd like to think I am "my own person now". In the last few years I've made a few real friends. I'm popular. Despite this I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone in the world about this.

Society frowns upon virgins, particularly if they're male. I've had a girlfriend when I was a lot younger but we wern't ready for ready for sex at the time. I've been single for the last 5 years or so due to a variety of  factors. A few people have confessed to me in the last six months, however,  I did not find them attractive; now I did consider seeing them because it'd give me a chance to solve my problem-but decided that it would be unfair on both of us, and I really wouldn't want to commit to a relationship that I didn't think would last. So yes, I declinded their offer. 

And it's most definitely not my looks the reason I'm still a virgin, I've been told that I am attractive a multitude of times; as flattering as this is, it makes the fact that I'm a virgin even worse. I'm kind of small for a guy but a lot of people find me attractive; albeit most of them are either in a relationship, or I'm not attracted to them, or if I am attracted to them to want to have sex with them, they'd expect to have a relationship after the sexual encounter, and I wouldn't want that unless they were attractive AND right personality wise. I know I'm being picky. I'm also really nervous because  I'm inexperienced.

I once went to a massage parlour and tthis attractive thai woman provided me with oral-sex; she said she'd be willing to have sex with me if I paid her £60 next time. While I did consider it, I think it'd mentally-destroy me in the long run; yes, it would help temporarily, but the fact that I'm an attractive person and had to pay for something I could get for free would just make my life even worse. At one point I was considering suicide, albeit this was a few years ago when my social life was dead. I'm not overly fond of clubbing but it is a decent way to get to meet new people and I do go out sometimes with a few friends. There was this one girl that actually offerred me sex too at a club, but she was VERY unnatractive and the kind that was showing EVERY guy attention. However, if she was attractive, I would have obliged despite her unrefined manner. I'm a cynical person but I'm open minded at the same time. Basically I would have been sick if I went through with it, but I DID consider it. Random girls have kissed me full on too on night outs. They imposed themselves on me too. If I did something like that I'd be labelled a pervert.

I just want to experience, sex, you know? I guess that's normal for someone my age. So many people in worse circumstances than mine have enjoyed sex, and I haven't. I know it's a pathetic reason to be depressed about.

Back when I was a carer for an infirm relative and consequently a hermit my social life was beyond-atrocious; after I stopped being a carer and got a shop my life did significantly get better.

At the moment the only thing that keeps me going is that I know that  people have it worse than me. There are millions of virgins out there who probably that get no where near the same amount of attention as me, but I'm me, I'm a flawed individual that is mentally-unstable despite my positive-demeanour. Not one of my friends would ever be able to tell I have this problem. 

I don't know what I'm expecting from this site? I've read copious amounts of books on how to deal with depression etc etc But I don't think anything other than having sex with someone will solve this. And I want to do it while I'm still young and decent looking. Before someone mentions dating sites I'd not feel comfortable uploading my picture on there partially due to the fact that people I know may use them.

At the moment this is how I view things:

I considering hiring an escort everyday to get it done with. No moral obligation to go out with her after that, Get it done with. Fun. But I know it'd destroy me mentally. I'm already depressed enough about this matter.

Have sex with a friend and risk screwing up our friendship.

Have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.

Or wait to meet a girl I like, and be a couple and have sex whenever! If only the world worked like that. 

It'd be pretty cool if there was a girl I found attractive in the same position and we went from there. But if I wouldn't admit to anyone I know, why would anyone else?

2

Please excuse the typos/poor grammar. I'm tired and I rushed this. x_x

3

Hi, I feel that you are focusing too much on the fact that your a virgin, infact i admire that you want to wait for the right girl and have a fulfilling relationship. I have known men that have been virgins into their 40's and found the right girl. You are still young and have plenty of time. Your right in that meaningless sex with escorts etc would be wrong it would destroy you emotionally.Please focus your life on other things and relax. It doesn't matter that your friends are not virgins they may wish they were. I have had meaningless relationships in the past and only wished i had waited. I was desperate for love and thought sex was love. I am alot older than you so in my experience don't let this eat you up, relax and enjoy your life, i am sure you will find love in time. Good luck.

 

4

Id just like to say that being a virgin is sometimes a good thing. Ive just finished university, and my housemate, who is now 22, is still a virgin. I love her to pieces and think shes amazing that has gone through uni without adheering to the social pressures of sex while at university. I respect her so so so much more that shes stayed strong. 

Saying that, being a virgin doesnt, and will not ever define you, or her. Dont let it smile

5

Faye is so right.

All this virgin talk, shouldn't and won't define you. And don't in my view, just go out and have sex just to get it over with. I guess your a sensative guy, and in the long run, just doing that, I reckon will cause problems long term. When the right person comes along, you will feel sooooo much better that you waited. And so will she!

6

My suggestion- and I mean this in the most positive way- is to wait to have sex until your married. I say this for many reasons... but one of the biggest reasons is that if you make a covenant with yourself to wait until you are married, then the pressure for finding someone who may be a one night stand is lifted. Instead, you can focus on finding someone you are compatible with.. a girlfriend you would like to spend the rest of your life with. 

7

Have to say I disagree with phatmarisa. If you wait till your married, and it's not a BAD thing, it could cause problems. You THINK she is the one, because you have no experiences of others, sexually or otherwise, and then as time goes on, you may, I mean you may not of course, start to think "wonder what it is like with somebody else"

And that could cause lot of problems

8

hi,

I would get some experience socially and maybe not depend on escorts.  Good Luck

plenty time you have your whole life ahead of you

richard

9

hi, i can totaly relate to you. for example today the reason i came across your article is because i typed into google 22 year old virgins. curious if i was the only one left in this world. i am 22 year old female and im still a virgin and the only thing i disagree with in your article is that its easyer to be a virgin as a girl because its definetly not. i like you have though before why dont i just get it over with i could just bring someone home from the bar. many time guys have wanted me to go home with them but i havent because is that really the way i want it. i go on dates but then afterward they often expect me to go home with them because most people sleep together after a few dates. at 22 the topic of sex comes up fairly quickly witch makes me so self concious everytime i plan to met someone new or hang out with a guy just the two of us for the first time or go on a date because i know it wont be long till it comes up and ill have to tell them im a virgin. this makes me avoid dates all together a lot of the time assuming that they wont be ok with it. then when i eventually if i do end up having to awkwardly tell them im a virgin i am faced with the following;

well how many dates do we have to go on before we can have sex?

i hate being asked this makes me feel like u will just wait out the time if its not too long. glad u care about me

why are u still a virgin? always asked this and its supper hard to answer.

your not waiting till mariage are you? no im not but its like its not ok to be a virgin if its not for a religious reason

then the ones that are overly excited because they think they are the lucky ones you will get to sleep with a virgin. witch makes me feel like they only want to take my virginity and leave

in todays world its sex then relationship, sometime i fell me asking to have started a relationship before we have sex is just simply asking for too much. im not asking for the person i lose it too to be my one true love or any of that bullsh*t but i would like to feel like they care about me a litle bit and have some respect for me.

10

Hey! I am not sure if you still are a virgin or not anymore. I just came across your post and i wanted to tell you that there is nothing you have to worry about! I too am a virgin at the age of 22. And the people (i liked) i told it too, only thought it was amazing. They absolutely adored it and wanted so badly to be my first hahaha it's like an honour. But even if i would get negative responses: WHO CARES? Boyy you are just living your life on the sexual part on your own speed. You don't have to fit in or follow the tribe?! Hahaha. I am sure you are experienced in other things in life that others aren't. You have been born with yourself, and you are gonna die with yourself: so accept yourself and have fun with the ride! You will always be your partner, doesn't matter in which relationship you are! wink

11

Hi there xx i think its an admirable thing these days and dont think u should put so much pressure on yourself. My friend was the same & looked for love in all the wrong places & was so unhappy as a result . It will happen when u least expect it & aren't looking too hard x ;0)

12

Don't forget, there's always a lady of the night only too happy to help you with certain problems. All the best. 

13

I just stumbled into this site, I know your complaint is over a year ago but I will still comment on your post.

I love the fact you are a virgin at 22 years, boy or girl it is great in the world today. I am also depressed cause I haven't had sex all my life. I am 26years of age now and it isn't being easy, I am talking of 3years after school. But you should know that the Lord is with you. We are rare people in the world today just endure is just for a while and never cease to pray.

14

Hello, there.

Since this post has been three years ago, i assume you had that life changing experience. I am 21 (23 of december) and single. I dated one guy last year and it wasnt right for me. He was 27 and i was 20 at the time. He wouldnt treat me right mainly because i was a virgin. I refused to have sex and he would refuse to buy me flowers. He made me feel terrible. I guess i was looking for him to accept me while i didnt accept myself. I have had low self esteem for along time. I got bullied also which led me to be shy and my anxiety go through the roof. I also want to have sex with a guy that is on the page as me. Currently i dont have much going on in my life and it makes me depressed. I too, think about suicide often. People tell me that i am beautiful and i have a hot body although im skinny with knock knees. I dont think im pretty but i get hit on alot. The attention isnt what i need, its understanding. Sometimes i feel like im worthless because people dont care much about me. They only bother looking and talking to me because of my physical features and that tares me up inside. I too, get teased for being a virgin. I would love to have sex but not with anyone because im not desperate. I masterbate too, but not often because i get ashamed of it. I do it at night or in the shower and i feel bad afterwards... I assume ill be single for awhile because i need to work on myself esteem and social skills. People try to set me up on blind dates but i always turn them down because i might not like him or he might not like me. I need something that is a effortless connection.