Over the past couple of months it's come to light that my husband is suffering from depression rooted from things that happened in his childhood. He's got a lot of deep rooted problems he needs to deal with and I'm ready and willing to be there for him and hold his hand the whole way! However, he's recently started to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't think he ever has. He feels like he's just put on a front and has been 'pretending' with me for our whole relationship because that's what he felt he 'should do'. We've been together 9 years and married for 2 so I'm obviously finding it very difficult to believe our whole relationship has been a lie. My question is, is this the Depression? Do I stick it out and help or do I just walk away?? I don't feel like I should walk I feel like I should fight for my marriage and fight for the husband I had but he just pushes me away!! I don't know what to do... any advice? Xx
Hi Hannah.
I feel your husband's comments & feelings are his depression talking! As depressives we feel selfish & incapable of returning love &; affection, you obviously still love the 'real him' & deep down he will still love you but when down depressives down even love themselves so bear with him & please try to keep supporting him.
Kindest Regards
Bon
Oh Hannah.
I'm going through the same thing .My partner left me in January, after 20 years .
He claims he's depressed and anxious
I took him back 2 weeks ago. I asked him to leave 2 nights ago. I tried to help him but his hard work and refuses to go to the doctor.
Drinking is not helping him neither it just makes him worse.
I've been suffering from depression I took myself to the Doctors and got help, but he's to selfish to go.
Maybe you both need a break, you can still be there and support him.
I phone my one and check on him and still tell him I love him. Hoping one day I will get back the man I fell in love with
There is hope but if you love him fight for him. Make sure you put yourself first . It's not easy
Hi Hannah - so sorry to read of your situation and extend sympathies to you in this troubled time. It certainly sounds like the dpression talking - especially since you both have been together for 9 years and married for the last two. I am wondering if your hubby has consulted any doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist about his depressive disorder? If not, that is the place to start. First they might well be meds prescribed to help even out his mood. This is used in conjunction with therapy with a psychologist in a safe place where he can dig out the multiple issues that are the core of his depression. It will take time and will be painful, but it is well worth the effort as he will gather the strength to take control of his life and relegate the past to where it belongs.
You can support his efforts. Be prepared for some confronting and emotional aspects that will have you questioning whether you should continue that support. If you cannot handle this, it is not a crime to excuse yourself from the process. If that is the case make it clear to him you are always there and just phone call away if he needs you. Ultimately the process is up to him and, unfortunately, if he will not avail himself of medical help, his condition and quality of life will not improve.
I am writing this to you as a survivor of childhood abuse that had me drowning in a life-long depression. I sought help at 45. Now, in my fifties, I found the real breakthrough came when I forgave my abusers, accepted that the abuse was part of my life story, and that those abusers no longer had my permission to poison my life. It has been difficult, but the the most valuable lessons always are. Good luck to you and your husband, Hannah. There is a way out if the sufferer looks for it.
Thanks for your reply Wayne, he has been seeking help he's on medication and on the waiting list for therapy. He's decided now that he wants to leave. There doesn't seem any way to talk him out of this now so it's something I need to accept. All this along with being burgled on Saturday night is certainly pushing me over the edge now too! Thank you and I'm glad your in a good place now x
Thanks for your reply sandy
I know this all really is not easy is it! My husband has sought help though he's on meds and on a waiting list for therapy but he's now decided that's it and he wants to leave. I'm devastated to put it lightly I'm just terrified that this isn't his true feelings and it's all stemming from the way he feels. I don't want him to have to go through all this on his own when he has a wife who loves him! All this and being burgled on Saturday night is certainly tipping me over the edge! Hope your okay! Xx
Thanks for your reply Bon, that's what I am most frightened of, that it's the illness talking and not the way he feels. I don't want to walk away from him when he needs help the most. But he's telling me he wants to leave Cause he doesn't love me anymore. I want to fight to keep him but that's the wrong thing to do if these are his true feelings but how will I ever know for sure! What a mess! Xx
Hi Hannah,
I feel your pain. And I can relate to both sides of it to a degree. I love my wife (I'm the one with the depression issues), but it gets deep sometimes when I feel like I'm drowning. She is not very supportive, when I get down, she does the "tough love" angle and tells me to suck it up. I have felt many times like your husband must feel, like I need to just get out and affirm the sadness in my soul, but I do love her.
Is there a chance that is what he is doing? He is so down that he is "lashing out" so that he can validate his sadness with a failed relationship?
I hope you find a workable solution. Love should be real and warm, not riddled with pain and not knowing.
Many blessings to you
Hey Hannah. I know you posted this sometime ago but I'm going through the exact same situation right now ...minus the fact that we are married... and I'm really struggling. I wanted to know how you are going ?
My partner has severe depression and anxiety. He's tried to end his life several times . I even called the police once as I was so desperate to save his life and ended up getting him arrested in the process as he unfortunately had substances on him . We have been through hell and back and I've done my best to support him .. therapy .. meds ... he has no relationship with his family. I am his family. He does drink and use substances occasionally .. I guess you would say he doesn't really help himself and now I'm being dumped out of the blue. We have arguments .. He's extremely emotional sometimes.. but we always make up. He now tells me relationships shouldnt be that hard. I want to scream and tell him it's hard because you have a mental illness and will be hard no matter who you're with. But I don't. I hate he tried to make out it's just us not suiting. We were moving to Australia together in a few months and now he's decided he's going alone .. he was going to live with me for another few months until his flight left because we have a family together ..not kids but animals..dont laugh but it really did feel like a family. He also said he would get some space in Sydney and said I should move over any way despite the beak up and see where we are at. He said we would probably end up back together.. he always gives me hope .. and takes it away ...few months back he broke up with me then told me a few hours later he would be stupid to give me up because I'm incredible and he loves me. I re read the messages when he says horrible things because they give me hope . I can't keep up and I feel totally and utterly broken and confused. He's decided to cut all ties with me as of right now and is leaving the country this week . I'm incredibly heartbroken as I feel as though I have invested so much into this relationship and wanted him to be my future. We were starting a business together.. live together .. He's my best friend and my love. ..its hard to believe it's someone's depression talking when they get so cruel. He's being pretty awful .. but it feels like it's just to get me to move on as he still slots in the old you will find someone else better line. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with out him. I spend every day with him and planned my future with him . It's like they are dieing ... any support is greatly appreciated... I don't want to get out of bed 
This is something I too am experiencing, the love of my life for two and a half years has left and won't be coming back. He says he loves me but doesn't feel anything and doesn't want me hanging around because he doesn't know if he'll get through it. He has had so many external stress factors and has expressed a wish to die. He says he wouldn't do it but that he dreams of dying and is upset when he wakes up alive. At first he said he loves me very much but now he says speaking with me confuses him and he's cut me out. I've had my own issues with anxiety and insecurities and he claims that this is partly down to him and his mental health. He then told me he couldn't deal with issues in his relationship and I feel guilt and shame for my own mental health affecting him. Depression affects everyone around the person suffering and it takes us all down with it. We can't see why they want to leave and probably we can't admit they've checked out. We had plans to marry and have a family, we were looking for a house to buy and set up our life together. Now it's all gone and he is cold and saying hurtful things. He won't accept help as he's suffered this for years and counselling and cbt haven't worked in the past. He's on Meds but I don't think they are right for him. Ive asked him to go to the Drs but so far he hasn't. I feel humiliated and hurt beyond belief and I've tried so hard to be understanding, reading everything I can about the illness and how to deal with it. I've offered support and encouragement, engaged him in walks and activities which he always thanks me for. We were speaking every day and spending time together, being intimate and talking openly. The darkness has however taken grip and he just wants isolation. I'm taking a step back to give him space but I'm completely lost without him. I need to give up but somehow I can't do it. I hope you all stay strong because this is a cold and lonely place to be x
Hi, I know this was posted a year ago. I hope you’re doing ok. My husband is depressed and angry. He tells me he hates everything and doesn’t want to do anything. That life is a joke. Some days he’ll feel better but it’s rough to hear these things. I’m trying to do everything I can to be supportive. I just want my husband back. I’m scared and alone and just don’t know what to do anymore.
Yes you’re right. It’s a very lonely and cold place to be. Hope you’re doing ok.
There's a really good website called storied mind which may help you. I wish I'd found it a year ago as it's helped me understand so much of what goes thru a depressed persons mind. My ex is gone from me forever, I have to accept that now as much as it hurts. I didn't understand and I couldn't cope with the stress. I pushed him away when he needed me because I was too stressed and too exhausted to give him what he needed. I got lost in the sense that I could never do enough, they need so much love and tenderness that I found myself drained. It's hard to be tender with someone who shouts in your face and tells you they don't feel anything. I wish you well and really hope your husband gets the help he needs. If you can get thru to him and get him to seek professional help it may make all the difference. I'd also recommend getting counselling yourself as it really does help to talk to someone impartial and be truly honest about your own feelings. Take good care of yourself x
Hi gl1112 - sorry to read you are suffering. Has your husband consulted a doctor about his depression? If not, that's the place to start. The rage will not solve anything and may result in serious health conditions. If he is being medicated for depression, a tweak of the dosage or a change in meds may be required.
i know this is an old thread but i can see there have been recent discussions
my husband of 5 years (partner of 10) recently told me he didn't love me anymore, didn't find me attractive and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. This obviously left me heartbroken. he served in iraq and afghan and has been out of the army for 6 years. we have been trying to conceive for the last 4 years and have unexplained infertility.
he recently decided on a new career claiming that being on civvy street wasnt exciting enough for him and with my support, despite wanting to start a family, agreed that he would retrain in close protection work meaning he would be away for 2-3 months at a time in middle eastern countries.
During his month long training course he cheated on me - i found out only once he got back and he told me only by text message. he claims that he did this because he was unhappy and has been for sometime. he slept with a woman twice, unprotected, the second time just 2 days before coming home and sleeping with me unprotected too.
whilst we don't have the family we long for, i consider us to both have a good life - good health, good jobs, nice house, good families, no money worries, nice holidays.
he is a very closed book kind of person. i suggested he might have PTSD but he's in denial and feel that he cheated on me to push me away, as a coping mechanism. i'm meanwhile left in complete shock and disbelief that the person whom i thought i would spend the rest of my life with could treat me with such little respect and could be so cowardly in not even telling me to my face.
it has been 6 weeks and i'm still in shock. some days i'm so hurt about whats happened and others i miss him and want to be there for him as i think he has clearly got some sort of mental issue as this behavior is so out of character for him.
he has told me that he doesnt love me, want to be with me, doesnt find me attractive and wants to sell the house and get a divorce. i have obviously spoken at great length to my family and close friends about this which he will know i have done so fear that now even if he did change his mind, and or seek the help he needs, that he would be too proud to come back and be ashamed of his behavior.
I am therefore in the process of selling our home and trying to get over such a trauma but what if this is PTSD - i feel so helpless and heartless that i am not helping but feel so hurt that he pushed me away in such a hurtful and disrespectful way.
sorry for the long one! its all so raw and painful! :'(
Hi Laura - so sorry to read you are suffering like this. I would suggest that if he isn't prepared to tackle his PTSD then there's not much you can do for him. Sleeping with another woman - twice, and unprotected - is a behaviour not to be excused just because he chose the profession that he has. Sounds like he likes the risk and danger. Looks like he's made his position clear. Follow through with what has been decided. If he comes back later, you can reassess things then. Meanwhile, try not to diminish or suspend your life. Keep talking about it with family and friends - their support is what will help you through. War has consequences off the battlefield too - glorifying it to the young is unconscionable.
hi all....its comforting to a degree to know there are others out there experiencing something similar. a little update as to where I am at now 8 months later...
we found our way back together. my stability and persistence showed him how lucky he was to have me. we made plans to move to the Cayman islands together, he was still going alone initially in April. and I would follow in September. despite the break up in Feb we really reconnected and by time he left in April we were in a good place. however as soon as he was away the distance took its toll and his paranoia and passive aggressiveness set in. and two months into him being gone my mother found out she had cancer and she told me she had known for some time but thought I had too much on my plate with him so didn't tell me immediately. I was devastated. and it hit me like a tonne of bricks that things were never going to get better. we were in a constant vicious cycle of being okay until his next break down. I wanted us to work desperately but he wasn't even trying. he was running away from his problems to another country where we would have no support..he wasn't seeing a psychologist..he was still drinking and taking drugs... so I told him I needed a break to focus on family and when he was finally taking his mental health seriously I would be there for him. he flew home instantly and cancelled the move. but I needed more than just the gesture, I need him to prove himself, and make positive changes, so I stood my ground. however instead of making those changes he just got progressively worse. he ran away and claimed he was going to end it so I had to go find him because no one else would. I kept dropping everything for him even though he knew my mum was really sick and I really needed to be there for her. we stayed in limbo for sometime until he begged me to block him on everything so he could focus on himself. I agreed. but this did not stop him from attacking me if he saw that I was moving on with my life. he would send me horrible messages and even threaten my life. then would take it all back a day later. then things got worse ... he made several very serious attempts at his life last month. he left notes and a will.. everything to me surprisingly even though I would be the first person he would attack in moments of distress. the second one was so bad that he was committed into a psychiatric ward and after two days of being there after he hadn't spoken a word to anyone and refused to eat or get out of bed they called me down. sure enough, I was the only one who could snap him out of it. seeing him there is probably one of the most heart breaking things I've ever seen. I'll never forget it. I spent several days cooking him food and simply just being with him. encouraging him to find a way forward. we even said if we could find a way to have a functional and healthy relationship we would do that once he was out of there. I also made sure he understood the damage that this year has had on me. hes not the only one whose had to live through this, so have I. I need time to heal. I thought we were making progress. he was diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder. things were finally starting to make more sense. however two weeks later, he had already been released and was back living with a friend, he snapped again. he saw a minor comment from someone on my social media and thought I was seeing someone else.he lost it and sent all kinds of unimaginable threats. I told him never to speak to me again. it's been a couple of weeks now. hes been uploading pictures of his wrists slashed and saying it would be all my fault if he died. hes like a different person. hes completely lost his mind and the person I knew is well and truly gone. it's the most horrible feeling wanting someone who doesn't exist anymore. I've been doing my best to get through each day and not look back but I miss him so much. I often torture myself with old videos, photos and memories. sometimes love isn't enough. and I would love to be able to write on here that there was a happy ending but mental illnesses are so incredibly tough for everyone involved. if only we knew sooner what we were dealing with. he had been wrongly diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 27 years, when really he had BPD. all I can say is get professional help. and get a second opinions. don't try and deal with it on your own :(
Hi Hannah, it sounds like your poor husband has lost his spark, you could try to speak to your doctor and say how concerned you are for him, you may need support to whilst you help him! I would do that, he may hate you initially but he will eventually realise why you did that.
My husband of 4 years (together for 10) just sat me down tonight and we had this talk. he said he loves me but he's not sure I'm his person and it breaks his heart. he's definitely been struggling with depression lately and can't pinpoint where the "romantical" connection went. I've been up for hours sobbing. I pray you all have found some peace.
Hi I appreciate that this thread was a long time ago but wondering what the outcome was - my partner of 13 years/husband of 4 has recently told me he doesnt love me or find me attractive and hes left and cut off all contact with me
hes been depressed throughout our relationship, he has childhood issues. i'm floored by the situation, he was only telling me that he still loved me a couple of months ago
just wondering whether theres any hope of his love returning