Can anyone help me? I don't know what to do anymore. I've been battling with depression since i was 16, i'm 21 now and it comes and goes... but this time... it's like i don't have the strength in me to fight it anymore. I've done the whole conselling thing, anti depressants, CBT (congitive therapy behavour), therapy but it just comes back. I'm mentally exhausted. My friends don't speak to me anymore, i feel like a burden around them, i constantly feel like i'm annoying or boring people, i'm just... i just don't know what to do anymore. Could anyone give me any advice on how they deal with depression? I know everyones different, but like i said, i just don't know what to do anymore.
So interested in the replies you will receive. Dealing with this myself and I need everyones good thoughts and ideas. You're not alone in this. Look I'm right beside you. (((hugs)))
Agh huni I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
I'm 25 and I've had depression since my teens too (sorry that's not very uplifting is it?).
I honestly don't know what to suggest to you, I have done all the treatments you mentioned above too, with little success. I did find counselling helpful but that was after trying about 4 different ones, some people you just connect more with you know?
Did you find any of the counselling helpful at all? If it was just the actual counsellor you didn't connect with, maybe you could try a different one?
Another thing I would suggest is not feeling like you have to engage in services that you don't find helpful. I personally don't find CBT helpful for example, but I felt like I had to keep going and honestly it made me feel worse. All that pressure!
Also is there anything you enjoy doing at all? I'm always being told to try and find time for myself. Whether its going for a run, baking, or just treating yourself to a long bath, try and be kind to yourself and do nice things for you.
You might not feel you enjoy them now but sometimes the more you do them, the more you get back into the habit of doing them, and they begin to bring you joy again.
You say you feel you are a burden. This is where the trying to be kind to yourself thing comes in again. Would you not speak to a friend or consider them a burden if they were unwell? I'm sure you wouldn't. You'd probably be extra kind and gentle.
If you're friends aren't willing to do this then they probably weren't brilliant friends in the first place. Be your own best friend at the moment.
Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish and prioritise your own needs in order to get better.
I wish I could offer more help or advice. You've probably heard it all before, you know, go out, join a club, all that lot. And maybe that works for you, but maybe it doesn't.
You could try your GP again and maybe another medication or form of treatment, but again you've probably done this a few times before.
I think the key thing is just trying to find something, anything that gives you even 5 mins of happiness and make the time to do it. Be kind to yourself, don't put yourself under too much pressure to be well immediately, take everything as a little win against depression.
Every day you get up and get out of bed, you've scored a point against depression, you've won a little battle.
Take little gentle baby steps and hopefully one day you'll feel a lot better.
Until then keep posting, keep talking, and keep doing anything else that you like doing.
You take care of yourself.
Best wishes xxxx
Hi Paige,
The other morning I was walking my dog on the beach. There had been a huge storm the night before and it had washed up millions of star fish. As I walked I noticed a boy in the distance. He was throwing what I thought were stones into the sea. I walked ovver to him and in doins so noticed he was picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. I asked him why he was throwing them back, he couldn't possibly save them all, there were so many.
He bent down picked up another and said no I can't, but I can save this one, and this one.
Paige, many years ago I read a business plan for a company that went from nothing to £100m turnover in two years. The plan was the muts nuts :-) The front page of the plan had a small preamble.
It read
If we get it wrong we're going to do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until we get it right.
Next Friday I will be 53. I have lived with depression and other problems since I was about 11. When I say I have lived it sounds like I have coped. I suppose I have coped. But not in a good way.
I haven't been on this site long. Less than a week. I've been fortunate to have a very interesting exchange with another denizen who has been here a little longer than me. I've copied and pasted a post from that conversation below. I hope it helps.
Thank you for your kind words. And please don't feel as if you should apologise for anything. I have come here because I want to talk with others who may perhaps have a similar t-shirt to mine. I think if anyone should apologise it's me. My style of writing is extremely patronising and nothing short of trite. I hope, however, that you can perhaps consider that style in the same way you would a box of chocolates. Simply take the stuff you feel you will like and leave the rest for others.
My mental health care coordinator has reliably informed me that the NHS would like me to be concordant. They would prefer me not to be simply compliant. Don’t worry I had to ask her to explain what concordant means. It means they want me not to just take the medication I am given and become compliant. They want me to understand what it’s for and perhaps how it helps my condition.
I can assure you Nick that I am concordant. I want to stress this point to you Nick. Because if I hadn’t been concordant I would not have found out how to manage my condition. If I had been compliant I would still be in a poor place.
This isn’t about me Nick. It’s about you. Of course I will share my experience with you. I do so as they may provide you with some hope. They may just provide you with some inspiration.
There’s no real starting point. And when I say I could write a book about what I am concordant in I am not far off the truth.
I must have read the internet twice in my efforts to gather information. And like your opening post I have often found myself not really understanding what I have been reading. I have become obsessed with my illness. Without which I would not now be managing it as well as I am.
And yes Nick I have been through some lows that I never thought I would arise from. I’m sure you’ve been there.
In addition to being concordant I have been holistic. I have looked at everything in such detail. Again without being both I would not be talking to you now.
My advice Nick is simple. Be concordant. Become holistic. Become obsessed with managing your illness. And every time you feel as if you have turned down a cul-de-sac turn around and start over again. Never give in Nick. Never, never, never.
These are the personal tools I have employed. I could allow myself to become bitter about my journey. I could become twisted about the lack of support I’ve had. I could dwell on all the opportunities the NHS has missed to help me.
Alternatively Nick I could celebrate my success and come here to talk with you.
If nothing else it is hope that drives us when there is little more. Without hope all is lost. Even if what I am going to talk about is of no help to you I hope I leave you with hope. Every morning that you wake Nick is another success. It’s another chance to work out how you can manage your condition in a better way. Each morning when you rise celebrate that victory Nick. It’s genuinely a great achievement. Reward yourself. And pick up your bag full of hope and work your way through the day as best you can.
It’s a little like shifting sands Nick. Some days you can’t recall what you did yesterday. Some days you look around only to see sand. And when you have no map or compass that can be truly daunting. That can simply sap hope. Lyman Frank Baum famously wrote the book on which the film Wizard of Oz is based. His dying words to his wife were “now we can cross the shifting sands”. His words were a reference to the impenetrable desert which surrounded and ostracised the land of Oz. In his book people used various techniques to travel over this desert. Those who simply walked into the desert turned to sand. Therefore, crossing took the form of novel and unique ways.
I have been guilty of confusing hope with expectations. I believe hope is essential. Expectations, however, need firm management. If we expect everyone in the NHS to be able to help us we are clearly expecting too much. If we expect there’s going to be set backs and issues which frustrate us we are going to be prepared for the reality that is the NHS. This is important Nick. The NHS is a vast beast. It is capable of great things. It is also capable of mistake. And I’d like to drive this point home with an exceptionally trite example if I may please. Imagine I have drawn two stick people Nick. They are identical with the notable exception that one has one arm. If I were to ask you to point to the person who is disabled you would select the person with one arm. We all would. What we wouldn’t be able to point out is that the stick man with tow arms is also disabled. This person has mental health issues. We cannot see these with the naked eye. And very often we see that persons mental health symptoms not as that but as their personality. A warped and dysfunctional personality. We draw all the wrong conclusions. We all do it. We do it because we are human.
I’m sure you know there are two sides to mental health. There’s the medication. The dreaded dependence on the stuff. Then there’s the mindset. We are the sum of our experiences and these can often leave us with some incredible baggage. And yes I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. Part of our mindset is probably based upon preconceived expectations that our illness can be treated with a tablet. I’ve certainly been guilty of believing that a tablet would solve all my problems. Whoops.
If I have understood it correctly during our life our sleep wake cycle changes four times. One of these occurs during puberty. We go to bed later. For 20% of adolescents this process actually goes wrong. They develop something known as delayed sleep phase syndrome. (DSPS). DSPS can be mild, moderate or severe. In severe dsps the time at which the subject sleeps adjusts to 4am to 12am. I am not going to dwell on the subject of dsps. It’s a huge subject.
I have sever dsps. In the past when I have gone to bed at 11pm and slept through to 7am I have not been getting 8hrs sleep. I’ve been getting 3hrs sleep. Before 4am in the morning I was not sleeping restoratively. I developed clinical depression due to the sleep deprivation. However, even though I had been complaining of symptoms of depression and sleep deprivation from the age of 17 I wasn’t diagnosed successfully with clinical depression until I was 38. It’s probable that I started to suffer with dsps from about the age of 13. I managed to see 5 different GP’s before I saw my current GP in February 2000 for the first time. She was able to diagnose depression almost immediately. She prescribed Venlafaxine. Over the next 14 years my symptoms waxed and waned and I never really managed to get on top of them. In January 2011 after 40 years I had no more to give. I slept Nick. Whatever I did to try and alleviate my symptoms I found myself surrounded by shifting sands. I didn’t work.
I became aggressive. I was exhausted. I was not a good person to be around. I asked to be referred to a sleep clinic. I believed I had a sleep disorder. This last statement may seem rather innocuous. However, it goes to the root of the timelines involved in coming up with a way of managing my symptoms. My GP, like all others has a duty of care. Additionally she’s also the type of person who wants to help people who are ill. The NHS issue her with “guidelines”. These aren’t rules. In essence the NHS guidelines are unequivocally clear about sleep issues connected to depression. They state that the GP should treat the depression and the sleep issues will go away. And in 99.985% of cases this is true. But in a small number of cases the reverse is the case. My sleep disorder has caused depression. Of course I am simplifying all this Nick. That simplification helps to make the point.
Last year my GP agreed to prescribe Circadin to help me sleep. Circadin is a synthesised from of melatonin. Melatonin helps us to sleep. It’s not a sleeping tablet. Melatonin informs the body and brain to prepare for sleep. It doesn’t act like normal sleeping tablets or sedatives. In addition to the melatonin I also take Mirtazapine. This was prescribed off sheet by a neurologist to help with my sleep issues before a diagnosis of dsps was accepted. And I was able to go get the best nights’ sleep I’ve ever had.
At this point I thought I was home and dry. But no. In September last year my symptoms of depression began to return. By late December I was in crisis and needed some urgent help. My GP referred me to single point access. They have been talking to me and I am waiting psychotherapy. And that’s another chapter.
Over the last 6 weeks I have been quite poorly. I’ve been feeling tired. No I’ve been feeling exhausted. I’ve been having problems with my memory. I’ve not been sleeping well, despite taking my medication. My get up and go has simply got up and gone.
One day as I was wandering into what looked like yet another sandy cul-de-sac I had an epiphany. I rang my GP’s surgery and asked the receptionist to book an appointment for me to have my vitamin B12 tested. The results came back as “normal”.
At this point my concordant, obsessive and holistic approach came to the fore. My results stated that I had a blood serum level of 304 pg/ml. A normal result is defined as between 150 and 1100 (ish). However, the NHS make it quite clear that a GP should look at the results of a B12 test and also the symptoms the patient is showing. I went to my GP and we agreed I was actually in need of a course of vitamin B12 injections.
I had my first injection on May 8th at 11.10am. Within hours I began to feel better. And I have continued that journey.
In addition to the above Nick I also take the following medication. Cipralex at 20mg per day. I take this in a morning, not at night as it does hamper sleep if taken later in the day. I also take 5,000 iu’s of vitamin D3 every day. And trust me that made me feel so much better within days of taking that amount.
Vitamin B12 doesn’t work without sufficient B6 in your blood to. So a B12 blood test should embrace a few other tests too. B12, B19, B6, iron levels, thyroid etc.
I’ve been unlucky Nick. Desperately so. I can’t dwell on that. I would become bitter if I did.
I’ve had to find so many ways to get over that desert. Shifting sands are incredibly difficult to navigate. The sap time, hope and energy in absolutely huge amounts.
I could write a book about it all. I am genuinely considering that.
I have dsps. My depression has roots in several places. Firstly sleep deprivation. Secondly my abuse as child has probably left me with low self belief. Thirdly I probably have depression due to the faulty genes which have given me dsps. My symptoms of low Vitamin B12 have been almost identical to those of depression. And low vitamin D3 has also made me feel “flat”.
If I were to plan a war I would make sure I had tanks, planes and infantry. I would want ships and helicopters. I’d want everything possible to ensure I was able to win that war.
My mental health issues weren’t straight forward. The journey I have taken to bring them under control has been unjustly long and whilst I’ve fought my war my life has been destroyed. I am separated from my partner of 28 years. I have debts to sort out and all sorts of detritus to resolve. It’s completely overwhelmed me. It really isn’t fair. But it is what it is and although none of this is my fault it remains my responsibility.
And now Nick, well now, we can cross the shifting sands together.
Nuttymut
Paige I hope there's something in there for you which perhaps gives you renewed strength. The brutal truth is you have to get up and fight. We can't do this for you. And trust me we would all do just that if we could. This is your fight Paige. This is your life. We can support you with kind words and we can try and give you points to think about. But you have to want to do this. I know what it's like to lose the will to fight. I too have been that low. Your illness is not your fault Paige. But, and the brutal truth is, it is your responsibility.
And you can chose to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward. I began this post by talking about a business plan. We all have plans Paige. But when we meet mental illness Plan A isn't enough. We need to be able to cope with all the setbacks.
Plan, do, review, replan Paige.
Rinse & repeat.
The ultimate truth is you can do this. You've lost your way a little and forgotten a few parts to your plan. It's a simple plan Paige. Work with the NHS to manage your condition.
Don't give up. Never, never, never.
Nuttymut :-)